A warm winter stew, for a right wing nut job like you;/Image Credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, by HLPhoto.
Mmm, Mmm!
It’s that time of year again, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, the time when it’s supposed to be cold, but it isn’t really that cold because of climate change, which of course isn’t caused by “man,” so we don’t have to change our destructive ways.
Anyway, it’s mildly cold, not bitterly so, thanks to the meteorological improvements we can thank global warming for–which of course, oddly, doesn’t exist. Doesn’t the slightly brisk weather make you just want to curl up on your couch in your McMansion, wrap yourself in a chenille throw made by underpaid South American textile works, open a shoddily-researched, appallingly-badly-written Ann Coulter classic in your lap, and a steaming bowl of a comforting winter stew beside you?
Well, as always, SYRW is here to provide you with confirmation bias by reading content that you already agree with—and a recipe, to boot, as this is our weekly food column!
We’re going to make some Right Wing Ratatouille this week.
We’d like to thank our enemies at Epicurious for the delish recipe we based ours on. They’re our enemies, because, well, they just seem liberal, don’t they? But we thank them anyway–reluctantly.
Ingredients
- 1 onion, sliced thin—thin like a woman’s ideal figure.
- 2 garlic cloves, minced—unlike the hateful words we scream at Alt-Right rallies.
- 5 tablespoons olive oil—made from olives grown and harvested not in Italy, because Italians are swarthy and not Aryan enough. Also, make sure wherever the olive oil is from, it’s grown with the most destructive farming practices possible.
- A 3/4-pound eggplant, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (about 3 cups)—cut like President Trump’s “Cut, Cut, Cut Tax Bill!”
- 1 small zucchini, scrubbed, quartered lengthwise, and cut into thin slices—quartered like we could draw and quarter people we disagreed with in the wonderful days of medieval fascism.
- 1 red bell pepper, chopped—red because it’s the color of Republicans!
- 3/4 pound small ripe tomatoes, chopped coarse (about 1 1/4 cups)—coarse, like our national discourse, particularly in our media.
- 1/4 teaspoon dried oregano, crumbled—crumbled like the crumbling democratic institutions under President Trump, ones that made the United States a beautiful ongoing experiment in democratic government, but now are a joke.
- 1/4 teaspoon dried thyme, crumbled—again, crumbled like the crumbling democratic institutions under President Trump, ones that made the United States a beautiful ongoing experiment in democratic government, but now are a joke.
- 1/8 teaspoon ground coriander—because the liberal media says we’ll have to start from the ground-up to rebuild the nation after they find some ridiculous reason like obvious collusion with a foreign adversary to win an election to get rid of The Donald.
- 1/4 teaspoon fennel seeds—after all, seeds of faux-disenfranchisement by those who were accustomed to being in power and in control are what started the Alt-Right grass-roots movement.
- 3/4 teaspoon salt—make that a whole teaspoon, so you have some to throw in the wound of minority groups being vilified and demonized under the Sessions Justice Department!
- 1/2 cup shredded fresh basil leaves—and shred the Bill of Rights while you’re at it, except for the Second Amendment.
PREPARATION
“In a large skillet cook the onion and the garlic in 2 tablespoons of the oil over moderately low heat, stirring occasionally, until the onion is softened. Add the remaining 3 tablespoons oil and heat it over moderately high heat until it is hot but not smoking,” according to Epicurious. That’s not smoking like the smoking guns that keep popping up in the revelations about Trump’s collusion with Russia, but that the right wing media, like us at SYRW, label “fake news.”
“Add the eggplant and cook the mixture, stirring occasionally, for 8 minutes, or until the eggplant is softened. Stir in the zucchini and the bell pepper and cook the mixture over the moderate heat, stirring occasionally, for 12 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes and cook the mixture, stirring occasionally, for 5 to 7 minutes, or until the vegetables are tender. Stir in the oregano, the thyme, the coriander, the fennel seeds, the salt, and pepper to taste and cook the mixture, stirring, for 1 minute. Stir in the basil and combine the mixture well,” writes Epicurious. You, SYRW readers, should be experts at stirring by now, as we just love to stir the pot of national discord and disunity, don’t we, right wingers?
The ratatouille may be made 1 day in advance, kept covered and chilled, and reheated before serving. But you should eat a bowl while reading that Ann Coulter garbage—er, classic—wrapped in that chenille throw made by underpaid South American textile workers.
Relish that first yummy bite, thinking of all the people conservative economic policy has made unable to afford food like this stew, and thank the man upstairs you’re not one of them!
Again, thanks to the writers at Epicurious for this yummy recipe, even though we can sense we’d shun them for being liberal if we knew them in person!
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
