Donald Trump says he has the answer to why hurricanes have been so vicious this year.
The United States’ growing reliance on wind energy, especially the sprawling wind farms in many Western states, were a largely unrecognized factor in the monster hurricanes that tore through Texas, Puerto Rico, and Florida recently, said President Trump in an impromptu exchange with reporters outside the White House Thursday.
“I know more about so-called wind energy than any president that’s ever held office or any meteorologist out there. A lot of people are saying I’m right that all those wind turbines and the corrupt wind industry caused those hurricanes. Hurricanes are made of wind. I learned that when I was at the top of my class at Wharton,” Tump said as a breeze ambled by him and aides standing next to him.
White House Counsel Kellyanne Conway stood by the president as her eyes rolled back in her head and she slurred the words, “Oooh, that feels nice.”
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Trump cited theories espoused his “friend” and radio-show host Alex Jones, as well as his confidants in the conservative media, who say that one of the many reasons to continue belching emissions from fossil fuels into the atmosphere is that alternative energy sources are a conspiracy by the left to weaken the American infrastructure to make it easier for Islamist terrorists to replace the constitution with Sharia law. One way this is happening, they contend, is the powerful gusts created by the growing number of wind-energy turbines providing power.
“Powerful gusts become hurricanes, hurricanes distract people, and then the Muslims get ya’,” Jones said when reached for comment.
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What started out as a chat with reporters from various media outlets on his vision for tax reform turned inexplicably to the odd topic of his view of the cause and effect of hurricanes fueled by an over-reliance on wind energy.
“It’s very sad. It’s very bad. We’ve added 19 billion coal industry jobs just today for this very reason. We need to stop working with nature for fuel and go back to destroying it to make America great again. You know, for my base…I mean, working Americans. Of course, the fake news media–that’s all of you here except InfoWars, Breitbart, and Fox News–won’t report that. You’ve all been very unfair to me…very unfair. I know a lot–A LOT–about this stuff,” the president continued, “And you’ve been very, very unfair.”
Conway smirked, suddenly stood up straight, and began reciting a litany of studies conducted by the Sebastian Gorka Institute for Fake Academic Credentials In Various Fields. “Look, one of Mr. Gorka’s studies found that those spinning, white turbines taking over this country made a bad hurricane season worse, destroying the homes and lives of so Americans the president cares deeply about, That’s why he went to Puerto Rico and generously threw paper towels at those people. Those were paper towels he had one his assistants buy for him at Costco. But he gave them to Hispanics. But does CNN or MSNBC report that? Conway asked.
“Let’s break this down simply: he donated 6 rolls of paper towels to Puerto Ricans who’ve lost everything,’ Conway said, pulling a piece of notebook paper and a permanent marker out of her purse and scrawling the words “six paper towels” on it. “I don’t think Hillary or Obama ever did that, did they? No. But you just want to talk about Russia,” Conway said.
“When I was lobbing paper towels at those Mexicans, I could feel that even that was causing air to move…wind. So the wind turbines need to go before they blow us away,” Trump added as Conway stumbled and steadied herself by placing a hand on him. The President snatched his arm away, and Conway swayed to the side.
“See, this is what the people in Texas and Puerto Rico and wherever else had to deal with because of those hurricanes, thanks to wind turbines,” Trump said as Conway’s high heels sunk into the rain-soaked lawn beneath her and she fell to the side.
President Trump emitted a small chuckle and walked into the White House. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders helped Conway up and declined to take any more questions.
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“I think the President said all there is to say. You just don’t want to believe the truth, and there’s nothing more we can do about that. Wind is bad. We need coal jobs. Turbines equal hurricanes. Russia is a hoax. No one in this administration has ever had anything to do with any Russians. That’s all just a lot of hot air–hot air that adds to hurricane risk” Sanders said, her expression going from amused to angry. Her chunky statement jewelry jingled as she headed for the White House and yanked Conway along with her.
Conway giggled, Huackabee Sanders sighed, and the two eventually made it inside their destination.
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
