This is the shortest and dullest a set of right-wing nails should be!/Image credit: Licensed Adobe stock, Szabolcs Szekeres.
Hey, Alt-hotties! This week in Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) we’re going to review some nail care basics. Giving your nails proper attention makes them a beautiful, healthy, and the cherry on top of your right-wing-look sundae! Fingernails are especially important for the conservative wingnut, whether it’s in the interest of putting your best fist upward at a neo-Nazi rally, putting your hand up in the face of a marginalized group member, or wiping away tears because you have to consider sharing your societal privilege with others now and that’s just so sad.
You may say to yourself, all I need is a tacky French manicure, and my right-wing nails are in good shape. Tut, tut, dear readers! That’s just one aspect of conservatively comely nails. And while we’ll address manicures and pedicures in future posts, we will say now that you shouldn’t feel the need to limit yourself to a French manicure, as you can see from the claws in the image above.
Have a Look: We “review” some of The Donald’s Tweets in this week’s Readings.
Let’s get to it, Right Wing Nut Jobs. There are five things to keep in mind when making sure your nails are in the best shape they can be: length, shape, moisturization, cuticle care, and avoiding bad nail habits.
The Long and the Short of It
There’s no one length that is the healthiest when it comes to nails. Long is best for tearing at the social contract we’re  in that requires us all to make sacrifices but then betters society as a whole–and our own lives, too. But short can be great for hitting women and minority-groups with your best, cruelest shot, for example when you want to grab a woman’s pussy!
The important thing is to keep your nails neat and tidy, whatever length works best for the particular sociopathic right-wing endeavor you’re involved in at the time.
Tip-Top Shape
As with length, we’re not of the school of thought that says your nails must be one way or another. They need regular care, grooming, and a little pampering, and they’ll be fine.
Round, square, sharp–take your pick! Just make sure to cut and file as necessary, to ensure your nails are effective weapons in the cultural war we’re in against the Liberal Agenda.
Related: See what direction Ivanka hopes to take the Trump legal strategy in 2018.Â
If you don’t have your gun on you, you may need to use your hands, after all. You may opt to use them even if you do have a firearm handy, because the tactile satisfaction of snatching away rights and privileges from others when you wrongly feel yours are threatened–or even when you don’t feel yours are threatened–is half the fun of it!
Don’t Be a Saboteur of Moisture
Go get a tube, tub, or bottle of hand lotion and start rubbing it in now, dear SYRW readers! Nails are extensions of the hands, of course, so well-moisturized mitts will help you not give handouts to lazy poor people, ensure you have the best implements to claw your way to the top in your bootstrapping life -venture, and help you rip away at copies of the Constitution (except our dear Second Amendment) when you need some Alt-inspiration.
Cuticle Cuteness
Some may say push back your cuticles, but we don’t see why. Sure, it looks better. But the push-back you really need to be concerned with is the Trump administration’s push back on the modest gains the LGBT community has made as far as securing equal rights and how you can aid that, for example. That being said, regressed cuticles can be a wonderful part of a regressive political philosophy.
It’s not the best choice to cut or trim your cuticles, however. It can make them ragged and more prone to infection. Why cut your cuticles, when your cutting-related energy would be much better spent, given your conservative political leanings, cutting short the life of the economically disadvantaged by opposing universal health care instead?
Also: Our advice columnist addresses the of topic right-wing home-buying.
Don’t take out on your cuticles what you could take out on others!
Rub some vitamin E oil into your cuticles to help keep them in the best shape possible. Or, you could massage a dollop of petroleum-based oil into them, increasing the need to ravage the environment to make more available.
Ditch the Bad Habits
Don’t. Bite. Your. Nails.
Need we bring up how unattractive it looks to do chew on your fingernails or how gross it makes your nails look? Yech! It reeks of anxiety, and as conservatives, when we feel anxious about our life position and how much value society places on us, we don’t get nervous and bite our nails. No, instead we get revenge on those we perceive as the cause of the changes to contemporary American society, i.e., anyone who isn’t a member of our tribe, by electing a lunatic to be president!
Nail-biting is bad right-wing form, in short!
Don’t use your nails to open a can of your red-blooded American man-beer of choice. Don’t use them to manipulate packing or mailing tape when you’re preparing a bomb to mail to the home of a Muslim. And, avoid using them to scratch stickers, labels, etc. off of any kind of surface, even when you’re super-eager to make use of whatever consumer good you’ve just purchased as part of the endless, dissatisfying yet addictive, capitalist project we’re all pursuing together.
More to Come
There, dear SYRW readers, you have the basics of nail health for the Alt-conservative.
Soon, we’ll review manicure and pedicure do’s and don’t’s.
Until then, go out and tear some liberal snowflake a new one, will ya’?
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
