The average prison cell; the possibilities are endless–or are they?/Image Credit: HowStuffWorks.
This week in Decor, we at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) explore interior design for somewhere you may never have thought about applying it–the modern prison cell. President Trump and his merry band of misfits, of course, won’t have to think about this, as prison is really a place for the poor, but it never hurts to have a backup plan, does it, readers?
The Basics
Every artist, including one working with living space as his or her canvas, if you will, must consider the following:: color, form, line, mass, and texture, according to dummies.com.
Of course, depending on who’s doing the designing, whether it’s President Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, George Papadopolous, Jeff Sessions, or another member of the Trump team, their functional needs and idiosyncratic tastes will play key roles in making the prison cell they’re headed to when Robert Mueller finishes his probe feel like a place they can call home. How might each of the design elements identified above take shape in their personal digs for the next 15-20 years? Let’s explore!
You might think the design of a jail cell isn’t “open to negotiations”–but that’s not the kind of thinking that enabled the Trump campaign’s collusion with The Kremlin to get him elected, is it, dear readers? That was a resounding success, and the look of their personal spaces in the clink can be, too. They don’t call it Supermax for nothing, after all!
Now, you may have the impression that Trump, et. al. will have to settle for what they get in the hoosegow. But The Donald and his pals are used to special treatment, and they shouldn’t settle for anything less in prison. Wardens and guards will try to make it seem to Team Trump that what they see is what they get, but only the squeaky wheel gets greased, so we hope they’ll ask and receive when it comes to sprucing up their personal pokey palaces. Teamwork gets the job done, right, readers?
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Also, if the #metoo movement has taught us anything, it’s that often that cute plastic storage tub from the prison commissary is just one sexual favor away from being yours! Finally, who knows better than Trump and his mendacious acolytes that money talks, and pretty much anyone can be induced to listen.
Color Me Collusive
Gray, gray, gray…and grayer. This is generally the hue-related philosophy informing most prison cells. But regulations are for the poor whose defeatist attitudes and lack of imagination got them where they are in the first place, right, right-wing readers! It would be giving into the Depp State for Trump acolytes who find themselves in prison to accept the dreary accommodations they meet on Day 1 of their sentences. Everything’s up for alteration, as long as they put your money–or whatever the situation calls for–where their design-related mouths are. We’re sure Donald can get himself some golden walls, while Angelic Ivanka could easily procure some lily white ones, and we can only hope the same is true for the army green we assume ex-General Michael Flynn favors.
Please Fill Out This Form
There are lots of forms to fill out when you go to prison, but there’s also the form of the cell and objects in it to consider! Generally, a prison cell will be rectangular in shape, but only a square would let that limit him.
Their beds, toilets, mini-desks, and reflective-surface-replacements-for-glass-mirrors will be secured so steadfastly to the floor and walls, respectively, moving these items around won’t be much of an option, so this aspect of prison design will pose a challenge for sure. But have obstacles ever stopped Donny T before? Oh, that’s right–he’s never had any! In any case, Trump and his team still have lots of options in this area.
Under the bed might make a cozy place for, say Manafort, to rock back and forth muttering, “I didn’t collude with Russia…I didn’t collude with Russia…I didn’t collude with Russia,” while Sarah Huckabee Sanders might take the opportunity of having access to the most rudimentary of reflective surfaces to not wear some of the makeup she currently applies too much of. And, dear Kellyanne could peer out her one-foot by one-foot window onto the yard as she wonders where it all went so wrong. Of course, that would require her to be connected to reality. And she’s not. She’s really not She’s connected to…Satan, let’s be honest. She looks and acts like she’s signed a contract with the Dark Prince. He’ll give her everything she always wanted as long as she promotes his agenda constantly. Done and done…and done some more.
And: Learn how to install a little piece of the border wall to come at your home!
Line Up Against the Wall
Trump and his associates may be asked to form (!) a lot of lines in the years they spend in The Big House, but they’re not the only instances in which they’ll have to think about lines. There’ll be the borders of their cells, also known as walls, the way those meet and also extend away from each other.
Some fun ideas to make these inviting and a touch more stimulating might be to scratch at them when boredom takes over–eventually, this action is bound to have an effect even on the painted-over cement blocks of today’s penitentiary! Another idea to spruce up their surroundings in lockup might be for the Trump Traitors to smear their excrement on it as they slowly go insane. The latter may be especially helpful in coping with the thought that will likely occur to many Trump-related inmates over and over again: “What the hell was I thinking?!”
