Unicorns and rainbows are just the tip of the iceberg of ravishing glory on daily display in the Trump White House./Image Credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, marbenzu.
Greetings, my monocle-using, plaid-blazer-with-suede-elbow-patches-wearing, pipe-smoking, tenure-track Spread Your Right Wings readers, We’re here to spread knowledge far and wide, as always.
Today, our intelligence-raising efforts will be mostly debunking misinformation you’ve undoubtedly had the misfortune of having your brain polluted with by now. Then, we’re going to replace that empty brain of yours with the truth, in the tradition of Fox News, InfoWars, Breitbart, the Daily Stormer and other Alt-news outlets, which we flatter ourselves to think we’re as good as.
The last few days have brought news of a book so full of truthful filth, dishonest fact, and idiotic ‘information,” it even seems low for the Fake News Media–Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House by Michael Wolff. Sorry if you’re not violently puking at the mere mention of that piece of horse doody.
The mainstream media would just as soon you never found out about the book that we’re going to tell you about, which has the real story of life in the White House. It’s called, Love and Light–The Real Story From Inside the Trump White House by Michaela Fflow. Here’s a primer on that Pulitzer-Prize-short-listed work of art, based on tens of seconds of interviews with zero Trump administration officials.
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Bannon’s Beauty
You know, obviously, if you have working eyes, that Steve Bannon is so staggeringly gorgeous that Adonis took one look down at him from heaven that he brought himself back to life simply so he could kill himself of shame. What you don’t know about Sexy Steve is that the beauty of his soul makes his physical beauty pale in comparison. While the Fake News Media would have you think Trump despises Bannon after the latter called Don, Jr.’s Russian BFF-ships ”treasonous” and ‘unpatriotic” and Ivanka “dumb as a brick,” it’s simply not true.
“Isolated from his political allies and cut off from his financial patrons, Stephen K. Bannon, President Trump’s former chief strategist, issued a striking apology on Sunday for comments he had made that were critical of the president’s eldest son,” reported The New York Times on Sunday. He said his “treasonous” comment was not aimed at Junior.
In addition, you can only read what Bannon the Babe really said about these topics in Fflow’s, not Wolff’s, book.
“Don, Jr.’s meetings with Kremlin Kronies in June 2016 was an example of patriotism and service to country the likes of which we haven’t seen since Japan’s Kamikaze pilots during World War II,” Fflow’s Love and Light recounts Bannon as having mused as his eyes, looking heavenward, filled with tears.
And he didn’t say he thinks Ivanka’s native intelligence is similar to that of a real-life building block of sun-dried clay, which is a fact so obvious that to state it almost cheapens it. Heck, no!
“Ivanka could have been the president of Mensa, the organization for people with genius-level IQs,” Bannon told Fflow and she writes in her tell-all. “She stepped aside so someone else could have the chance, though. Each year Mensa begs her to be president, but she declines, wanting a fellow genius who isn’t privileged beyond belief to have the chance.”
Trump’s Tragedy
Perhaps more than the gossipy aspects of Wolff’s book one of the more damning and disturbing–if you believe them, which as right-wing reactionaries you, of course, don’t–are the painfully plain-as-day realities that Trump has a paucity of patience for understanding or even trying to understand policy, Again: not true!
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“Donald Trump wrote the Constitution,” Fflow’s book notes. He had no help from Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, John Adams, or any of the other egotistical blowhards with no substance to back up their hubris who’ve taken credit for penning the document that gave birth to the nation. How he could have written something that was authored almost 300 years ago is something we’re just going to go ahead and get back to you on. But he did, okay? He just did! he wrote the Constitution! How’s that for understanding public policy! He not only understands it, he invented it.
Goo Goo, Ga Ga
And don’t believe a word of that “everyone around Trump thinks he’s a tall infant!”
As you’ll see when you get yourself a copy of Fflow’s book, on your way to tossing Wolff’s in the nearest dumpster, anyone who comes within smelling distance of Trump knows without any shadow of a doubt that he is an old, sober, serious soul.
Wolff took great pains to paint Trump as an id-fueled lunatic, focused on immediate gratification and basic appetites. But again, that’s just a lie. Of course, it would be difficult to find any evidence to the contrary, but Fflow did just that.
She conducted a marshmallow test on Trump. “The marshmallow test’ is shorthand for an experiment in which researchers put young children in a room with a marshmallow and told them if they could refrain from eating it, they could have two. They then left the room. Being able to understand and enact the idea of delay of gratification is a predictor of life success, of course. And many of the children involved in this famous experiment were unable to avoid the temptation of the gooey white treat in front of them.
‘I did this test with Trump, and he put those kids to shame.” Fflow shares in her towering literary achievement Trump tome. Fflow notes that she left Trump alone with a marshmallow, and as in the original experiment with the kiddos, a hidden camera recorded what transpired next. Trump didn’t just delay eating the marshmallow. He threw it across the room, folded his hands in front of himself, and began wailing, as tears made paths down his reddening face. He then got up from the table, crying and gasping for air, and crawled over to the marshmalow. He picked it up and began rubbing it in between his hands, then all over his face. Obviously, he’s the very stable genius he’s proclaimed himself to be.
Tabloid Trash or Truthful Treasure?
Trump’s eternal champion, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, when asked about Fflow’s book in a press conference noted the White House’s affection for the too-too-true tale!
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“What I think President Trump thinks about this book is that it’s a beautiful masterpiece,” Sanders gushed in her characteristic sibling-dating-esque Southern drawl.
“But why say it, when I can sing it?” she asked. She then jogged gingerly out of the White House Press Briefing Room for a moment. She lugged a giant harp back into the room with her. As white wings sprouted on her back, she sang these words to the familiar tune:
“Aaaaa-may, zing-grace/How accurate the publication/That vindicated a monster/Like my boss-man.”
She then took flight to return to the cloud she calls home in heaven.
All You Need to Know
If you ever–EVER–have to deal with a Never Trumper again, lovely SYRW readers, we hope you’ll whip out your copy, on the spot, of Fflow’s book and read to that awful person in front of you the following quote from Fflow’s book:
“The collective of do-gooders known as the Trump administration is a group of humans that are so immaculate of soul, so pure of purpose, and so unassailable of action that they make Mother Theresa look like Hannibal Lecter, Nelson Mandela look like Paris Hilton, and Martin Luther King look like Pol Pot.”
We’re off now to find the next conservative-penned, Booker-Prize-shortlisted literary masterpiece to apprise you of next week. Dear readers, go forth, reading as little as possible–maybe just the the chiron on Fox News–until we tell you what else to read.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
