Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin./Image Credit: cnn.com
In an unprecedented, even perplexing, move, Donald Trump’s Treasury Secretary Steve Munchin moved to “officially” change the phrase “Goobye” to “Goodbuy.”
Mnuchin cited a benefit to the country’s trillion-dollar economy as the motivator behind his action in a sphere–the historically ungovernable terrain of American English usage and style–never before entered into by someone in his position.
“Americans need to remember to consume, to be acquisitive, and keep up with the Joneses. It’s important for the economy. Each human interaction we have will now end with a reminder to all parties that spending and buying are our be all and end all,” Mnuchin said reading from a prepared statement in the White House briefing room in a press conference about the suggested language-related measure.
Mnuchin demurred when asked how this sweeping alteration of the American English tongue would occur, given that the United States has no official, let alone government-backed, arbiter of the language as say, L’academie Francaise in France. That body is a hundreds-year-old one that decrees what is and isn’t French.
“We’re not sure how this will happen, but we’re excited to act to further drill into citizens’ heads that being American is all about consumption. Ideally, people would be required to say GoodbuyTrumpMerchandise, but that might sound like we’re encouraging an abandonment of the finest retail goods around, those of Donald Trump,” Mnuchin said.
Flabbergasted reporters barraged the eager but bewildered Mnuchin about this announcement.
Why is he, a financial “expert” inserting himself into the traditionally lawless domain of American English usage? Isn’t the Trump administration, in general, taking unprecedented steps to dismantle what it calls “The Deep State,” the bureaucracy it perceives and inveighs against as byzantine and repressive to citizen autonomy? Aren’t there other concerns the Treasury Secretary should be addressing What the f–k?
The last question visibly perked up Mnuchin, who quipped, “I think you mean, ‘What the buck.”
Random House, Webster’s, and other publishers of American dictionaries were perplexed by Mnuchin’s “bye-to-buy” proposal.
“Contrary to what many Americans think, we lexicographers don’t decide what counts as and what doesn’t count as American English. We look to usage to determine changes to and inclusions in each iteration of our dictionaries,” said Andrew Feinberg, Editor in Chief of the American Heritage Dictionary, published by Webster’s and the most widely-read guide in the country.
Mnuchin’s wife, Louise Linton, made headlines recently when she posted to social media comments mocking a follower for her lesser net worth and boasting about high-flying purchases she made, including trips in private airplanes.
“We’re excited to intrude into the lives of Americans and violate established protocol, as always, and of course, create jobs by encouraging consumer behavior,” said the White House when reached for comment. “We support small government and abolishing government handouts and meddling–unless it could benefit the Trump family business…excuse us, the American people.”
Amidst immediate backlash to Mnuchin’s announcement, Trump took to Twitter to respond, “The fake news media is being very unfair to me about a proposal to fix the language. I know more than any president about business and also wordz, which high-ratings Munchin is fixing. Sad!!!! What about Hillary’s emails, the Ukraine Uranium deal? Very sad and corrupt!!! NFL players must stop disrespecting our country!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2017 Akbar Khan
