Ainsley Earhardt, Martha McCallum, and Megyn Kelly, clockwise from left. Image Courtesy of Shawn Brady.
Hey, all you left-hating ladies out there–it’s time to learn to give yourself a Fox News Reporter makeover.
If you’re bummed that you look like a normal human being, one whose look doesn’t simultaneously infantilize women and sexualize children, be bummed no longer. If you’re tired of the drab, dull look of someone who reports events as they actually happen, didn’t drop out of Florida State after two years, and is compassionate and thoughtful, your suffering ends today. If you do this makeover right, you might even be able to land yourself a Bill O’Reilly or a Roger Ailes of your own, ladies. You’re going to go from NPR to Fox News in 10 simple steps! Let’s get to work, Right Wing Beauties!
Ready to Wear and Go to Cultural War
Wear only sleeveless dresses, regardless of the weather or event.
Book yourself a spray tan now. Perhaps the most important part of your new look is a perpetual orange spray tan. The less “real” (i.e., “serious print news journalist-esque”) it looks, the better. And, hello! This is what our prophet Donald Trump has, so it’ll be a way to feel close to him at ALL times!
Regardless of your natural size, you’ll need breast implants. There’s no such thing as too that are too big, and the girls must always be pushed as high as possible and spilling forward as much as possible. After all, do you want men to look you in the eye or in the boob?
Hair, Skin, and Nails–No More Epic Fails!
If your hair is darker than yellow-blond, no wonder you’re so unattractive and such a Mainstream Media Basic Bitch. Bleach it NOW!
Bare skin reeks of self-confidence and not having a desperate need for attention and acceptance from men. Every inch of your face must be perpetually dripping in makeup.
Is it cold outside? Too bad! You will always, always have bare legs from now on too.
Alt-Accessories
Book an appointment at the nearest strip mall nail salon now. Ask for a full set of acrylic nails with French tips.
If you even say the words “comfortable flats,” you’re beyond hope. All your shoes must be 3-inch-minimum stilettos. You will never not be in them, including in bed. In fact, the O’Reilly/Ailes hunk you obviously want to land likes high heels in bed more than anywhere else.
The one place you want to be–oh, it hurts to even write the word–understated and not-over-the-top is in your choice of earrings. You should wear small baubles on your Alt-ears. However, they must be shiny. Men, much like babies, like shiny things.
Teeth, like good people, must be blindingly white.
Well, ladies, you’re welcome in advance! We’d love to see your before and after pics, when you go from broadcast to conservative-cable at last!
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
