Find out if you’re mind is turning to liberal mush!/mage Credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, Glenda Powers.
The scourge known as liberalism can now chalk up to its shining accomplishments–along with huge strides in civil rights for all, advances in responsible environmental stewardship, and providing social safety nets a la a socialist model for living that values the dignity of all life–being responsible for a newly identified DISEASE! What is next for these monsters?!
You or someone you love may be struggling with this newly identified malady that researchers released a paper about in this month in the American Journal of Reactionary Medicine. We’ve analyzed their disturbing findings, summarized the condition below, and even provided a symptoms checklist, so you can see if you or a loved one is at risk. Then you can talk to your hard-right Republican health care provider about treatment options.
What It Is
Alt-zheimer’s Disease is a neurodegenerative condition that can affect pretty much any conservative out there. The left-wing has been secretly injecting our food supply with a molecule they developed that, when ingested over and over, makes it’s way to the sufferer’s brain. There, it causes a host of symptoms, primarily involving distorted, left-leaning thinking and hallucinations, including an abandonment of the capitalist model of existence in which the self, ego, and propping them up are the raison d’être; a rejection of the false, libertarian, “personal accountability” narrative as the basis for a political and economic philosophy; and, I’m sorry to tell you this, my darling readers,, the consumption intelligent, fact-checked journalism; rational, books vetted by reputable, educated editors containing logically sound and thoughtful arguments, and an acceptance that being educated and well-read,–not loud and willing to appeal to humanity’s basest instincts and fears, give a person authority. It’s scary stuff, even for boot-strap pulling gun-wielding folks like us!
A Symptoms Checklist to Determine if You Are at Risk
1.. Dementia Reportoria: Do you find yourself wanting to turn off Fox News or Sinclair-owned local news shows and instead listen to NPR or watch MSNBC, thinking Fox’s flashy graphics and sensationalist headlines are a manipulative game and not any sort of way to get valid reports of world events?
2. Do you have pangs of compassion and a desire to see your community as a whole, even the entire population of Earth–the Earth itself and all creatures on it, for that matter–succeed and thrive, rather than only you and your narrowly-identified tribe?
3. Do you find yourself wanting to fight for government-funded programs that require admittedly robust taxation but then lead to fulfillment and happiness for huge swaths of society a la the examples set by Sweden, Costa Rica, and Singapore, which researchers have identified as the happiest nations on Earth, all using variations on a common theme of people-centric living?
4. Do you think the Deep State is a ridiculous, if deviously clever, term for the social safety net most developed nations have put in place leading to more and more egalitarian societies where people are healthy, happy, and fulfilled, a determination based on solid, reliable research?
5. Do you wake up in the middle of the night, go to your gun collection, and slowly, gently pick one up, stare at it, turning it over in your hands, and think, “I should turn this into the police, because the U.S. has the highest number of guns owners and mass shootings, and the two are inextricably linked. I don’t need this thing!”
6. When you pass an African-American on the street, do you want to make eye contact and smile instead of crossing to the other side and clutching your pocketbook or wallet?
7. Do you want to want to open your front door and scream to the world, “It’s okay to be gay! I might even be gay myself!”
8. Do you feel like your knees might buckle under you when you’re standing in line at an iteration of the capitalist temple known as “the retail store,” watching people–yourself included–consume, consume, consume items made of, packaged in, and then placed in bags made out of, precious natural resources, items they and you might not even need?
9. Do you bolt up in bed at night, puddles of perspiration around you and barely able to breathe, because the thought occurred to you that calling feelings and thoughts like those above “elitist” is a disingenuous and typically intellectually unscrupulous way for the right to appeal to the feelings of disenfranchisement the very social order it promotes created?
10, Does a shiver run down your spine every time you hear about Steve Bannon or President Donald Trump’s attempt to foment societal chaos rather than advance the cause of collective progress?
If you answered, “Gulp–yes,” to 5 or more of these questions, you may be suffering from Alt-Zheimers. But there is hope–and help–out there. You don’t have to be alone or feel hopeless anymore. Other people–good, conservative just folks out there just like you–are suffering from Alt-zheimer’s, too. And there are groundbreaking medical interventions available that can return you to right-wing robustness again, making you feel all warm, fuzzy, and hateful inside. Talk to your doctor about treatment options today.
Oh, And be ready to pay out of pocket for them, unless you want to act like someone who expects Big Government/The Deep State to take care of all your problems for you!
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
