Steve Bannon, Alt-Right dermatological hero. Image courtesy of Business Insider.
We in the Beauty Department of Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) know you Alt-Right readers have been watching someone with envy, as we have: Steve K. Bannon. Because of his skin! How he remains in such stressful jobs–ex-adviser to President Trump, editor at Breitbart–with that amazing skin has fascinated us since his stunning mug came on the national scene. We sat down with Beautiful Bannon to ask him about his daily skin care routine.
SYRW: Thank you Mr. Bannon for talking with us, despite your busy schedule. Walk us through your skin care regimen, starting with the morning.
Bannon: My what?
SYRW: I apologize, I wasn’t clear. What skin care products–a soap? a creme?–do you use after getting up in the morning upon waking, on the skin on top of the muscles on your face?
Bannon: I stand up, put on whatever clothes are on my floor, and I wipe the oil and saliva off my face with my shirt.
SYRW: Oh…uh…Fun! Can you describe your skin-care philosophy in one sentence.
Bannon: I don’t really care about anything except fomenting political and social chaos, making money, and consolidating power in the man you see in front of you.
SYRW: Great! Who are your skincare idols? Who do you look to for inspiration on your, unorthodox, shall we say, dermis?
Bannon: Napoleon, Hitler, and Nixon.
SYRW: How do you nourish and look after your skin on a daily basis?
Bannon: I spend most days from the early morning until late at night in an office with strong, fluorescent lighting. My assistant gets me fast food when I’m hungry. I take a bunch of cigarette breaks. I drink 3 martinis to get to sleep.
SYRW: And your skin texture, which some have described as “blotchy and pockmarked,” but we at HTAW call “experienced and textured?”
Bannon: I’m seeing a doc about it next week. He didn’t sound optimistic. He’s Pakistani–they’re all terrorists and should be deported, but they know their medicine.
SYRW: What are the three skincare must-haves in your briefcase right now?
Bannon: A used tissue from a couple years ago, a piece of the same tissue, and another piece of it. That’s three.
SYRW: I see. Can you give our readers any other tips on nourishing their Alt-Right skin?
Bannon: Feel as much anger and hate as you can. It’ll show through. Don’t go in the sun, so you’ll be as white as possible, but also because Jews put the sun in the sky to burn the skin of the pure Anglo-Saxon. Be a political opportunist with zero principles or compunctions. Your skin will die, just like your heart.
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
