braGet, get, get yourself some useless products to help out the poor, little Trump admin–er, boost your health./Image credit: Licensed Dreamstime stock, Oleg Dudko.
Good day, readers dying to know what Stuff We Love this week., Let’s take a deep breath in. Hold it. And turn your attention to your well-being. Aaaaaaaaaand, exhale and let’s begin.
Boundless Mendacity
We assume by now that you’ve purchased every product on the Make America Great Again website, in bulk, and if you really love Trump/hate others, distributed much of it for free, maybe at a garage sale or swap meet. Obviously, that lowered your health by contributing to the slow soul-suicide you’re achieving by being a Conservative.
Around the time of the hurricane that reduced the island of Puerto Rico to rubble, President Trump, Melania, and some other awesome types, after several days, made a trip down there, as previous political leaders have done in such situations. Trump was seen wearing his Make America Great Again hat and criticized heavily for it. Very unfair, why shouldn’t Dear Donald use every opportunity to fleece people out of their hard-earned dollars by encouraging them to buy his merchandise, thereby lining his pockets? Why should he make it seem like he cares about what he’s doing rather than his personal bottom line? Why should it be considered unseemly, unscrupulous bad form to use a tragedy to advertise his trash merchandise?
If you’ve been itching–whether literally or figuratively–to sink your monies into more products that do nothing but…well, nothing, for you, and line the pockets of The Very Stable Genius and his acolytes, look no further, dear Spread Your Right Wings, readers! You know we’re always on the lookout for some consumer goods to do little for you, but lots for the Trump Brigade’s bank accounts! And we have some amazing finds today that claim to help you be healthier, but likely do little more than making Team Trump wealthier.
Sarah Huckabee Sandals
These will be the last custom orthotics you’ll ever by. As soon as you slide your puppies into these beautiful and healing sandals, pretty much any physical ailment you have will begin to disappear. What are they good for? Well, why do you need them to be good for? Back pain, headaches, fibromyalgia, eczema, psoriasis, something else? What a coincidence! That’s what they’re for!
These handsome foot-beds can be yours for just $699.99! Isn’t your health worth it? As Sarah Huckabee Sanders plods dejectedly back and forth from the White House Press Briefing room to her office in the West Wing, she wears a pair of Sarah Huckabee Sanders wear a pair of these herself and there’s a spring in her step and a bounce in her gait because of it.
These sandals were designed by the White House Press Secretary herself, and she’s a devout Christian, as you know. As such, this lovely footwear has your soul’s health in mind, modeled after the ones Jesus Christ wore. They’re virtually identical to the sandals he not only wore but sold on his on his own website themessiah.com. Even so, the design of these sexy slippers has been updated based on our increased knowledge today of spine alignment and its relation to overall health. Now do a Google search for these and buy yourself a pair today, And until then, please crawl or slither about, because it’s really not safe for you to be ambling about without these on.
Kelly’s Jelly
Cream cheese is so over. Butter is blah. Jams and marmalades–fruity, meaning GAY! Don’t spread any of those on your next bagel, piece of toast, or cracker, hungry right-wing readers.
Instead, slather on some Kelly’s Jelly! This barely-palatable condiment is made in Empty Barrels like the ones Gen. Kelly attacked Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-Fl) for when she rightly criticized Pres. Trump for his awful behavior on a phone call with Gold Star widow Myeisha Johnson. It’s made with three special herbs, Hatemyjobica Somuchex, Getmeoutofhere biloba, and Whymelord Irelandicans. These three herbs are some of nature’s most powerful anxiolytics, and they’ll make anything you really don’t want to do but feel like you have to, such as accept a job as the Chief of Staff of the president of a world superpower, easygoing. You’ll feel focused, confident, and happy, despite your soul dying in small but very real ways each and every day.
Sitting in traffic after a long day at work? Scoop out a quivering tablespoon of Kelly’s Jelly and down in one gulp. Your hands will relax around the steering wheel, and you’ll be belting out the Christian rock right along with your dashboard radio. Got a yearly colonoscopy appointment and would rather do anything but show up for it? Dip a digit into a jar of Kelly’s Jelly and you’ll show up to the doctor’s office with Alt-bells on.
DeVoss Floss
Isn’t it Betsy DeVoss, had the time, given her busy schedule taking the country back to the 18th century, to sign a piece of paper allowing some random company to put her name on this snake-oil product? DeVoss was working so hard to bring a worse education to fewer children by privatizing the public school system; make it less likely that college sexual assault victims would report their crimes to campus authorities; and arrange it so student loans are more of a crushing burden on the backs of people trying to do just what the right wing is always saying they want people to do, bootstrap their way to success.
