Dementia doesn’t have to be a downer–especially if you take the Donald Trump approach to living it!/Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, michaelheim.
Hello, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers! In this week’s Wellness column, we address an issue of great concern to the elder community and all those connected to them: dementia. We want to provide an alternative treatment model to that which you’re used to. Medication, rehabilitation, occupational therapy, family and social supports? Ha! How humiliating for us conservatives–and yet not nearly as humiliating as our new therapy itself! Below, we outline how to “Donald,” a la Donald Trump, your dementia.
But first, what is dementia? “A diagnosis of dementia requires that at least two core mental functions be impaired enough to interfere with daily living. They are: memory, language skills, ability to focus and pay attention, ability to reason and problem-solve, and visual perception,” according to the Mayo Clinic. Well, aside from visual perception, which only he and those very close to him would be aware of, we can’t think of one area that doesn’t apply to President Donald Trump, Can you, dear readers?
A Coterie of Cretins
The first step in eschewing valid medical treatments for your dementia in favor of this new approach, The Donald, is to ensure you have the proper support system in place. Most people, your loved ones, medical care providers, social workers, and other assorted trained professionals, will encourage you to pursue traditional treatments that will actually address your symptoms and help you manage them. Liberal snowflakes, all of them!
No, we GO HARD OR GO HOME! When dementia hits us conservatives, we hit back ten times harder, as White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said of President Trump’s approach to human interaction.
But you can’t do it alone, especially as your brain continues to atrophy. So find a group of idiots and/or misguided lunatics, and/or people who’ll do anything for money, to prop up and support your every, demented move. You need an army of explainers (like Kellyanne Conway), sycophants (like Vice President Mike Pence), and apologists (like John Kelly) to convince you that your deluded world, which you see because you’re not functioning at full brain capacity, is true.
Related: Our advice columnist tells you how to agree to disagree with liberals.
The Grandest Scale of All
Most people, as their emotional and cognitive abilities change, well, their lives take place on a more manageable scale. This generally means a smaller scale. This is the opposite of how to Donald your dementia.
When you take the Trumpian approach to “treating” your decreasing brain function, you inflict it on as many people as possible and on as grand a scale as possible.
And so, ideally, you get yourself elected the leader of a world superpower. You should be in charge of the biggest, most fearsome nuclear arsenal, which would make it hypothetically possible for you to destroy the Earth and all its inhabitants in response to the next misfiring of your cerebral synapses.
Why let someone else help you balance your checkbook, rollover your 401k, or put your will in order? When you Donald your dementia, you arrange it so that you’re in charge of the largest economy in the world, so that every reckless word out of your chapped lips causes world markets to fluctuate, affecting god-knows-how-many people from minute to minute!
You mustn’t seek to lessen the negative impact on your family and caregivers in this new approach to senility. You must claw and tear at the very social fabric around you. Some examples of what you can do in this new approach to mental decline are: sign executive orders delegitimizing the tenuous baby steps the transgender community had taken to ensure their own rights; make thousands of legal citizens, DACA recipients, fear for their futures by teasing them with deportation, then delaying a decision on how to punish them for being Hispanic in order to please your deplorable base of supporters; or announce that you prefer a child molester to a liberal Democrat in the Senate, indicating nothing–not even the daughter you claim to love–matters to you more than “winning.”
Must-Read: Learn how to host a “White Rice Matters” Alt-dinner party!
As you can see, the possibilities are endless!
The Family That Hates You Together, Stays Together
Normally, your loved ones–immediate and extended family, close friends, neighbors, even pets, might be involved in recognizing that you are exhibiting signs of dementia and then assisting you in getting proper treatment and managing your illness.
In the case of Donald Trump, apparently his family and friends, should he have any of the latter, don’t care about him enough to get him the care he needs. Instead, they leave him totally unmoored to flail around living out an embarrassing, cringe-worthy example of what happens when those around you need the money and power you can bring them more than they love you enough to get your medical care for an illness that can be devastating to dozens of people in most cases, the entire world in the case of those, like you, who should choose to Donald your dementia.
Sad? No, not sad. Proud, noble, dignified–almost, regal. This is who the Republican party (with notable exceptions being Sens. Bob. Corker and Jeff Flake, who have nothing to lose now in saying what all Repub pols are thinking, now that they’re not running for re-election), who also couldn’t care less about President Donald Trump, has chosen, multiple times a day, day after day, to declare their utmost confidence in and whom they want to lead their party forward, i.e., sideways and backwards, up and down.
Imagine that! Not only refusing care, as can be expected from people with a normal sense of pride and desire to self-direct their futures, but roping an entire political party into helping you make your illness as harmful to as many people as possible–repeatedly!
Instead of making what feel like choices that are too difficult, too sad, too painful, in the moment, the Trump family (aside from Barron) has chosen to do what your family will hopefully choose to do when you become demented. They’ve chosen to not only reject treatment, but to help The Donald exacerbate his illness. Then, they’ve chosen to help him punish an entire planet–a planet full of billions of sentient beings, a planet whose ecosystem was only just beginning to be given a respite from decades of plundering–with his ever-worsening mental decline.
If you think you or a loved one may have dementia, talk to your medical care provider today about The Donald treatment. Until next week, then, our hardline conservative readers! And remember, there is hope–but as things are going, very, very little of it.
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
