Dating is such right-wing fun, no?/Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, Alfra.
Dear Dr. MacEnnaknee,
I’m an eager but new convert to the Alt-Right lifestyle. I have a crush an a shaved-heard. muscle-bound white supremacist hottie named Lance–think Alt-Right hero Christopher Cantwell, but scarier. I’ve invited him over to my apartment for a romantic, racist dinner for two hateful souls, drawn together by our shared vision for a return to the KKK glory days of yesteryear. How should I set this meeting up so we’ll be on the way to our right-wing nut job (RWNJ) happily ever after?
Excited in Evanston.
Dear Excited,
It’s great to hear the Alt-Right movement is helping lonely bigots find the love they deserve! Here are some tips on setting the perfect scene for a neo-con love connection.
Fire and Brimstone
- Get some cheap tiki torches from Homeland Depot. Flank your dinner table with them, lighting them to create the perfect, creepy scene, reminiscent of a Nazi rally in 1930s Germany. Makes you want to get frisky just thinking about it, doesn’t it?
Get Lit
- Encourage imbibing. You’ll need a good social lubricant to ensure your hate-fueled hunk makes an amorous move or responds to yours. Our people prefer white wine, because it’s white. Franzia in a box, with its handy spigot, is always a good choice because our lives are tacky in thought and action, like the delicious wine in a box itself.
Have a Receptacle for Saliva
- Make sure to get some yummy chewing tobaccy and place a tin on the table near his place setting. Mint-flavored will keep his breath tingly fresh for your pleasure!
Don’t Go Paperless
- Paper plates, plastic cups, and plastic utensils are a nice way to say, “Let’s eat low-class!” Cook something that will help you take advantage of the old adage, “The way to a hard-right conservative’s heart facsimile is his stomach.” How about something Southern, which will surely be a taste-bud way of putting an image of Confederate statues and “Whites Only” signs in his head? Mmm, mmm! Fried catfish on a bed of, obviously white, rice, with a side of potatoes nestled next to it?
Terrifying Tunes
- Music is an important way to see a romantic, right-wing mood for your rendez-vous with Lance. Some good choices are the elegant stylings of Neo-Nazi bands Macht und Ehre, RaHoWa (Racial Holy War), and Blue-Eyed Devils. Put the tunes on at a an audible but low volume so you’ll be free to talk about your misinformed views, each getting to know the limited thinkers you both are.
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Hitting the Sheets
- As a decorative accent drape a Ku Klux Klan get-up on the side of your couch or arm-chair. He’ll love it, and maybe even wear it during your date!
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Be a Chatty White Cathy
- Keep some conversation pieces on your coffee table to facilitate a free-wheeling exchange of Alt-Right ideas and ideals. A semi-automatic weapon somewhere nearby is always a great touch, and handy in case Obama and Hillary suddenly barge in and try to take away your rights, which is always a threat we must deal with. But that’s so much easier to do with a loving, hate-filled partner by your side, one who’s full of misplaced rage and a self-pitying perception that he, a hunky Alt-Right dude, is under attack from the we’re-everywhere left. I highly recommend you casually toss a limited edition of Mein Kampf edited by openly racist and openly dumb White House counsel Jason Miller on the coffee table as well.
- “Oh, me oh my! I forgot to put this back when I was done doing my daily inspirational reading from it this morning–I’m such a scatterbrain,” you can say flirtatiously when Lane happens to see it.
- This will let him know you’re well-read in the foundational texts of our movement, but also not a threat in any way to him, because your cerebrally inferior. Our guys love that.
Smack My Bitch Up
- So sang Prodigy, but it applies here, too! Sure, opiates are destroying our communities and have been shown to lead to distorted, paranoid thinking, and may even be a secret fuel powering the Alt-Right movement (they don’t call her Kellyanne OxyConway for nothing, and look at Steve Bannon’s gorgeous, Vicodin side effect-suffering skin!). But let’s face it, smack in pill form can do wonders for the libido. Have a couple orange prescription bottles as centerpieces on your dinner table and sprinkle some dolls on the table around them!
Clothes Make the Woman
- What to wear? Oh, that question that can stump any Alt-Right gal! Try a casual top with a swastika on it, jeggings, and a pair of clear, stripper heels. Cute, comfortable, and sends the right messages. Makeup should be understated, but the young Alt-Right-ers do seem to prefer a pale face and lots of black liquid eyeliner. Put some pommade in your hair that says, “I was just casually trolling left-wing accounts on Twitter when you rang the doorbell!”
Must-See Movies
- Want to curl up with a good Alt-Right rom-com? How about the racist classic that helped start it all, D.W. Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation? He’ll love putting his Aryan arm around you and mansplaining his incorrect theories on “miscegenation” and “race-mixing” after you watch that three-hour nightmare of a flick. This will give you the chance to snuggle up to his roided-up chest and even plant a smooch on his prejudiced pucker.
Good luck to you, Excite.d And check back with me, Dr. Kayleigh MacEnnaknee, for guidance in our misguided lifestyle!
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