“So you agree–you think you’re really pretty?” –Regina George/Donal Trump/Image Credit: Licensed Shutterstock stock, a katz.
The old life imitates art imitates life imitates art conundrum reached dizzying, i.e., nauseating, new heights this, week, my Spread Your Right Wings readers and Alt-BFFs. Only, I, Bubbles McMillan have the real inside scoop, and I’m about to give it to you.
I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close! This is some seriously juicy right-wing gossip.
Washington, D.C. = North Shore High School
As you may have heard, Steve Bannon and Donald Trump are officially on the outs, ever since it leaked that, in a new book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House by Michael Wolff, he said Don, Jr.’s meeting with a bunch of Russians in 2016 was “treasonous” and “unpatriotic” and also called Ivanka “dumb as a brick.”
What you don’t know–until now–is that the whole Trump administration, both current and former members, are actually involved in a massive role-playing game. It’s known in D.C. Republican circles as “Mean Girls, White House Edition: Mean Boys.”
Related: We brought you an EXCLUSIVE on Ivanka’s genius legal strategy last week.
It’s all gone horribly wrong, though! Go figure!
Who Is Cady?
Well, I guess it won’t surprise you to know that Donald Trump, Sr. is playing Regina George–duh! The bully who thinks he’s god’s gift to the Earth.
Ivanka’s playing Aaron Samuels, and before you say, “Ew–that’s gross,” remember that The Donald once said that if he weren’t Ivanka’s father, he’d be dating her.
The identity of D.C.’s Gretchen Weiners will probs surprise you. Gretchen was Jewish, and notorious anti-Semite Steve Bannon played her. He’s the desperate outsider, so, there’s that.
Don’t Miss: Keep your right-wing nails in top shape by reading this past week’s Beauty column.
The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet
Well, someone had to play Janice and Damian. And Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer agreed to do so, as they’re the alterna-crowd as far as D.C.’s concerned.
I’m A Mouse–Duh!
Melania has been playing Karen, which may not surprise you. She’s the pretty face–though not nearly as pretty as Karen, let’s be honest.
Maybe after this nightmare Trump admin goes to hell Melania’s second incarnation can be a weather girl, like Karen! Silver linings people–they’re called siliver linings.
All Right, Everbody, Settle Down
Kim Jon Un had only recently agreed to play one of the hot, cool Asian girls when it all went horribly, horribly wrong.
Who knew being President could be harder than a role-playing game, right, readers?
The poor D.C. Trump crowd hadn’t found the one fully likable person to play their Cady Heron when Mr. Duvall, Rober Mueller, intervened. We suppose he had to when The Real Life Trump Burn Book, the Steele Dossier, surfaced. That wet blanket, Mr. Duvall,/Robert Mueller, had to come ruin everyone’s fun/save democracy. Oh, well! Killing the fun just like in the movie!
All isn’t lost, my Alt-Chatty Cathys. Mueller/Mr. Duvall could still call Trump/Regina into his office to testify/grill her. Of course, it likely won’t be anywhere near as interesting, because, despite our Alt-love for His Orangeness, I think we can all agree he’s not nearly as smart as Regina!
Must-Read:: See what our advice columnist says about buying a right-wing home on the beach.
You Knew It Was Coming
Now, with no Cady to bring a soul to the group and set in motion all the healing, what will become of our dear, wonderful, do-gooder Trump admin.
You’ll just have to wait until next week, when I bring you more gossip, and read all the articles on SYRW for support and guidance in the meantime.
Until then, remember–you didn’t hear this from me, Bubbles MacMillan.
Some Questions to Ponder
As you make your right-wing day in the coming week, dear SYRW readers, why don’t you go ahead and think about the following:
Who in the Trump admin is Shane Oman (Jared Kushner?), who is Coach Carr (we can’t even thihk of an option), and who, pray tell, are the lovably nerdy Mr. and Mrs. Heron?
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
