Grab your passport and pack up your xenophobic world view–we’re taking you on a shit-hole-country tour!/Image Credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, Christina Delbert.
Ahoy, provincialist, brown-skin-hating right-wingers! If you want to know the international spots you simply must venture to in 2018, you’re in luck! In this week’s travel post, we’re going to apprise you, our reactionary readers of three globe-trotting jaunts that are the Alt-thing to do right now. More accurately, they’re recommended by Mr. International Trekker himself, President Donald Trump.
This week, as part of his tireless diplomatic efforts, His Orangeness, in a private meeting with Congressional lawmakers, Â wondered why we allow so many people to emigrate from certain countries.
“President Trump grew frustrated with lawmakers Thursday in the Oval Office when they discussed protecting immigrants from Haiti, El Salvador and African countries as part of a bipartisan immigration deal, according to several people briefed on the meeting,” reported the Washington Post. He asked, as any self-respecting race-baiter would: “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?”
And as full-time shit-head herself, Tomi Lahren said the following on Twitter:
If they aren’t shithole countries, why don’t their citizens stay there? Let’s be honest. Call it like it is.
— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) January 12, 2018
We just love Lahren here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) as she dumbs down and trash-ifies public discourse in her platinum-blond crusade against liberal “snowflakes” and “pearl-clutchers.” She’s the perfect person for this crusade, given that she wouldn’t understand the need to be offended ever about anything, because she’s crass, insensitive, and indelicate of mind–like us! We hope Lahren will go on one of the fabulous junkets we recommend below–and never come back. Although, that would mean we’d have to share her awesomeness, and we’re just not prepared to do that, SYRW readers! Also, we hope she’ll lay off the hair bleach, because clearly, it can damage cerebral gray matter.
Don’t Hate on Haiti!
Never! To point out that Haiti is a “shit hole” is simply calling it as your racist-see it. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Haiti’s a shit hole. Why it’s in the condition it’s in would require thoughts that are, frankly, too taxing in that they require an acknowledgment of subtlety, nuance, and the apprehension of any actual information on history, socio-cultural realities, and political economy. Instead, why not just say, as Trump did in the same meeting referenced above, “Why do we need more Haitians? Take them out,” according to the Washington Post.
Meanwhile, we’ll take ourselves in–to Port Au Prince, Haiti’s capital. You’ll relish the tropical breezes dancing through your hair., The delicious cuisine, with its African, French, Spanish, and Taino native influences will tickle your taste buds and provide probably the most outside-of-comfort-zone stimulation we Alt-righters are capable of in our current tunnel-vision state. And, the warm smiles and Hispaniola hospitality of the people you encounter in Haiti but keep at arm’s length because you don’t want to catch poverty (we’ve heard it can be contagious) might soften for just a moment the ossified blood-pumper you call a heart.
Quick, hop on your next flight and get out of that country, before those Haitians put a voodoo curse on you!
Amour for Africa
In case you were wondering, all you’ve heard about distinct African geopolitical entities is liberal Fake News. The entire, massive continent is just one big place called “Africa.” When you want to hate, insult, denigrate, and look down on the people from its 54 nations–and what other use would we have for them?–all you need to know is they have dark-brown skin and their hair isn’t blown out and blond, like yours. End of racist story. It’s just one big place called “African countries,” as Trump’s immigration comment earlier this week shrewdly pointed out. If only the Fake News media were willing to stop being shrill, kvetching harpies for a second and do a little thing called listen to our unfairly, kleptocratically-elected leader!
Anyhow, let’s not let those bleeding-hearts ruin the fun awaiting us on our second expedition. While you’re in “Africa,” you’d be Alt-remiss not to take advantage–and by that we mean to exploit the rich-beyond-our-asphalt-and-concrete-world imaginations wildlife. What are you going to grab as you go on safari to mow down sentient beings and deplete the local ecosystem–a gun, of course! Could this vacay get any better?!
Aaaah, Africa. Where it all began. Where the first humans stood upright pulling their knuckles up from the ground, the same ground we conservatives still find ours as we mouth-breathe our way onto African Countries Airlines headed for the airport in Generic African City! They’re all the same to us–who can tell their names apart, just like who can tell those people apart. right?
Get out your tissues, dear readers, for when you visit West Africa, where millions of natives were brutalized, shackled, and kidnapped to be sold as chattel in the slave trade. These are tears of joy, you’ll be shedding, of course, because the unfathomable struggle of those people gave us our McMansions, SUVs, digital devices, and dead-as-a-doornail souls that we have today.
Quick–we might miss our plane ride to the next feces-receptacle country on our whirlwind tour!
Knocking on the Door of El Salvador
Oh, silly us–what are we saying? We’d never knock on El Salvador’s door? Let’s get off the plane in this capital of El Salvador smacking gum and loudly talking about how we have, like, no cell reception, like the vulgar cretins we are!
We hope you brought your mace, ladies. There are some Bad Hombres in this place. You want your pussy in good grabbing condition for when you get back to the U.S. of A., in case you’re lucky enough to meet Trump and have him do whatever he wants to you, you know, because he’s a “celebrity.”
Anyhow, something you won’t want to miss when you’re in this Central American nation is the stunning biodiversity, with hundreds of species of flora and fauna. El Salvador is home to five species of…oh, listen to us! Going off on some pearl-clutching lecture. We can be such cosmopolitan elitists sometimes who appreciate natural beauty. You should, however, whip out your conservative camera and snap some shots of any animal. plant, or insect you boorishly step on or over, though. The way global warming is advancing, a lot of them will go from endangered to extinct faster than we can scrunch our eyes closed, click our heels together, and say, “Climate change is fake news!” three times. You could come back to the States and sell these pictures for some serious change! You’ll then have completed the Colonialist Circle of Life. It’s a beautiful thing.
Also while in El Salvador, you won’t want to miss the country’s volcanoes. They spew smoldering lava, much as Trump spews racist comments, brain-dead remarks, and vicious tirades against his opponents.,
It’s Good to be Homeland
Phew! It’s nice to see so much lily-whiteness again, huh, SYRW readers? Strip malls as far as the eye can see. We know, we know. But maybe we increased our brain cell count from three to four by seeing that people different from us exist, being forced to look at the histories of other places and peoples, and even take in different sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures. But four is enough brain cells for now. We don’t want to become Liberal!
Also: Learn how to make a White Rice Matters meal: because white lives–and white rice–do!
Until next time, SYRW-ites, don’t go anywhere. You can only trust us to guide you in your limited, blinders-on, globe-trotting adventures!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