Mass-ive Missteps
When Mueller’s indictments come-a-calling, the humbler members of Trump’s inner-Russian-circle, should there be any, might think, “Perhaps the bare-bones design of my cell is an opportunity to reflect, even introspect to think about what I did wrong, and why I did it.” Sounds like a bunch of liberal snowflake gobbledygook to us!
Let’s get to thinking about how to object-ify a prison cell, much as President Trump did to Brigitte Macron, the First Lady of France, and so many women before her! The “masses” they’re allowed in prison will be restricted to their uniforms and some basic personal items. But who says a toothbrush can’t make a lovely wall-hanging or that a tattered paperback from the on-site library isn’t perfect for an accent pillow on a regulation mattress. Hey–how about tying a bunch of sheets together and making…no, not that. Uh….making a garland to drape around the cell!
If, on the other hand, you were thinking I meant because Trump and all in his orbit should do the world a favor and kill themselves now, well, you’d be wrong. Suicide is for people who are aware enough to hate themselves! It’s not for proud, Alt-righters, like us! No, we just kill everything around us when we’re mad at the world. And that’s why we’re so fantabulously Alt.
Ambiguous Texture
Well, actually, SYRW readers, the contemporary penitentiary is already full of it, bumpy cement blocks that make up the walls, the smooth tile flloors, the 10-thread count sheets on the bed, the stainless steel sink. But this is about personalizing and sprucing up those amenities, so here are some other ideas.
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Trump and others could form their toothbrushes into a sharp, using it to cut into the bed, the walls, anything, in any fun, inventive design they please. They could sneak a lighter into their rooms and melt a almost anything into a liquidy-smooth texture. And, they could use their fingernails to draw their own blood, using that to paint on the walls, allowing it to dry and become crusty. Texture, texture, texture!
Why are potato chips so amazing, after all! Well, in part because they are making a corporation richer, and that satisfied my hunger and yours, I’m sure, too.. We’re right-wingers of the contemporary political spectrum in the UlS. of Al and that’s all that matters to us: MO-NAY. Of course fried potato anything is just dang good, too, in particular in the case of chips because of the crunchy texture.. See–texture’s important, especially because you might never get a chip in the clink if you’re Trump, et. al, because your food choices aren’t always up to you. Or you might get chips ALL the time. Just one of the maddening infantalizations and monotony that is like in the hoosegow.
Don’t Cry For Me, America
If you’ve let the Fake News Liberal Media get to you and actually believe that Trump and Team will serve any time behind bars for their crimes, first of all, shame on Alt-you Second of all, we hope this made you feel better about the decor options available to the group of winners known as the Trump family and administration.
Until next week, Alt-readers, go decorate the world with your inner hideous, instantiated outwardly by your ugly spray tans, over-processed hair, cheaply-tailored suits, too-tight skirts, stripper heels, tons of makeup, bad cologne applied as if you filled the mechanism with a hair dryer with it and then blow-dry-sprayed it all over yourself.
If you want to look like the intelligent, humble, introspective, soul-having, hippie-dippe, types, i.e, left-wingers, to fool them into thinking you’re one of them and go undercover to infiltrate their sick world, then you have my Alt-permission to dress like a normal person and not like you’re on Jersey Shore. Other than that skin-tight dresses that fall above the vagine, whether it’s your time of the month or not, French nail tips, and 10-inch stilettos in any context in which you are breathing are required of a good Alt-lady. And ill-fitting suits that you paid too much for, the ubiquitous spray tan, too much gel in your hair, and garish accessories are required of a fabulous Alt-man. Trump and those in his inner circle can use these personal style ideas to mine for, in turn, ideas for their white collar prison digs. Just like you write what you know, you decorate what or how you know. Or in the case of conserva-dolts like us, what we don’t know. And that is: everything.. We don’t know everything….er…anything.
Now, to Trump and those who kiss his but and then get the tell-tale orange stain on them, I say start putting you affairs in order. Make sure your affairs are in order, your t’s crossed, your i’s dotted, your assets hidden in off-shore accounts for safe-keeping until you come back. All the things a twisted person who’s not going to jail to repent or because you believe you deserve to be punished after the grave mistake you made. No, you’re just doing it to appease the Deep/Nanny State until you’re back in charge of it. Then it’s totally acceptable law and order. And you’ll get behind it like you’ve never gotten behind anything before in your life. As long as there’s some money or political points to gain or be scored, respectively from doing so. To being a repulsive pice of trash–and living in a home designed like one!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
