You’re in for a real right-wing treat when you use the red-state answer to Airbnb, Polluted AirBnB. Of course, it’ll be the last thing you ever enjoy, you know, cuz you’ll be dead after one night./Image Credit: Licensed Dreamstime stock, Worawee Meepian.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados! It’s hard being xenophobic and loving worldly adventures at the same time, right? But who can resist the allure of a banal, bourgeois trip abroad? Of course, you’ve, by now, not only heard of but used the app that all those wacky with wanderlust have used, Airbnb. Also, of course, you’ve been disappointed–utterly disappointed–by the left-wing leanings of the folks who own many oxygen-based bed and breakfasts you found using Airbnb. Well, that’s why we’re so happy to tell you, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers about Polluted Airbnb (PAirbnb), a gig economy boarding app just for the right wing.
Who Do You Want to Be–the Polluter or the Pollutee?
It’s like 50 Shades of Gray, but even dirtier! Whether you’re hosting or renting, there’s one key to using PAirbnb: reviews! Just like Yelp!, Uber, and yes, Airbnb, successful use of PAirbnb depends on getting good reviews–and for our purposes “good” means “well-polluted–through repeated use of the app coupled with a positive–in our case polluted–reviews. The more good/well-poluted reviews you have, the more people will know you’re not just a serial killer who needs a convenient way to get new victims. No, as a user of PAirbnb, you’re looking to global warming to kill all those you might normally strangle with your bare hands!, and you want to sicken your guests with micro-instantiations of pollution as much as you can. Now, let’s look at ways you can get great/well-polluted reviews as a host of Airbnb customers.
Put People In the Hospital Due to Environmentally-Related-Illness With Your Hospitality
First impressions are oh-so-important, aren’t they, dear SYRW readers? That’s why even what boarders using Polluted Airbnb should see a welcoming/horrifying example of the environmental apocalypse as they approach and enter your pad. How about a welcome mat that says “Healthy Lungs Unwelcome Here?” You could even go for an old-school “Danger: Do Not Drink This Water” sign. You’ll be beating the guests off with a stick broken off a tree damaged by acid rain! If you’re going for a subtler approach, try a dead outdoor plant with a crooked sign sticking up in the soil next to it that says simply, “CONDEMNED”–and just assume your users are savvy enough to know the condemnation is due to toxic waste onsite.
Let’s Get Down to Lead-Infused Brass Tacks
The good folks at Entrepreneur compiled this handy list of three more foundations that’ll be the basis for a successful Airbnb listing. And this foundation won’t sink into the ground because of unseasonal rain showers flooding the groundwater table!It includes: “geographic location, available value-added services (e.g., on-site parking, laundry services, dining and shopping destinations nearby, etc.), and amenities you offer.”
SYRW is here to give you some ideas on how to put your very own reactionary, hateful, right-wing spin on each of those dimensions of a polluted-ly popular Airbnb listing. Why think for yourself when you have us to inject right-wing opinions into the process for you? Who needs expertise when we have the damagingly democratic free-for-all Internet to turn to for recommendations. Mob rule is what we on the right favor, whether it’s showing up to the home of the local Jews and Muslims with torches and picks as a group or lighting ablaze a kerosene-drenched cross on the front-yard of the African-American family on the corner, or electing an actual idiot to be president! Yes, expertise comes, by definition, from elites (which once-upon-a-time was not a bad thing, as Thomas Nichols points out in his book, The End of Expertise), but we can’t have that now, as the whole idea behind the Trump Era is a crass, dumbed-down populism.
Anyway, where in the dying-world were we, again? Ah, yes–bringing home the pollution-caused-by-climate-change-denial to your unwitting–hopefully left-leaning–guests.
Geo-Location, Location, Location
You may think you’re up the choked-by-an-algae-bloom creek without a paddle if you’re Polluted Arbnb isn’t in a prime real estate spot. It all depends on your goal, dear SYRW readers. Your goal here is to get glowing right-wing reviews–and maybe not even that! What more do you need than to wordlessly scream into the faces of your guests that everybody with a brain knows global warming is ushering the End of Days, but we don’t care. In fact, we’re going to do all we can to make it happen faster!
