Yoga’s roots are right-wing, dear readers!/Image credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, sianstock
This week in Wellness on Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), we’re going to cover a topic many of you may already know a lot about: yoga!
We at SYRW are going to let you in on some little-known info, however, about a few of the most popular poses. Think of SYRW as your game-changing guru, one that’s about to reinsert the right-wing into your practice. We’re about to reinvigorate your regular yogic pursuit, making it that much more right-wing. In doing so, we’re sure it’ll degenerate your physical, mental, and spiritual health overall.
Yoga is a practice developed, as you probably know, thousands of years ago in India. The ancient Indo-Aryans were in many ways the original racists, obsessed as they were with the fairness of their skin as compared to the darker skin of the Dravidian peoples’ the encountered upon conquering India, as they moved across the Iranian plateau. Hitler knew this and was also, of course, preoccupied with the racial policies of the early Aryans, a branch of whom founded the European races as well, which is why he chose the swastika as the symbol of his psychotic campaign!
While “the Alt” has been whitewashed (ironically) out of the names and descriptions of yoga pose over the years, we’re here to put it right back in them. Ready to have some asana knowledge dropped on ya’, SYRW readers? Then read on to learn about the right-wing origin of five of the most popular, basic yoga poses.
Related: Make your right-wing abode the sanctuary of Stephen K. Nihilism it was meant to be.
Let’s Begin
Why don’t you, readers, take a deep breath in, allowing darkness and negativity to fill your lungs. Feel the lack-of-pressure involved in being your right-wing self, allowing it to anchor your feet on your mat. Imagine your third eye opening to take in the knowledge of the inane conspiracy theories we on the right of the political spectrum favor, such as the one we’re about to fill you in on.
Now, before we get into actual poses, can anyone tell us what the word “yoga,” itself means? Anyone? We think we see a hand there! Yes? That’s right! It means “union” in Sanskrit. And that word is where the left got started on its take-out-the-hate enterprise to Democratize yoga. “Yoga” really means “Only a Union Between a Man and a Woman Is Valid!” Now, let’s move our attention gently to some specific poses, or asanas.
Triangle Pose
That’s how you probably know Trikonasana. Well, we want you to get to know the original intent behind this pose. Trikonasana does, in fact, mean “Triangle Pose.” There’s more to it, though, which liberals, in their snowflakey zeal to hippie-ize the practice of yoga would just as soon have you not know.
The triangle the Vedic Aryans were referring to with this pose was a symbolic one. The three equally important points in it were ones that will be wonderfully familiar to you as a conservative: oppression, repression, and suppression. These terms are all related, sure, but each had its own special meaning for the ancient Indo-Aryans and now us. Oppression referred to the persecution of minority groups, repression meant the squelching of dissenting voices in the media by orange-skinned presidents, and suppression meant voter suppression via gerrymandering and the like.
Child Pose
As all you yoga devotees know, Balasana is referred to in English as “Child Pose,” but that’s not the whole story.
Balasana fully-translated means “Petulant Child Pose,” as in throwing a collective temper tantrum when you feel the majority group or tribe you belong to is required to share a piece of the cultural pie with traditionally-marginalized groups.
Also: Find out how to make your lips as luscious as can be for spouting lies about the GOP tax scam.
From now on, when you go into this pose, scrunch up your face like an angry baby and pound your fists on your mat. In doing so, you’ll be in the right mindset to troll libs on Twitter, call in to InfoWars to rail against the Nanny State, and email your Congressional representatives with threats of withholding your vote from them should they support anything but the most rightist policy agenda.
Warrior Pose
For reasons too lengthy to detail in this post, but ones we’re happy about and you should be too, there are still obvious remnants of the right-wing reactionary in Warrior I and II, known in Sanskrit as Virabhadrasana, as you’re aware.
However, properly translated Virabhadrasana means, “Right Wing Cultural Warrior.” The shape of the body while doing Warrior I and II are meant to–and do–fill the body with the neurotransmitters and other bodily chemicals necessary for the yogic spiritual seeker to keep down liberals and all the people liberals traditionally support.
Tree Pose
Vriksasana doesn’t mean simply “tree pose” in Sanskrit, our lovely red-state readers. The full translation is “Cut Down the Tree to Make Way for Development Pose..” As such, full “tree pose” involves letting gravity tip you over after making it.
Performing this pose properly will reaffirm your commitment to grabbing the proverbial pussy of the environment. You might suffer a head injury when you fall, but that’s of little consequence given we GOP members rarely use that body part.
Cat Pose
This yoga favorite is really supposed to be called, “Treat the Earth Like Your Very Own Cat Box Pose.” That’s what Marjariasana means in the language of the ancient Indo-Aryans, and it was devised by the first yogis to mimic the action of a defecating feline. What a great way to manifest physically our collective ethos of covering the planet in toxic filth in pursuit of the capitalist project!
Yoga is so much about intention, right, mystical seekers? So, don’t be surprised if, while you’re doing this pose with the correct purpose in mind, your own pet cat sidles up next to you and begins kicking it’s front legs back as if burying its excrement.
Namaste, Readers–Na. Mas. Te.
If you’ve always felt uncomfortable with the “loving-kindness” aspect of yoga, being a good hate-filled right-wing nut job, say reverse-namaste to that nagging uneasiness. You can now engage in your yoga practice as a less informed, less enlightened conservative. Feels good, right?
You also now have something else you can fight with the liberal loonies in your life about. You know the hate-filled beginnings of yoga and the true, spiteful meaning behind each pose, and you don’t have to sit idly by while liberals attempt to keep something else from you.
See you on the mat, SYRW readers!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
