Trump’s three “closest friends”: James Mattis, Rex Tillerson, John Kelly/Image: The Hill.
Hello, my lovelies It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, with some seriously juicy right-wing gossip for you. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
This Meeting Is Now Called to Disorder
My very-connected White House sources, Spread Your Right Wings readers, this week told me perhaps the juiciest gossip I have for you yet.! So, each day, the Thwarting Three, as WH staff calls them, ever since Sen. Bob Corker identified them as the trio of wet blankets standing between the country and a nuclear World War III–imagine how exciting it would be if we could play a real-life video game–have a secret meeting to start the day.
They discuss how to manage, which of course Alt-I take to mean how to revel in, publicize, and reward–the previous day’s presidential antics.
Their methods of handling Pres. Trump fall into three categories, my sources tell me, based on recurrent instances of Trump’s managerial prowess. He was a private businessman with his very own apartment made of gold and even a reality show, after all! So successful! But any gaffes he committed then, have taken on a lunatic extremity since he was elected president. And we right-wingers just love it, don’t we? The Thwarting Three, despite the fact that they’re admirably obsequious to Fearless Leader, feel they have to manage his letting loose every day with his bigotry, lack of knowledge about anything substantive, and cruelty. I’m totes sure this is because of the left-wing evildoers who are just everywhere, and especially the left-wing media! Believe me–as a gossip columnist, I know this industry. Anyway, back to my original story…
Category One: “No Means Ho”
This refers to has Donnie T. has implied has behaved in a prostitute-y way to get something from him, and how will these three Cabinet leaders address, if at all, his public complimenting of them as such.
A recent example is President Trump tweeting that Sen. Kristen Gillibrand would have done almost anything for a favor for him. And we Alt-smarties know exactly what that means when it comes to a woman’s behavior, don’t we?
Of course, why speak out against this deplorable behavior on Trump’s part, when you could just say nothing, keep your head down, and keep doing your job?!
Must-Read: See what our resident advice columnist says about raising kids among left-wingers.
Category Two: Kiss the Oranges
Now, this clearly reverent nickname given by the No-Nukes Triumvirate is for the cameras-allowed Cabinet meetings in which attendees go around the conference room table lavishing praise on President Trump. I know what you’re thinking: you want to be in one of those meetings to join them. As do I! There’s so much dish on my mind, I keep losing track! Such a scatterbrain I am, right?
How, Rexxon, Mattis, and Kelly, wonder, will they kiss his orange ass, each day? Oh, isn’t locker room talk fun!
Category Three: Trumpsplain
This is the Un-Holy Trinity’s nickname, I hear, for what The Donald’s wonderfully soulless handlers and cheerleaders must do. In the case of these three, they’re not absolutely horrible people like Donald himself. They have some native skills, work ethics, and desires to advance occasionally not-noxious life goals. But instead of aligning those qualities with an ethical, beneficial social campaign, they’ve chosen to be the equivalent of Nazi apologists.
And part of that regular self-debasing is deciding how to “Trumpsplain,” as they call it. How are we going to justify, today, the latest horrific Tweet, nasty attack, or unconscionable decision on Trump’s behalf?!
Talk about juicy drama!
Don’t Miss: The basics of making your home and Alt-sanctuary.
See ya’ next week, my lovelies! Until then, remember—you didn’t hear this from me!
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
