The more crap you buy, the better it is for the Republican politicians listed below–could there be a better reason to sink your money into something?/Image Credit: Licensed Dreamstime stock, Paul Michael Hughes.
May the Almighty Dollar be with you, Red-state readers! Have we got a real treat for you this chilly Saturday, dear Spread Your Right Wings
(SYRW) fans! We got the exclusive skinny on some products that uber-conservative politicians designed lovingly based on needs they found recurred repeatedly in their lives. They wanted to help others in similar situations as them, and so they went to the product drawing board. Here’s what they came up with!
The Devin Nunes Recusal Reversor
If this looks like a magic wand, that’s because it is. But it has Devin Nunes’ face emblazoned on the box, so there ya’ go. Now it’s the Devin Nunes Recusal Reversor.
Nunes (R-Calif), as our right-wing readers will know, recused himself from the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence’s investigation into whether the Trump campaign colluded with the Russian government to get His Orangeness elected. He’s the head of that committee, after all. But he was simply unable to resist meddling in the investigation, stymieing it, obstructing it, like a good little butt-kissing Trump acolyte. He continued to hold subpoena power and a good deal of agenda-setting power, according to The Daily Beast.
Sebastian Gorka noted that after he was let go from the Trump admin, he cockily remarked that his opponents failed to realize how much more damage he could from outside the administration than within. Apparently, Nunes has the same idea. As a “recused” head of the investigation, he refused to issues subpoenas for “key campaign players,” according to the Washington Post. He also redirected his committee’s probe efforts to focus on Robert Mueller’s team and where those people may be “compromised” in terms of having conflicts of interest. Apparently, he’s never come in contact with a little thing called a mirror, but good for the right wing and Trump right?
So, if you’ve ever said, “Hey, I’m stepping back from this situation, for a host of very good reasons” but then you needed to step back into it and have no legitimate way to do so, you’re in luck! A swish of the Devin Nunes Recusal Reversor, and–poof–you’re back in the game.! Whoo! That feels good, right?
Don’t forget to join the campaign we started, by the way, readers! The Wear a Fez for Nunes movement!
The Joe Arpaio Immigrant Interrogator
If this looks like a cattle prod, that’s because it is. Except you’ll find virulent immigrant-hater Joe Arpaio’s repulsive face slapped on the packaging, so there ya’ go.
We’ve been a little…extreme in our wording lately, SYRW readers. We get that, and we’re trying to be a little more level-headed. But writing about Arizona Sherriff Joe Arpaio is not the time to practice restraint, He is so wonderfully deranged, he makes our right-wings…well, he makes them spread and then makes us take flight like a glorious, proud bird, A bald eagle, in fact,
He blatantly and shamelessly used a position of power to antagonize immigrants–or those he perceived as immigrants. Now that takes guts, guts, guts. That’ll show those Rico Sauve Rapists, huh? In his quest to de-immigrant the U.S. of A. starting with Ari-to-the-Zona–for which he even broke the law (wild, wild, west indeed!)–as an officer of the law!–he found it oh-so-useful to whip out his patented Immigrant Interrogator, zapping those wetback Mexicriminals as he saw fit! He even whipped this baby out in court to show a judge who gave him jail time for violating the law that he won’t be messed with. He’s going to DO the messing The words “how is this happening” come to mind, no? And–just when you thought if this situation couldn’t get any better/more horrifying–he’s now running for Senator
When your team of Hispanic landscape architects just can’t get that hedge trimmed the way you want it–ZAP! When the bag boy at the grocery store is going too slow–ZAP! And when you see three people at the mall speaking Spanish instead of English–ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! And simply when you feel like it, and you don’t have to play the same rules established by democratic laws as everybody else. Z-to-the-A-to-the-P!!!! Can’t you just hear the classic Western film music play over the image of a lonley tumbleweed twisting through a ghost town?
If you call 800-SIQ-FUQQ now, we’ll throw in a Joe Arpaio Jail Breaker–a $20 value–for free. But call now, because of supplies are limited!
The Paul Ryan Statement Squisher
If this looks like a potato masher, that’s because it is. However, you’ll get to lay your eyes on Paul Ryan’s namby-pamby mug gracing the tag hanging off of it.
Paul Ryan, being a relatively normal human being, is likely completely horrified on an hourly basis by the president he has to work closely with and his stupid statements, ass-munch actions, and awful attitude. He’s got to be thinking, “This man is a completely incompetent moron and I reject everything he says and does ” The remarks that actually come out of his mouth, however, are things like, “President Trump’s bragging about sexually assaulting women wasn’t my favorite thing that happened lately.” The second sentence actually uses all the same letters as the first, they’re just…well, rearranged. And do you know how? With the wildly-popular Paul Ryan Statement Squisher.
You’ll ask yourself how you ever got along without this device as you turn “mom” into “wow,” “This is awful,” into “I have vague misgivings about this,” and even, “Epic ethical fail,” into “He’s a great guy.” Get your Paul Ryan Statement Squisher now and mealymouth your way into amorality today.
I’ll Take the Next Customer Over Here
We guess, dear SYRW readers, that you want to run off and get to your nearest Homeland Depot, Home Leaders-Who-Just-Aren’t-Goods-Enough. or Bed, Bath, and Beyond the Moral Pale and pick up at least one of these poorly constructed pieces of trash right away. So what are you waiting for? Go, spend, shop, collect junk, fill up the hole in your still with stuff! Now! The capitalist enterprise, and the lovely humans above depend on it.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
