Mmmmmm…but full of hate dumb as a rock sure gets ya’ hungry, don’t it?/Image Licensed Adobe stock, amy_lv.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
If your stomach’s grumbling, your gait wobbling, your vision blurring, your mind going to an anxious yet less aware place, and your bowels slowing down to a sludge-filled halt, then, it can only mean one thing. Wel, two. The first is: ew, gross. The second is that your body is catching up with your mind and spirit’s awareness that the more you yell and scream about national politics based on what the screeching banshees at Fox News tell you what to think, like the dunderheaded rightists you are, the less time, energy, and knowledge you have for, for, and of local politics. Local is the prime place to have a tangible, hands-on effect. That being said one aspect of both local and national politics that is vital to stay engaged in is exercising your right to vote. So don’t do it. Then the corporate interests that pull the strings of the conservative politics wouldn’t be as happy, and we can’t have that. Instead, whip up a serving of one of these stomach-inside-outing dishes of Don’t Get Out the Vote-meal and pull up a char in front of the nearest 90 million-inch TV screen in your home.
Don’t Get Out the Vote-Meal is a special brand of oatmeal cooked up in the Koch Brothers Laboratories for Culinary Non-Science Cuz Climate Change Isn’t Happening It Just Isn’t. It’s oatmeal, but with a marketing gimmick that will ensure morons like yourselves will buy it at increased prices thereby ensuring a little spoke in the giant Late Capitalist machine continues to do its part to keep the wheels of that awful, inhuman machine a-turnin’.
Related: The shocking reason the WH hired a canine body language expert.
Not Instant–So Bear With Me for a Minute
As right-wingers in 2018, we like instant gratification, I think it’s safe to say. If something feels good, we do it–or support it. In this case, I mean Trump’s presidency of pratfalls and collusion and trade wars and Twitter tantrums and steady march toward authoritarianism. One of the things we love about ol’ Trumperson is that he’s promised he’ll protect our made-up right to personally own firearms. It gives us the illusion of being powerful people. But if we were to act to make each and every last vote in America count, that would be the surest way to grant ourselves meaningful power. But it’s not flashy, this right to vote, it’s not glamorous or sexy. It contains subtleties and nuances, and it requires a commitment to a cause or candidate beyond ourselves to allow the slow work of a healthy democracy to unfold after we elect true public servants, correcting our mistake with another vote if need be. So, no thanks, Alt-ers. We’re not interested.
As a lovely reminder of our refusal to see commit to lasting change, stir up a pot of classic non-instant, Vote-Meal. You can eat it for any meal, not just breakfast. All that really matters is that you heat up some water–if you can find any that isn’t full of pollutants dumped in it by the right in a medium saucepan. Once it’s boiling toss in some raw oats (Votes?) and cook them to the desired consistency.
Tough Cookies
Another thing we like to crow about, we contemporary conservatives, in 2018, is how everyone who wants basic rights of human dignity and maybe is a little traumatized after centuries of being treated like garbage by the Christo-white dude, is a “Snowflake.” They’re just oversensitive whiners. Why everyone can’t be thick-skinned, boorish louts like us, we’ll never understand. We don’t care to. We just want to continue psychotically accusing everyone of trampling over our inaleable right to be a-holes and say whatever words we choose to refer to them, for example. We, dear, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, are the oversensitive ones. But we’ll keep mum about that. And the best way to keep mum is to insert some food into your cakehole so words can’t come out of it. In this case, I suggest you try some Tough Vote-Meal Cookies. Cuz we aren’t tough cookies. The people who’ve been enslaved, hate-crimed, raped. and so on for hundreds of years are. We aren’t.
As your cookies bake in the oven, imagine that each is a tiny Earth. It’s being charred to a crisp, just as our planet is because of the Capitalist machine’s insistence on giving industry unfettered permission to belch fossil fuels into the atmosphere. And we love unmoored free markets, which we think have some sort of benign hand that will correct all its own mistakes. Nevermind that nothing but the opposite has been shown to be true. We’re impervious to incontrovertible evidence, so whatevs.
And: You landed your Alt-man…here’s how to keep him!
Food for the Paper Trail
In his totally unfair to us on the right, but actually completely legitimate in every way, to everyone else in the world (the ones with brains) investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller is said to be following a paper and money trail from Trump to Russia and back again…and again and again and again. The collusion continues. But we can’t allow ourselves to accept this plain-as-day fact. That would involve admitting we made a mistake by cheering like Nazis at Trump rallies! We don’t wike to admit we’ew wong. No way, Jose!
So, while we refuse to follow the paper trail, we should eat some trail mix! Why, because we’re stupid, and so is that idea. Ergo, make some trail mix but in order to infuse this meal with Alt-symbolism, make sure you include in your reciep some rolled Vote-Meal Trail Mix replete with rolled oats…er, rolled Votes.
As the soulless monsters on Fox and Friends sow the seeds of BS, anti-Trump conspiracy theories, you could even throw chunks of these rolled V-oats at the screen every time an image of Obama or Hillary comes on the screen. Yes, everything is their fault. Nothing is yours. Not you, poor, blameless, perfection in human form, you!
What Do We Want? Bad Lives! When Do We Want Them? Now!
As your Liberal Loony counterparts protest, march, rally, and yes, organize for voter turnout, it’s best if you, my dear, conservative charges, not worry your pretty little head and ugly little soul about such matters. You need only worry about how President Donald Trump is a poor, little beleaguered white guy just like you, and make a mental note of all the reasons right-wing media is making up to tell you why this is true. And you need also just keep eating processed food that poisons you, so you have nothing–simply nothing–left to give the parts of your existence that truly need to be addressed and redressed. Those parts are all affected by local, not national politics. But it’s much easier, as it requires no action almost on your part, to get all worked up about national politics. So do that! Especially since now you have three meals that look like chunky vomit to munch on while doing so!
Until next week bon appetit, cheers, and salut.
Also: What is Deconstruction? Find out and use it to make your house look worse!
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