Three new surgical procedures can return to right-wingers their ability to hasten the downfall of society./Image credit: Licensed Shutterstock stock, Pro_Stock.
Salutary Salutations, dear Spread Your Right Wings readers and health-seekers. This week in Wellness, we want to bring you news, exclusive news, as always. Nowhere else is exactly where you can find the life-changing information we want to share with you in this article. It’s about three cutting-edge cosmetic surgical procedures that solve crippling health predicaments that plague the right-wing community, They’re cosmetic, but that doesn’t mean their frivolous or vain. On the contrary, they can save lives–the ones that matter, that is, those of our tribe.
Tongue De-Forking-oplasty
Many conservative troops fighting the good fight in the cultural war we’re in with godless liberals are suffering from a disfiguring condition known colloquially as Serpent Tongue or Snake Mouth. The technical medical term for this disorder is Forked Tongue.
“Forked Tongue is a bifurcation of the oral muscle known as the tongue, resulting in a snakelike appearance that betrays the sufferer’s viper-like nature, making it nearly impossible for them to lead normal lives. Everyone can tell as soon as they open their mouths to speak that they should be distrusted, even run from in horror,” said Dr. Polly Ethyleneglycol
Thanks to pioneering work by researchers at the Rupert Murdoch Institute for Soul Murder and Body Betterment, serpents in human form who haven’t been able to advance their vile, right-wing plots due to their forked tongues uncontrollably darting out of their mouths, letting all who meet them know that they’re goal is to slither their slimy way into human society and wreak havoc, can imagine a day when they can resume destroying the Earth.. Their suffering need not go on a day longer, however.
“We can now fuse the tongue so that these minions of Satan look just like regular humans. They can insinuate themselves into society–in particular, liberal circles of it–and bring it down from the inside,” said Dr. Ethyleneglycol.
The surgery and healing together take just about a week. Former Forkers, as they call themselves, can then go back to work taking their communities down the dark path of Alt-righteousness, advocating for rights for no one except fetuses, championing the cause of small government except when they need the government to protect their guns over the rights of people to be safe from guns , advancing the cause of health care for the rich only, and so forth.
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“I’m thrilled I got Tongue Fusion Surgery. I have normal relationships with many human friends–even a human life partner,” said Nagini Snakeston, who woke one awful day in April 2017 to find her two-pronged tongue shooting in and out of her mouth with no warning.
“Now those liberal snowflakes won’t know what’s coming when I melt them into a puddle of quaking water,” Snakeston said, with a wink of her slit-for-a-pupil eye.
Horn Shaving-oplasty
A few years into their conservative political activist careers, many Alt-heroes notice two, dull bumps on their heads. Most chalk this up to the normal variation on the surface of the human skull. However, the bumps continue to grow until they’re three to six-inch red horns. Yes, red horns like the devil is said to have on his noggin. Doctors call this Horned Head Disease.
Imagine, dear SYRW readers, the humiliation these dear devil-people must suffer when it’s so obvious to all around them that their hearts are as so dry and shriveled, it’s as if the global warming that doesn’t exist desiccated them, that they have bad intentions, and they’re not to be trusted.
With funding from the Rebekah Mercer Center for Conservative Catharsis, doctors and surgeons began experimenting with ways to help these “human” Alt-devils live normal lives.
And: Read about Ivanka’s idea for a Trump-team legal defense in the Mueller probe.
And now, thanks to Mercer money and tireless work by the surgeons in its employ, like. Dr. Lucy Fer, there’s hope for these monstrous-of-soul people, if you’ll allow us to use that word in reference to them. Doctors can now shave the bony protrusions on the skulls of Hornies, a name they gave to themselves in as a way to take back the power they never lost. It’s a surgery that can be conducted on an outpatient basis, despite how painful it can be. And many who’ve had it sing its praises.
“My life is 100 percent better now that I’ve been de-horned. No one has to know what sinister motivations lie inside me, and good, because I feel like it isn’t anyone’s business,” said Dia Bolical.
“Plus this makes it all that much easier to hide in plain sight, undermining democratic values with my trump card–pun intended: the appearance that I’m just like you all,” Bolical added, laughing, tossing her head back in ghoulish abandon.
Facial Union-oplasty
Perhaps the most important surgery for right-wing-ers, particularly those in or running for political office, is Facial Union-oplasty. After just a couple months of talking out of both sides of their mouth, trying to have it both ways, and saying one thing to one person and the opposite thing to another person, many conservatives wake up one morning to a horrible new reality. They find they have not one, but two identical, faces. This is called Dual Mug Syndrome (DMS).
They’re just going about their way, loudly, un-humbly trying to do Satan’s work, when–boom! Two faces! Very unfair!
Luckily, with a $400 bajillion grant from The Kock Brothers Institute for Bad People’s Health, researchers have developed a triumphant treatment for this disfiguring condition that has interfered in the duplicitous work of so many of the Double Visaged community, again, a moniker they gave themselves to reclaim some control in their lives, even though they never lost it.
The two countenances of people with DMS can be tied together with gauze. Then, the DMS-sufferer must refrain from duplicitousness for two weeks. Over that period, their bi-facial reality becomes a uni-facial one. They can resume being two-faced, dishonest equivocators, as long as they take a medication called Loneface every day and wear restrictive bandages around their faces and heads while they sleep.
See how good science can be when it’s doing something that benefits us? When it’s benefitting people who don’t belong to our right-wing tribe, or trying to warn us about global warming, it’s just a theory, one we can accept or deny as we choose–and not a very good theory at that.
Talk to Your Alt-Doctor
If you, or anyone you know, is or are suffering from Snake Mouth, Horned Head, or Dual Mug, talk to your doctor today about treatment options, in particular these wonderfully Alt-healing surgical procedures. There is hope, and together we can maintain our privileged position in society, all the while undermining it, with no liberal snowflake the wiser.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
