“Oh, baby–this is what researchers have found I likely find sexy about you!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Studio Trebuchet.
Hello, fellow sojourners on this trippy, trials-and-tribulations odyssey called life!
I’m Geta Long, the Commonalities columnist here at nobody’s favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). This is significant for two reasons. First, all of us on the right wing of contemporary politics are nobody’s, each one of us individually and as a whole. We’ve chosen to make ourselves not matter by behaving in and elevating the most politically non-agentive ways possible. Second, this is my first column. SYRW has been around for seven months now. During that time, once a week, I’ve tried to come up with some quality we and the Liberal Loony Left share. No dice. This week I came up with one. We all like good-looking people. And before you start with the trite “beauty’s in the eye of the beholder” fantasy-talk, allow me to tell you that scientists have identified things that appeal to people across time and cultures. Normally, all we on the right care about is here and now and us and not you. But when something’s intellectually convenient for us, we’re the first to acknowledge it. And such is the case for the research into all things Hot!
The research I mention below tends to skew toward what men find attractive in women, though the first book in particular that I mention found that women like essentially the same things in men, generally. We have to just assume that people of variant gender and sexual identities are into the same shizz, or just pretend they don’t exist at all!
Damn, S/He’s Balanced
If you look at an equilateral triangle and think, “I could really get serious about her,” or “I’ve gotta rope him into marriage,” well then you’re not alone. One of the general “rules of attraction,” if you will, that researchers have been able to suss out is the symmetry of facial features. The more symmetrical the more attractive, as psychologist Nancy Etcoff wrote in her book Survival of the Prettiest noted. When study participants are shown images of human faces and asked to identify them as attractive or unattractive, symmetry was one of the qualities researchers saw that the “attractive” faces had in common.
Related: DIY Deconstruction projects for the right-wing home.
In fact, just the other day, my daughter came home and told me, “Mom, I really think I love this guy. His features adhere to The Golden Ratio,” which is the ratio of facial features in relation to each other that humans find the most alluring. You can read more about it and its uses outside dumb dating in this article by The Creative Bloq Staff at the Creative Bloq.
What’s Your Creepy Sign?
Symmetry speaks of two things we want in a sexual partner, youth and health. Both of these increase the likelihood that any offspring we have with our horizontal tango partner will be fit, in the Darwinian survival sense. And hence the ickiest finding to come of the new Science of Beauty: men in particular find women who are “youthful” attractive as writer Laken Howard of The Bustle notes in an article on this topic.
Given the Western proscription against child molestation, if this makes you want to wretch, I understand. But you also kind of get it, I know. That’s part of what makes it so gross–how familiar it is. Again, the younger a man’s partner is–even though he can’t tell by looking when she’s too young—the more likely she’ll be healthy enough to rear his chilluns, the eternal dream of every gene.
I mean, who wouldn’t swipe right on their phone if a Tinder profile said, “SWM seeks F. The younger the better,” I’m not sure. I sure hope I meet such a Prince Charming one day!
And: Don’t miss the reason the WH hired a canine body language expert.
Cruel Reality
Nature isn’t the kindest realm in the world, a fact we rightists love, despite our hate of nature itself. We love hunting, fighting, and being as cave-dweller-like as possible. These activities are all related in some way to the brutishness of nature! But again, we don’t like nature itself, we just like these limited aspects of life in it.
Anyway, another harsh truth of beauty, of what “in nature” humans find attractive, is that we all like average features, according to this HuffPo article by writer Jacqueline Howard. Again, based on facial recognition studies, people identified as attractive the most generic, innocuous, and generally blah faces (on women) they were shown. And once again, the explanatory theory advanced by researchers was that because extreme features–bulging eyes or swollen lips, for example–would signal ill-health or congenital abnormality, hence less survival “fitness,” the more insipid a face, the betyer.
This would explain the practice by teenage boys, the horniest creatures in the Milky Way, of standing on street corners and yelling, “Hey, baby! Bring that unexceptional ass over my way!”
Revolution of Evolution
If you don’t think it’s fun to reduce everything to how it plays into the base human instinct to value that which is advantageous to a life project of procreation, well, then you obviously don’t know how to have fun! If you were able to stop yourself from doing the Teutonic Dance of Mirth, a favorite of us happy, healthy-ites over here on the right of the contemporary political spectrum, of which I am the only member, you should see a psychiatrist. You’re a nut!
My points don’t, of course, allow for offbeat beauty or people who get a lot of action but are asymmetrical, old, and extreme. But they do point to some things we share in common, all of us homo sapiens on this big Spaceship Earth.
That’s probably not news to you, given who we decided, as the group of goons that we are, to elect an idiot, jerk, and spoiled brat to be the leader of the Western world. Still, our people, rightists, seem to be unable to grasp simple facts even when we’re told them plainly, without any doubt, multiple times, such as the DJT colluded with Russia to get himself elected. So, I thought I’d really spell stuff out for you.
I’m assuming this way-too-long post has you wishing you could get back the last ten minutes of your life. Again, take heart in the fact that you share that in common with every other person who’s read it, regardless of their political affiliations. And go out into that great big world and do things that increase the distance between you and your fellow peeps.
As I take my leave, I’ll just impart these sage words spoken by Eileen Ford of Ford Modeling Agency. She said her company was looking for “girls with wide-set eyes, a straight nose, and full lips.”
Also: Get some oatmeal meal ideas, or rather some Don’t Get Out the Vote-Meal Alt-ideas.
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