There’s a new dating app aimed at conservatives, and you must try!/Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, Di Studio.
Love Means Never Having to Say, “I’m Compassionate”
Hey, there, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? Did you know one in four relationships starts out online these days. Well, that statistic is true even for we who are superior to all the liberal or middle-of-the-road-politcally riff-raff! No, really! Previously, the only statistic we had on love in the right wing world was that 50 percent of its marriages between a man and woman break up because of something that happened in a men’s bathroom.
Now, we who enjoy teeny, tiny government, and big, huge guns having a dating app for us too! It’s called “Dividr” and you can download it for your Apple or Android device. It’ll have you spreading your….well, you know where we were going with that.
So Easy to Use
Dividr uses a cutting-edge technology developed by Guccifer 2.0, the same people who brought you President Donald Trump via Russian meddling in our elections and funded by the sexy-as-hell Koch brothers, with a little help from that flame-haired beauty, Rebecca Mercer. The new technology is called PPS, Political Positioning Satellite. The GPS technology used by dating apps like Grindr and Tinder was developed by–oh, God, it hurts to write it–a Pakistani. But not PPS, which is all Russian in origin.
PPS tells you all the hard right conservatives also using Dividr within a radius range you can specify who are also looking for love. In this day and age, when we conservatives are so disenfranchised, just looking for a little human connection while espousing retrograde social and economic policy can be a struggle, right? And it’s a struggle on par with that the left would have you believe is experienced by the “real” “marginalized groups.”
Hold Me Close, Tiny Hater
When you find someone you like using PPS who’s nearby, you simply swipe–which way, readers?–yes, that’s right, swipe RIGHT on your mobile device–to indicate you want to further interact with that conservative cutie nearby. And then simply run into the street your arms outstretched, yelling, “Of course I need your love–it’s a soul I lack, not a heart!” and you and your new hateful honey will find each other.
Divisive Gamechanger
Don’t take our word for it, SYRW readers. And know that we’re not affiliated with this app in any way–except we own it outright. But we righties love conflicts of interest, don’t we? That’s why we love and support Donald Trump and family wearing MAGA merch at any opportunity and selling it on his website too. That, even though it’s overpriced low-quality junk!
Anyhow, back to e-love connections on Dividr. Here are some reviews from a few of the many users who’ve found lasting love using Dividr.
“I had pretty much given up on love. I was so busy doing all I could to further marginalize aleady disenfranchised groups, I had no energy for going out and meeting my Alt-Adonis at the end of the day. Withing two days of downloading the Dividr app, I met the man I would later marry!” said Janelle.
“Drug overdoses, unemployment, feeling like a minority in terms of numbers–now that it’s happening to white people, as a white man, I really care. And so does the gorgeous gal with a swastika tattooed on her wrist. Now we hate and wish to oppress others together, as foreplay, in fact,” said Heinrich.
“I’m in my 60s, and I voted for Trump. I am retired, and I don’t know where I would have met an eligible bachelor if it hadn’t been for Dividr. I swiped right, he swiped his credit card at a fancy dinner, and I was his,” said Carroll.
“I have too much Fox News to watch and too many InfoWars articles to print out for my family and friends! I needed a quick, simple, and easy way to meet Mrs. Right-Wing. Thanks to Dividr, I did!” said Chuck.
“Being a Milleniall, it’s not easy to meet people with values more associated with the 1920s. Dvidr helpe me do just that,” mused Claire.
Why It Works So Well
Well, pretty much all of life takes place in digital spaces these days, right SYRW readers?
But the superficial way you get to know people based on their 50-word profile, the immediate requirement to swipe left or right, and the focus on profile pics are all perfect for the Alt-community, we think.
After all, prioritizing surface instead of substance, instant gratification, and a valuing of looks first and foremost are three things a certain someone you may know the name of does oh-so-well, and thus we should, too. President Donald J. Trump, of course. So download Dividr today, and meet your soulmate while killing time in traffic, in line at the grocery store, or even while doing your business on the can!
Good luck, SYRW readers!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2017 Akbar Khan
