Dating is such right-wing fun, no?/Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, Alfra.
Dear Dr. MacEnnaknee,
I’m an eager but new convert to the Alt-Right lifestyle. I have a crush an a shaved-heard. muscle-bound white supremacist hottie named Lance–think Alt-Right hero Christopher Cantwell, but scarier. I’ve invited him over to my apartment for a romantic, racist dinner for two hateful souls, drawn together by our shared vision for a return to the KKK glory days of yesteryear. How should I set this meeting up so we’ll be on the way to our right-wing nut job (RWNJ) happily ever after?
Excited in Evanston.
Dear Excited,
It’s great to hear the Alt-Right movement is helping lonely bigots find the love they deserve! Here are some tips on setting the perfect scene for a neo-con love connection.
Fire and Brimstone
- Get some cheap tiki torches from Homeland Depot. Flank your dinner table with them, lighting them to create the perfect, creepy scene, reminiscent of a Nazi rally in 1930s Germany. Makes you want to get frisky just thinking about it, doesn’t it?
Get Lit
- Encourage imbibing. You’ll need a good social lubricant to ensure your hate-fueled hunk makes an amorous move or responds to yours. Our people prefer white wine, because it’s white. Franzia in a box, with its handy spigot, is always a good choice because our lives are tacky in thought and action, like the delicious wine in a box itself.
Have a Receptacle for Saliva
- Make sure to get some yummy chewing tobaccy and place a tin on the table near his place setting. Mint-flavored will keep his breath tingly fresh for your pleasure!
Don’t Go Paperless
- Paper plates, plastic cups, and plastic utensils are a nice way to say, “Let’s eat low-class!” Cook something that will help you take advantage of the old adage, “The way to a hard-right conservative’s heart facsimile is his stomach.” How about something Southern, which will surely be a taste-bud way of putting an image of Confederate statues and “Whites Only” signs in his head? Mmm, mmm! Fried catfish on a bed of, obviously white, rice, with a side of potatoes nestled next to it?
Terrifying Tunes
- Music is an important way to see a romantic, right-wing mood for your rendez-vous with Lance. Some good choices are the elegant stylings of Neo-Nazi bands Macht und Ehre, RaHoWa (Racial Holy War), and Blue-Eyed Devils. Put the tunes on at a an audible but low volume so you’ll be free to talk about your misinformed views, each getting to know the limited thinkers you both are.
-
Hitting the Sheets
- As a decorative accent drape a  Ku Klux Klan get-up on the side of your couch or arm-chair. He’ll love it, and maybe even wear it during your date!
-
Be a Chatty White Cathy
- Keep some conversation pieces on your coffee table to facilitate a free-wheeling exchange of Alt-Right ideas and ideals. A semi-automatic weapon somewhere nearby is always a great touch, and handy in case Obama and Hillary suddenly barge in and try to take away your rights, which is always a threat we must deal with. But that’s so much easier to do with a loving, hate-filled partner by your side, one who’s full of misplaced rage and a self-pitying perception that he, a hunky Alt-Right dude, is under attack from the we’re-everywhere left. I highly recommend you casually toss a limited edition of Mein Kampf edited by openly racist and openly dumb White House counsel Jason Miller on the coffee table as well.
- “Oh, me oh my! I forgot to put this back when I was done doing my daily inspirational reading from it this morning–I’m such a scatterbrain,” you can say flirtatiously when Lane happens to see it.
- This will let him know you’re well-read in the foundational texts of our movement, but also not a threat in any way to him, because your cerebrally inferior. Our guys love that.
Smack My Bitch Up
- So sang Prodigy, but it applies here, too! Sure, opiates are destroying our communities and have been shown to lead to distorted, paranoid thinking, and may even be a secret fuel powering the Alt-Right movement (they don’t call her Kellyanne OxyConway for nothing, and look at Steve Bannon’s gorgeous, Vicodin side effect-suffering skin!). But let’s face it, smack in pill form can do wonders for the libido. Have a couple orange prescription bottles as centerpieces on your dinner table and sprinkle some dolls on the table around them!
Clothes Make the Woman
- What to wear? Oh, that question that can stump any Alt-Right gal! Try a casual top with a swastika on it, jeggings, and a pair of clear, stripper heels. Cute, comfortable, and sends the right messages. Makeup should be understated, but the young Alt-Right-ers do seem to prefer a pale face and lots of black liquid eyeliner. Put some pommade in your hair that says, “I was just casually trolling left-wing accounts on Twitter when you rang the doorbell!”
Must-See Movies
- Want to curl up with a good Alt-Right rom-com? How about the racist classic that helped start it all, D.W. Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation? He’ll love putting his Aryan arm around you and mansplaining his incorrect theories on “miscegenation” and “race-mixing” after you watch that three-hour nightmare of a flick. This will give you the chance to snuggle up to his roided-up chest and even plant a smooch on his prejudiced pucker.
Good luck to you, Excite.d And check back with me, Dr. Kayleigh MacEnnaknee, for guidance in our misguided lifestyle!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2017 Akbar Khan
