Food: Alt-Right Snacks for Your Next Protest

Alt-Right protests require good nutrition./Image credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, chombosan.

There are lots of marches, protests, and rallies coming up for white Americans ready to take this country back from immigrants and Muslims. That requires energy, which, of course comes from food. Here are some suggestions for the next time you attend an event helping take back of our homeland, Alt-Right-ers! HTAW’s resident nutritionist Alison Van Derhozen compiled this handy list of ways to nourish your body and mind as you take to the streets for the cause of white domination.

1. Glug, Glug

3. Stay hydrated–but not with water. As Alex Jones reported, the gays are putting homosexual GMOs in the national water supply. Obviously, you can’t be drinking that! And besides, what better way to support our farmer brothers in our suposedly-populist insurrection than to drink milk, which is, of course white, like us.

Food That Is White–and Easily Portable

1. Put some yogurt-covered raisins in a baggie for when you get snackish from screaming that “Jews will not replace us.” This delicious snack will raise your blood sugar (sugar is white too, remember), and be a symbolic reminder that the European race will smother the brown, lumpy hordes.
3. Our Viking ancestors favored the herring native to our Scandinavian homeland’s waters, so throw some in between two slices of the whitest bread you can find, neatly pack it in your Violent Protest Kit, sling that bad boy over your shoulders, and get ready to oppress!
5. For the Anglo-Saxon champs in our mishmash of white-is-right ancestral heritage, bangers and mash or haggis tossed into a food container and sealed properly, with a white plastic utensil to make sure you stay a neat and tidy bigot, are great sources of nutrition when you need to take an Alt-Righ break at an upcoming event. Always remember to include a white napkin in your protest essentials pack, too!

Black to White

1. Sadly, many sources of quick energy, like coffee and tea, are not only brown or black in color, but sourced from materials in Africa, a color and a place we don’t support. That’s where creamer comes in! Fill a thermos with black coffee or tea–ok, calm down there for a second–then dump as much white sugar and powdered creamer into it as possible. Energy up, lovely color-related symbolism, again.

Mixed and Salted

1. Nuts! That’s something that we members of the Alt-Right are: totally nuts. They’re also a quick, highly portable source of protein for when you’re feeling depleted by the Mexicans trying to marginalize us and need a boost to tell them we’re taking back what’s ours–this country.

Now You Try

1. Get creative! What yummy white snacks can you think of? Ask yourself not WWJD, but WWWE, What Would Whites Eat? Include that in your kit and you’ll have all the energy you need to let the world know we’re well-equipped to make white America not hungry and great again. Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian late in his life. Why not honor him with a veggie sandwich to-go? Lettuce, tomato, vegan cheese, and mayo between, of course, two slices of your favorite white.

As Much What You Don’t Eat as What You Do Eat

1. What NOT to take: anything the Red Indian introduced to our innocent, unsuspecting Mayflower ancestors, like the glorious Miles Standish. Those red-browns wanted to bring us down by introducing us to corn, which is, like, impossible to digest and gives many Alt-Righters digestive hardship in addition to all the other hardships we have to endure as masters of both the European and, soon, again, American continents. See a list of foodstuffs the so-called Native Americans tried to poison us with…well, at any Thanksgiving elementary school play. It includes items such as maize and pumpkin. And then take a moment to revel in the fact that white Europeans essentially perpetrated an all-too-often unsung genocide when we took this land for our own through war, but also through ingenious means like the introduction of syphilis and alcoholism to those our ancestors were unfortunate enough to encounter here.

No, let’s make a proud moment for us, like Charlottesville,  happen again!

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© 2017 Akbar Khan