So, you may be in Pollution-Free Portland, but that doesn’t mean you have to let that pinko commie, hippie community wreck things for you as far as Polluted Airbnb dreams. Why not strew garbage on the property–used hypodermic needles, plastic water bottles, paper, maybe even some prescription pharmaceuticals you’re not using anymore. What a fun way to get rid of that amoxicillin from 2010 collecting dust in your medicine cabinet!
Here’s a super fun idea for you. Buy a smoke machine, much like the one they used on the dancefloor at that Bar Mitzvah you RSVP-ed no to, because you didn’t want to hang out with Jews. Have an undocumented Mexican who desperately needs the cash tinker with it so you can hook it up to your car’s tailpipe. Turn the ignition, turn on the smoke machine, and let the fun begin. Your guests will begin coming down with mysterious symptoms before they can even set foot in your crib!
Obviously, you’re going to want bottled water-a-plenty available in your Polluted Airbnb, but wouldn’t it be neat to empty the clear water in those, fill it with untreated sewage, and put them on the first table or another flat surface your lucky guests see? Go ahead and hang a sign above it that says, “Bottled In Flint,” too!
Related: See what 5 right-wing avenues meet to achieve happiness!
De-Valuing Gaia Value-Added Services
Let’s turn our attention to the services you can provide that can add some pollution-based value to your abode for your Polluted Airbnb patrons. You need to have on-site parking, but make it as cramped and unaccommodating as possible. The parking–and a sign nearby that says, “PAirbnb customers must drive to all destinations.” In a crowded world made even more crowded by current megalopolises becoming uninhabitable due to rising sea waters, space is at a premium.
Thus, making your on-site parking as confined and narrow as possible will bring home the idea of the congested, unlivable world to come thanks to global warming. Make laundry services available, but ensure that the water they use brown and filled with chunks of hard-to-identify matter, and provide your guests with detergents and fabric softeners full of toxic chemicals like phthalates and chlorine. Include a cutely-handwritten list of nearby restaurants and shops in your PAirbnb room or rooms, noting that all establishments listed reject climate science and green business practices.
Also: Read all about Ivanaks ingenious legal strategy for the Trump team.
On-Superfund-Site Amenities
A Superfund site is “is any land in the United States that has been contaminated by hazardous waste and identified by the EPA as a candidate for cleanup because it poses a risk to human health and/or the environment,” according to Tox Map. A few simple touches can make your PAirbnb like such a place, even if you’re not lucky enough to live on one. Get some corroded steel drums with a skull and crossbones on them and toss them playfull inside–yes, inside!–the property.
In the kitchen area, or dining area if you don’t have a kitchen, leave a rat carcass, as even the hearty rattus norvegicus can’t survive much pollution. You’ll put a scowl on the face of any PAirbnb customer.
If your PAirbnb has windows opening onto a freeway, great. If not, play the maddening sounds of traffic congestion that are becoming all-too-familiar in our fossil-fuel-dependent world–vehicles zooming by, honking horns, fire engine sirens–on a continuous loop in a cleverly hidden boom box or digital music device.
Bye, Bye, Cruel World
We trust you, our right-wing readers, so fond as you are of conspiracy theories that have you mentally off-the-races with just a little taste, to use this tip-of-the-melting-iceberg list to come up with more amenities you can provide to make your PAirbnb the place to go for pollution-loving right-wing nut jobs!
And: Get the real story about what it’s like to work in the Trump White House.
Aren’t you simply drooling-cuz-you’re-a-mouth-breathing-goon-and-think-like-one-too to become both a Polluted Airbnb host and user today? If you find yourself–for some inexplicable reason–wanting to use the clean-air, original version of the app, remember that you can all the same stuff Polluted Airbnb does as such–and no one will see it coming. *wink* Devious like Kellyanne Conway, right SYRW readers?
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
