Climate-change-denial: together we can make it climate change-denial-acceptance!/Image: Licensed Dreamstime stock, Dave Bredeson.
Forget Gore, Read Gower!
To celebrate yesterday’s really great news that will bring us all closer to an environmental apocalypse that President Trump officially removed climate change from the list of National Security Concerns, according to Time.com, today in Readings we review, Sometimes I Feel Cold: Proof That Climate Change Isn’t Real (Sometimes). It’s a groundbreaking new book, and the sheer brilliance of the title is just a taste of the delicious repast of intelligence inside. It’s by Elina Gower, a no-name nothing in the scientific community. Gower’s is the latest book identified as complete inanity by the website desmogblog.com, which is dedicated to exposing global warming “misinformation” campaigns–or, our favorite place to go to see who are the very hot (pun INtended) , very “now” climate-change-deniers to prop up and follow.
We at Spread Your Right Wings encourage all you Alt-Readers out there, interested as you are in educating yourselves on what’s going down on your one and only home in the unforgiving, desolate galaxy called The Milky Way, to pick up of a copy of Gower’s book. In it, she does an intellectually spurious job of proving that climate change is a myth with embarrassingly bald-faced lies. Hence, we love it and are going to review her main points in the hopes that you’ll go out there and use them to spread the lies and idiocy as far and wide as possible!
First a little about Gower. She got her undergrad degree in Massaging the Truth to Confirm Your Intellectual Biases at Trump University through the Department of Dumb-Ass Studies (DDAS) .
“I was really drawn to the department, populated as it is by the leading figures in the DDAS department . They have a great program led by the leading nitwits in the field,” Gower told SYRW. She said she didn’t need any evidence to believe something, especially when it comes to climate change denial. As long as she can still go on living her life exactly as she was raised to believe is the right way to live it–well, enough said!
“The arguments advanced by the far right of the contemporary political spectrum are the easiest and most comfortable right now, and so I go with them,” Gower said. One day, Gower told us, as she busied herself with a life of wasting space post-undergrad–picking her cuticles, chewing gum slowly with her mouth open, and generally living life as a first-class moron, when she got a phone call. It was Professor Foss Il Fuel at the Institute for Short Life Span Technology. He asked her put her name on some trash between two hardcovers. Of course she wanted to do it and didn’t need to hear anymore!
“When Professor Fuel told me that he’d essentially tell me whatever I wanted to hear, I thought: yes. This is a guy I can get behind. And the fact that what I want is also what makes it A-OK to living a life of empty consumerism, treating the Earth as a combination toilet-wastebasket-doormat, and watching the global ecosystem perish–well, that’s just icing on the cake!” Gower said when we reached her for comment at her home in New Orleans, Louisiana.
“Run that by me again–I didn’t hear you just now, as there was too much water rushing by me with a marginalized community in it,” she yelled to us over the phone.
A Climate-Change-Denial How To
If you were thinking as you stretched, moaned, and blinked awake this morning that your next completely useless purchase in your throwaway Western lifestyle was a how to manual on wrongheaded thinking on climate change who not one single expert–people who’ve spent their entire lives studying the topic–yes, experts, unlike you–say about it, well look no further. This is it!
Let’s see how Gower establishes once and for all that the climate ain’t changing’!
Gower’s first flawless argument is that climate change simply isn’t happening. Nope. not happening. Just not happening. It isn’t a thing. Never mind the mountains of mountains of evidence gathered by super-qualified,, skilled, scientific minds over years and years and peer-reviewed, reassessed, and altered if facts require it and supported by every major scientific organization in the world. If we don’t want to believe something, we just don’t! So, that’s the first thing you apprise others of help them join our club of morons.
Related: Read another book review, this one of an equally ridiculous, idiotic piece of awesomeness.
If not enough people can get behind that, because it’s just ridiculous, you go to the next weapon in your denier’s arsenal. You admit climate change is happening, but you claim that humans are;t causing it. Ah! Sheer intellectual splendor! Yes! It’s simply an ecological seizure in the geologic record. Right–all of a sudden–just coincidentally falling in temporal line with industrialization and the use of fossil fuels, the Earth’s climate is morphing incredibly rapidly. But the burning of fossil fuels and factory farming have zero to do with it. Because, you know, you can mess with the incredibly fragile global ecosystem and it won’t do a thing! Sure! Who could argue with that?!
If you haven’t converted a liberal to climate-change-denier by this point, you go to the third point Gower makes in her book, related to the second. Yes, humans have turned the Earth into our species’ very own garbage can, you say. But, this has no effect on the environment. Need you go any further? No, we think not. Remember when Mt. Pinatubo erupted and spewed ash that blanketed most of Earth and global temperature trends changed completely? Well, stop remembering it, Gower argues, and you should argue that too!