Nevertheless, given that she’s a public servant, DeVoss did make the time, and you’ll now be able to floss your chompers to good health with this amazing product. And good thing! You’ll need healthy teeth to take make your right wing bite as bad as your bark, see to it that as many underprivileged people as possible bite the dust due to a lack of quality healthcare, and take a bite out of gun crime by buying more guns.
Have you ever had one of those dreams that your teeth are falling out? It’s your subconscious whispering to you that you’re becoming a soft, liberal snowflake, Buy some DeVoss Floss to make sure that doesn’t happen!
Miller’s Pill-ers
Clearly, Stephen Miller was that kid in his school who had few friends, no dates, and lots of time to immerse himself in the work of spurious historians, third-rate writers, and fake academics, which he did. This is why his family is sane, good left-leaning Jews, and he’s a psychotic conservative! Fast forward a few years and he has a prime position in the Trump admin.
However, he seems to us, as much as we love his unhinged outbursts and racist beliefs, that he needs to get laid. Doesn’t he seem like one of those unpleasant, snippy people who you one day notice is suddenly relaxed, happy, and even nice to be around –and you soon found out they finally had a roll in the hay?
That’s just what made Miller design these wonderful tablets himself. They’re filled with twenty-seven powerful aphrodisiacs found in the Amazon, one for each year Miller has been hoping to lose his virginity. They are sourced with zero thought to the indigenous people of the area. And even though trees didn’t need to be cut down to collect them, one was cut down in the making of each bottle of these capsules simply to support the right-wing cause of hastening the arrival of the environmental apocalypse.
So, if you find yourself being a complete jerk and repelling everyone you come in contact with, even having to be escorted off the set of The Lead With Jake Tapper on CNN, pop one of these babies. Soon, the neo-con ladies will come-a-calling (but not the LGBT, as they don’t count or exist in Conservative World). Before you know it, you’ll be doing the vertical tango with a right-wing hottie. Post-coitus, you might actually be a tolerable person to be around!
Kushner’s Kushions
There really isn’t a better person to design a soft support for your Alt-derriere than Jared Kushner. He has impossibly soft and lovely skin, his brain seems to be made of mush, and he’s lead a cushy life of wealth and privilege. Kushner wanted to bring you some of the Easy Street benefits of growing up wealthy and oblivious.
We at SYRW really can’t think of a better way to say, “I’m sorry for supporting, in my own do-nothing, know-nothing way, my father-in-law’s clumsy crusade to make your lives worse, economically-disadvantaged Trump supporters,” than designing and selling at an unreasonable price a velvety smooth, plush place to park your keister.
These buxom booty cradles take a whole new approach to comfort. They’re filled with the down of fifteen baby animals that are on the endangered species list, most of whom are dying in droves thanks to President Trump’s complete dismantling of the regulations that protected them on many fronts, such as national parks, offshore drilling sites, and lots more. Why 15? Just a nice way to honor the fifteen people who’ve been pushed out of the Trump administration so far. You can literally rest easy knowing that each time you sit down, you’re symbolically crushing both the baby animals and the ex-Trump officials who couldn’t hack it, just like our president enjoys crushing them.
Of course, you’re also giving Kushner some much-needed charity, as he’s one of the worst real estate dealmakers in New York City history, and he pretty much has no idea what he’s doing in the White House either, so his prospects for income aren’t the best. Oh, wait! He married into money and inherited a ton of it, too. Oops! Well, who doesn’t need more money? And more and more and more and more! That’s the whole point of the sick Capitalist dance we’re all doing with each other every day! So support the Kush and buy a Kushion by Kushner.
The Big, Awful Picture
As we’re always reminding you here at SYRW, we U.S. citizens are locked in this horrible hostage situation called The Capitalist Project. We’re the hostages with Stockholm Syndrome, willingly supporting our corporate hostage takers by working for them while they reap the benefits. We are so deeply dependent on them that only a revolution that’s likely never going to happen will change things. Buying as many of the above products as possible will not only dig you deeper into the capitalist codependent hole of a relationship, but it’ll also do exactly zilch for your health, even though the products claim to. Additionally, buying crap none of us need always fills us with a momentary rush of satisfaction and distracts us from thinking about doing what would truly be best for us–overthrowing the capitalist system! And most important–most important–it’ll further bloat the coffers of the Trump family and those that kiss their asses. Remember: we promised to stand by our man, as Tammy Wynette sang–even if he shoots someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
