Rock the culinary boat with a dish symbolizing what is apparently now the full-time project of the right wing!/Image Credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, devrim_pinar.
We bet the past week of endless Trump chaos–DACA indecision, shithole countries, Bannon subpoenas–has got all you Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers and Alt-gourmets hungry, hungry, hungry! You’re in luck! Look no further for a quick, easy meal to replenish the nutrients depleted by the leader that you have to publicly stick by even as his increasingly bizarre behavior makes you toss your cookies, privately. We call this the SYRW Pot-in-Pot Pot.
Culinary Choas Can Be Yuuuuuuuuumy
First of all, dearest readership, forget all you’re learned and been taught by the Fake News food blogs and cookbooks before them. Recipes and dishes don’t have to involve a medley of ingredients, each one complimenting, even bringing out flavors in, others. Pssssh! Liberal snowflake nonsense if we ever heard it.
No, no. Food, like politics and cultural campaigns, can be based on the exact opposite: a violent quarrel of ingredients that don’t even dissolve into each other. They float there, separate and lonely, never even managing to become the sum of theirr parts, because they won’t join together. And you, right-wing Julia Childs, have a key role in this. If not for you, the ingredients would simply bob aimlessly up in down in water. That’s why you’re going to get in there and stir the pot! You’re going to be Steve Bannon in the kitchen. And anyone who ingests your nauseating fare will have their swamp drained–i.e. vomit–which will then enable that swamp to be refilled with new swamp denizens. Let’s get started, shall we?
Related: See what Tomi Lahren has to say about Hair of Hotness follicularly fabulous practices!
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble
Imagine yourself as a lonely witch or warlock who lives in the woods. The only pleasure you find in life, the only thing that gives your pointless existence meaning, is creating potions. But the potion-creation isn’t just a means to an end for you, dear facial-wart cabin-goer. No! The act of creating the potion is deeply meaningful as well. If not for you and your ingredient-based boat-rocking, things would get sedentary, stale, never go anywhere. You’re the provocative necromancer who creates motion, movement, action. Nevermind that that action is a purposeless, whirlpool-esque, round-and-round action. That itself has meaning. There can’t be forward motion–progress–if things are in a long-term state of spinning and spiraling.
But you’ve also got a regular life full of running all about driving your kids to activities, in the case of the stressed-out suburban moms among you and baby deer to shoot in the head, in the case of the rural hunting-types among you, and so on and so forth, based on the fabulousness of your particular Alt-path. We know you’re busy, dear readers, so we found this Awesome Possum-we-either-ran-over-in-our-SUVs-or-shot-dead-for-sport process–remember it’s aaaaaaaaall about the process with this one. Though, you will end up with a stomach-churning meal at the end too. We thank the folks over at Once-a-Month Meals for this wonderful two-in-one technique that allows you to cook two distinct dishes at once in your Instant Pot.
So, first you have to have an instant pot cooker–sometimes called a steamer, a pressure cooker, a double boiler. Even that name-related indecision is great, because linguistic clumsiness is a Trump family trait, and we love anything that makes us even remotely more like that entity.
Anyhow, then you’ll follow the process detailed on Once a Month Meals to create a pot that will go within that instant pot.
Ingredients and Implements
Here’s the best part, dearest readers! You can pretty much pick any ingredients you want, with some guidelines based on maximizing the culinary repugnance about to ensue.
The number one most important part of the gustatory nightmare you’re set to conjure up is the utensil you use to stir the pot. How about a big, cumbersome wooden spoon? Very amoral-and-awful person-esque, no? A giant wooden staff like the three witches in MacBeth might have used? A big, odd-looking slotted spoon made from steel? Fun!
Your Ingredient outlines are as follows:
3 cups milk
2 droppers of blue and red food coloring
2 cups unflushed toilet water, the chef-based equivalent of the cesspool of humanity known as the Trump administration.
- 1 pound of raw meat, to symbolize the hopes that the Trump admin’s installation in office and behavior therein will further divide us and prime us to rip each other’s throats out.
1 clove of garlic–minced, whole, it doesn’t really matter–to remind us that we do want bloodsucking vampires to be our leaders. Less garlic in the world to repel them if it’s moving through your gastrointestinal system, right, readers?
1 squishy fruit or vegetable, easily-malleable, like our Alt-minds.
A handful of the nuts of your choosing, which are there to signify the nuttiness of the current political situation–and then make a loud noise as you crack and crunch them, like the in-your-face, decibel-of-daring of the Fox News Jeanine Pirros and Tomi Lahrens of our world.
1/2 a cup of oil of any sort, so there will be something that refuses to comingle with the water, much as we on the Alt-right simply won’t mix with those we despise, blacks, Jews, Hispanics, Muslims, liberals, Democrats.
1/2 cup of Coca Cola, as you must have something dark bubbling up in your noxious nom-nom-inducer.
1 brown bag to hold the contents of your stomach as they are sure to come spewing forward once this non-delectable treat touches your tongue.
And: Join us on our whirlwind tour of the shit holes of the world!
Process Particulars
Now, while we’ve given you some flexible guidelines as far what you’re going to toss in your pot-within-a pot, which you’ll have fashioned based on the above link, we’re going to insist on some more specific meal-related-madness as far as the cooking part of this nihilistic equation.
First, fill the Instant Pot with milk, and then the red and blue food coloring to your visual satisfaction. This is obviously our nation as a whole.
Now for the inner pot, the pot-in-pot, which you fashioned according to the directions at Once a Month Meals. This inner pot is us, the Alt-right and a tangible manifestation of our nebulous community.
Into the inner pot, toss your ingredients in. Throw them, no less! As you do so, think of how President Trump has no agenda but his idea of “winning,” and he simply throws things at us and we catch them because, we, bizarrely, like the guy who’s throwin’ ’em.
Next, get that stirrin’ stick you selected as your Stir-the-Pot stirrer. Insert it into the pot, and begin mixing. Remember your witch or warlock identity. Really put your shoulders and upper lumbar region into the back and forth, up and down. Society is taking notice, people–oops, we mean, “ingredients”–are bumping up against each other, swirling about, dipping, twisting, twirling. Muaahaahahahahahahhahhahaa!
Bon Appetit!
Now, summon your Alt-family into wherever you’re all going to have your yummy meal. Watch them turn green as you ladle it out in front of them. Ah, ah, ah, though. No getting out of this! You thought wanted it, for you, for them, now you must stick by that decision. What kind of a patsy would you look like if you backed out of it now, right?
Also: Read our review of a recent article about how Trump is an authoritarian wanna-be!
Ce si bon, n’est ce pas, SYRW readers?
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
