A spray tan of the right-wing, orange hue./Image credit: Themocracy.
This week in Spread Your Right Wings’ (SYRW) Wednesday Beauty column, our lovely, hate-filled readers, we’re going to explain why you simply must be spray-tanned into orange skin territory.
And the Blush of Your Cheek Whenever You Speak
So sang hippie, Commie crooner Bob Dylan, except he said whenever “I” speak.
We at SYRW are dedicated to helping you kill your soul to that extent that you can oppose higher tax rates so that society at large can benefit, support fewer rights for fewer people (except those who are similar to you or that your religious leaders tell you to value over others), contribute happily to murdering the natural environment for profit, and the rest of the conservative right-wing project.
Dear readers, we know this a process. We understand it takes time and a sustained commitment to evil. The most difficult things to stop or lessen are the physical manifestations of the shame you feel for being a bad person. One such bodily display is blushing. When we feel embarrassed or bashful, because we know we’re acting like horrible people, even when we’ve decided this is the spiritually bankrupt life path we want to take and we’re committed to, blood may still rush to your cheeks. This reddens them and shows everyone we know exactly what we’re doing and how awful we are. It’s impossible to stop it. But we can hide it!
So, the solution we offer you this week in SYRW Beauty? Spray tanning! If you have a synthetic color all over your body, you’ll look confident about and comfortable in your repugnant moral and ethical choices at all times. A false bluster and bravado, an obnoxious lack of humility, and an intellectually spurious conviction that there can be no other truth but the one you’ve convinced yourself of are all hallmarks of the conservative Alt-lifestyle. A uniform, orange skin tone can aid this immensely by masking shame-based cheek-reddening.
We can’t let some silly physical memento of our humanity stop us from all that, now can we! And being of orange skin can aid us–you!
Related: Get luscious lips for lying about the GOP tax scam!
Orange Racial Holy War–Onward, Ho!
If the skin all people of European ancestry is of an unnatural, flaming-sunset hue, then it won’t be apparent that there’s a great deal of variation in the skin tone of “white people,” owing in part to the fact that many of us have brown-ish African, olive-toned Jewish, reddish Native American genes, and countless other subtle genetic ethnic and racial nuances that show through on/in our skin . We can all be orange together and leave out the non-oranges!
It’s a new race–and a falsely pure one! Hooray!
Rally the Orange Troop Within Yourself
A spray tan can help us live a moralless life project by serving as a constant, faithful reminder for us to be as much like the man who is the orange-est and the most moralless: Donald J. Trump.. Unlike he, who has reached the highest levels of sociopathy the likes of which the rest of us may still find troubling or continue to have compunctions about, and we know there are such people among our dear SYRW readers, you may still balk at living some of the truly depraved aspects of an Alt-life.
We at SYRW understand this. We do. And we’re here for you. It takes a while before you can vanquish totally the goodness that you were born with and that you still have urges to let take over. It’s okay! You’ll get there, readers. You can always look to us for guidance, and here’s more of that.
Much like a religious amulet, a good luck talisman, or a dear relative’s jewelry, a spray tan can provide you with succor and support in times of need. When your innate conscience continues to gnaw at you, a physical reminder of what you “really” want, what you must continue to be devoted to, and what, for whatever reasons personally motivate you, you simply have to dedicate your life tp, all you have to do is look down at your tangerine-hued skin. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief when you remember, “That’s right! Oh, thank god! Now I remember why I’m doing this. Just like Donald Trump, I want devote myself to propping up my id and ego and satisfying the two over all else, particularly via a pursuit of financial gain above all else!” Give your skin a little rub.
Feel the orange. Feel it. It feels good, doesn’t it? That’s right. Yes, it’ll all be okay. It will. Go to sleep, dear conscience. Go to sleep…forever, underneath a blanket of orange, orange…so very orange skin.
Until next week, beautiful readers, go forth and be inner-hideous!
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
