Steve Bannon has a new lease on life!/Image Credit: CNN.
Hey, Readers! It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, with some seriously juicy right-wing gossip for you!
I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close…
Wacky Webs
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to deceive.” So wrote Shakespeare, and so it seems to be for our dear Trump admin these days. But that doesn’t mean we can’t point and gawk at them and leer at the spectacle, right, my Alt-Chatty Cathys and Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers?
Steve Bannon’s life is taking more unexpected turns since his recent, shocking departure from his post as editor at Breitbart after his support, financial and otherwise, from the conservative community slipped away. That move sent ripples of through the BS news community and tears down the self-hating face of his protege, Milo Yiannopolous, who actually figures prominently into the dish I have for you.
Bannon was photographed in Washington, D.C., looking overjoyed–and for him that means not having a totally flat, lifeless expression on his face leaving what we now know to be negotiations with Robert Mueller to testify before the lead investigator in the Russia probe.
“Great. Great day,” Bannon, huddled in a cashmere coat against the biting D.C. air, answered when one of the many reporters thrusting mics in his face blurted out a question about his well-being.
Uh, OK, Sybil. Can Steve come out now?
Inside, It Gets Weirder!
So my source, who was waiting inside the tinted-window limousine that Bannon ducked into after his oddly buoyant, if rushed, sojourn from Muller’s offices to the people waiting to whisk him away, said Yiannopolous looked unusually apprehensive for a deranged lunatic. He gave Bannon a wordless look as if to ask, Is everything ok? When Bannon smiled and nodded, the two embraced as they never wanted to let go. In that embrace, Bannon began to cry–then wail, then keen!
And here’s why–he feels that now that he’s no longer trying to ruin the collective nation’s life by being the Alt-right’s Fear-Based Founding Father and prophet of doom, nor even editing “news” site Breitbart, he’s free to pursue his original, true passion: floristry!
“No one except you two,” he told my source and Yiannopolous, “knows how much I love flowers and how they’re a symbol of all that is happy, bright, and full of cheer in the world…that’s who I am, too!”
He never wanted to be an odious force of division and darkness, chaos and collusion, he continued. All he’s ever wanted, he said, was to run “a little flower shop,” he said looking down at the carefully starched and folded pocket square he’d taken out of his coat. At his dream flower shop, he said, his hope is to partner with homeowners in designing a floral concept for their digs that his shop would then manifest with weekly deliveries of immaculately-arranged flowers.
“And now I’m free to do that–dear god, I’m free to do that,” he wailed as he lurched forward to bury his face in his hands, weeping with joy. Yianoppolous, my source tells me, then reached over to hold him, leaning his head on top of Bannon’s saying, “Shhhhhhh…I know, baby, I know.”
“I don’t hate Jews, Muslims, immigrants–in fact, I want to give them all a blossom. Things just got so crazy and mixed up. My real passion is petunias and pansies, peonies and primroses,” He gasped for air as he continued his floral flight of fancy, “And…and…and…buttercups and begonias, black-eyed Susans and baby’s breath. Not to mention, magnolias and marigolds, mimosas and morning glories.”
And: The Five Ps of happiness and how to manifest them in your right-wing life.
Apparently, even his BFF Yiannopolous grew weary of his flora-related ramblings at this point, rolled his eyes, and began playing Angry Gays on his phone.
Bannon sniffled as the tears gave way to a satisfied smile of catharsis, and he added, “And don’t forget lavender and lilies, lotuses and lupins. Aaahhhh….I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight.”
Taken Aback, In a Good Way
Well, I’m not going to lie to you, SYRW readers, as a gossip columnist who knows all of the right-wing-D.C. community’s deepest, darkest secrets–and there are some seriously weird ones–this actually surprised me…but happily!
Can I be honest with you, Gossipy Gabbys? It’s…well, it’s nice to see a smile on Bannon’s face, flowers are pretty and fantastic all-around, and knowing that fulfillment and positivity are possible even for someone who had sunk as low–er, risen to the proud heights of–Bannon.
It feels…good to not always be immersed in wickedness, deceit, and all the things that make the human experience bad. Frankly, I’m asking myself, “Is there another way besides the Alt-way,” I’m going to go look wistfully out a window with my arms loosely hugging myself now.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
