Your home must reflect your right-wing values./Image: today.com.
For our inaugural post here in the Home Department of Spread Your Right Wings, we’d like to review with you, our angry, entitled readers, the five things your home must contain to ensure that it is a place that is a safe haven (NOT a safe space) for your political leanings to find succor and your backward values to seek reinforcement.
1 Fifty Bullets In Your Head
Remember that little ditty we said as kids, while pointing our hands shaped into a gun, at a playmate: “Bang, bang, you’re dead/50 bullets in your head?” Oh, what a harbinger of our lives it would be, right-wing readers!
The centerpiece of your place of residence must be: a gun. We’re not hiding anymore: there will be no guns with their safeties in place, nor will any gun be placed in any safe. No, you place your biggest, baddest firearm, loaded, on your living room coffee table. Each time there is a mass shooting, you add a bullet and say out loud to remind yourself and anyone in earshot, the brilliant words, “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”
Related: Learn about the right-wing origin of some of the most popular yoga asanas.
2 McWarm and McCozy
The coastal, liberal, urban elites have given the suburban, pre-fab mansion, as you know, a nickname they intended to be derisive: the McMansion. Why should we not revel in our cookie cutter abodes? We should celebrate them for the unnecessary amount of space their over-manicured lawns take and the resource-guzzling required to maintain them. As in the picture above, keep all the lights on at home. Always. Warm weather is more pleasant, so all lights on and your thermostat set at an unnecessarily warm setting will help you advance climate change, even though it’s a left-wing hoax, or if it is happening it’s not the result of anything humans are doing..
3 Such Ugly Values
Few know that the acronym SUV actually stands for two things: Sports Utility Vehicle, sure, but also Such Ugly Values, which you proudly have. So there must be an SUV–made in America, of course, unless another suits you–in which case we’ll help you come up with a way to deal with the cognitive dissonance of owning a foreign-made gas-guzzler while loudly proclaiming in your everyday life that people should be buying American. Park your SUV, which silently proclaims your belief that it, as an extension of you, are important and big, and you won’t be ignored, You’re going to take up space with your physical presence and noxious core values.
And:: Join the Wear a Fez for Devin Nunes movement–he needs us right now!
4 Home Is Where the Shriveled Up Heart Is
Because your home must be a sanctuary for you, it needs to say who is and isn’t welcome. Just as the Statue of Liberty originally did, before liberals demanded it was changed. Get a welcome mat, and underneath the “welcome,” stencil in the following, one on top of the other, “whites,” “straight people,” “Christians,” “the cis-gendered,” “the 1%,,” “anti-choice-ers,” “Trump loyalists,” “fiscal conservatives,” “CEOs,” “anti-social-safety net-ers,” Add any more identifiers you can think of, using more mats if need be. The important thing is to make known that the narrowest category possible of people are welcome in your home. Our tribe only.
5 Chemicals are Conservative
To truly be as diseased as your political thinking, your home must be bathed in as many man-made chemicals as possible. Keep all your upholstery fresh by inviting its manufacturers over every six months to spray it with the chemicals it came doused in but that naturally degrade over time,
No green living here! The food in your fridge must be laden with as many non-Earth sourced chemical compounds as possible. Of course, their ingredients simply must be harvested through unfair trade practices.
Hang up your non-green dry-cleaning out of its plastic covering in a common area, allowing the chemicals used to launder it to infiltrate your home as thoroughly as possible.
The best way to increase the chemical load in your home is through the use of toxic household cleaners. Saturate the place with bleach, ammonia, phthalates, and any other substances that will make you sick and also give it that sanitized, unnatural, suburban look you’re going for.
Also: We review How I Lost My Soul: the Later Life of Jeanine Pirro.
Now curl up on your couch with a glass of wine to make you feel okay about your poisonous life and a chenille throw from Restoration Hardware and take a big, big gulp of that vino. You’re gonna need it!
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
