See how many diseases there are that need attention right this minute?/Image credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, freshidea.
Hey, all you arch-conservatives struggling with one or more health issues! It’s me, Dr. Lorna Ingleside, with your latest installment of Spread Your Right Wing‘s weekly health column.
A Facile Notion of “Equality” Is the Best!
Today’s topic is one near and dear to my heart, a more general one, if you will, than my columns about specific conditions affecting the Alt-Right community.
We on the right wing have shown why the Black Lives Matter movement is invalid and morally repellent using three single words. “All. Lives. Matter.” Our opponents say, “Yes, that’s true, inherently. But right now black people are being shot in the street over and over, so we’re calling attention to that. Also, it’s never in question that most other lives matter. To say ‘black lives matter’ is not to say that others don’t. We don’t say All Lives Matter, because that’s an inherent part of the progressive approach.” Of course, we know they are just on a mission to get “special rights,” like having the dignity and sanctity of their lives recognized and securing the same rights all Americans, even all humans, are entitled to, right, right-wingers?
Well, I’m going to propose a new movement to you based on the wonderfully compassionate, not-at-all stupid, and so not willfully blind to reality movement known as All Lives Matter. After all we on the right have to be the defenders of awareness of the struggle of all people, as we’ve historically been.!
Let me tell you a brief story to illustrate the premise behind it. I came upon a friend outside my office (where I practice Internal Medicine, as most of you readers will know). She was wearing a pink ribbon pin. I asked her what it represented.
“Oh, this is to support breast cancer awareness,” she said.
“Yes, but what about All Disease Awareness? After all, all diseases matter!” I responded
This friend isn’t the brightest tool in the shed, readers, and didn’t get my totally, logically cogent argument, made an excuse, and scurried off.
To Focus On One Is to Delegitimize All Others–I Think That’s What I’m Saying. Smart!
But I’m right, no? All Diseases DO Matter. So to call attention to one just because inordinate amounts of people die from it as compared to other diseases and because pretty much everyone assumes that we need to have an awareness of diseases in general. Well, that calling of attention to is UNFAIR. Harrumph! And if it’s one thing we on the right care about, it’s fairness. And when it’s ourselves and our ilk we feel aren’t being granted that fairness, that’s when, and only when, we speak out. It’s not the fault of the sufferers of the much more rare cancer, Hairy Cell Leukemia, that a lot more people die of breast cancer. Both diseases deserve the exact amount of attention and money toward research on them!
What to Do as a Member of My Brilliant New Movement
So from now on, when someone tells you, “I’m crying because my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis,” you respond by saying, “Yeah, well, there are lots of people suffering from other kinds of demyelinating diseases of both the central and peripheral nervous system, so I hope you’re crying for them too. If you’re not, then that’s not fair to people with those diseases and you’re a bad person.”
If you see someone outside the grocery store with a collection box raising money for Suicide Prevention during Mental Health Awareness Week, because suicides are at an all-time high, you just flap your little right wings up to them and boldly state, “I can’t give you a donation unless I can also give the same amount to every other disease in all eight other generally acknowledged disease categories as outlined in most first year medical school curricula. Sorry!”
And, when you see someone take a medication for a condition they have, you just go ahead and reach out and stop them from putting that pill in his mouth. You tell him that he has to take also one pill of each of the 79,451 pharmaceuticals on the U.S. market (the only one we care about, obviously) for every disease condition out identified. It would be the only logically consistent, moral thing to do! And again, that’s what we on the right are primarily concerned with.
No, go forth and be entitled and lacking compassion. We’re alt-right and we need to look out for our health and pursue our own wellness, to make sure its All-Right! It’s all about Me, Me, Me and My, My, My wellbeing!
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