If you have to go any further in your argument, the person you’re arguing with is a fool who doesn’t deserve to live. That’s actually not so bad, because we’re all going to die pretty soon because of climate change–which isn’t real–anyway!
What To Do Now
Uh, go out and by this book, obviously! It’s required reading. You must buy a hard copy at a brick-and-mortar bookstore, however. You’ll belch more toxins into the environment as you go, you’ll consume the book and all it took to make it, and then you’ll add to the landfills spilling over with waste with the packaging and bag!
A win-win! Thank you, Elina Gower–and SYRW readers! You deserve as much credit as the snake-oil salesman taking you for a ride, after all.
“Gower’s done the fossil fuel industry–and by extension the many others that depend on constantly belching carbon dioxide to keep the Capitalist machine chugging away–a big favor by agreeing to be the face of this book thrown together by a bunch of industry shills,” said Lump O. Coal. President of the Union of Unconcerned Business Leaders for Atmospheric CO2. Coal said Gower’s book would join the ranks of other travesties of the written word, illogical and unreasonable arguments, and non-belles lettres schlock that we at SYRW can’t get enough of in our ceaseless attempt at hands-on-hips, petulant insistence that climate change is a Left Wing conspiracy that we’re not going to have any part of!
At Decaying Barns and Not at All Noble Booksellers’ flagship store in New Orleans lambs lined up for their slaughter–er, we mean book enthusiasts lined up to get a signature from Gower in their copies of her towering achievement of literary, scientific, and onanistic, solipsistic non-skill.
“I don’t believe anything I read or see in the mainstream news media anymore,” said Dee Plorable, a New Orleans resident and right-wing enthusiast. It’s controlled by the Left, and besides, I like the worldview that getting all my news from social media allows me to adhere too.” Plorable says when she heard Gower was going to be at the Decaying Barnes and Not at All Noble she hopped in the canoe she uses to get around town now that most of it’s underwater at times because of rising sea levels caused by climate change. She then made her way to the store, with strokes as fast as she could make.
“I just kept saying to myself, ‘Must…believe…the right…must…believe…the right,” Plorable said. She said she’d never had much use for book learning or really any valid forms of education until she discovered the schlock turned out at impressive rates by “authors” Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, and other winners on the right-wing book scene.
Parting Shot
Before we wrap up this intellectually onerous feat called “This Article” we at SYRW must remind you of something, the only way for this entire losing-at-life project known as current right-wing “thinking” to go on and on until we die of stupidity. When you read this book and feel your eyelid twitch, or your calf muscle contort, or your lower lip droop: ignore it. That’s reality trying to wake you up. Kill the instinct to heed it’s call. You must never–and we mean never–thinking anything but that which feels, in the here and now, good, i.e., whatever polishes your gargantuan ego. Why you–indeed, any of us–have this colossally confounded self-images, well, that’s a story for another day. Pay it no mind. And whatever you do do not, under any circumstances, no matter what believe that anything but climate-change-denial is the way to go as you Live Your Worst Alt-Life™, as we say here at SYRW.
When you’re attending the funeral of the human species and pretty much every other one and that of the Earth, that’s time to cry. How did it all go wrong? Where did you take a wrong turn? What would you give to go back and do it all so differently? Those are things that people with an ounce of dignity called grown-ups do. You, on the other hand, are the gigantic baby known as an inhabitant of the right wing of the contemporary political spectrum. You’ll continue, we hope, despite everything in your being telling you should listen to the adults in the situation who are all trying to tell you that your home is burning down and you must.get.out.now, must continue to “deny climate change,” as if it’s just a matter opinion. It absolutely isn’t. But you’re a conservative! When your leaders told you to hate gay people…well, you went out and hated them, didn’t you? When your peers call Communists “The Red Menace,” well then you went and did it too, didn’t you? And when this information cesspool called the Internet came about, well you went and just believed what the numskulls called right-wing media personalities uploaded onto it, didn’t you?
Similarly, then, you must at all costs continue to believe that climate change isn’t real and that’s even a matter of maybe-you-will-maybe-you-wom’t at all.. We at SYRW are pretty sure we didn’t need to tell you to fight your mind, your ego, and your soul screaming for you to pay attention because our–oops, sorry all that matters is YOUR–only planetary digs is dying right in front of you and you have the power to stop it. But we did, just in case.
Have a great day, right-wing readers. It might be your last, but oh, well!
Must-Read: An at-home project to install a little piece the border-wall-to-come at your home.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
