What’s happening with international trade is like trading Halloween candy when we were kids–except with massive, horrible consequences!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, donvictori0.
Fiduciary Felicitations, right-wing finance fans!
Oh, how I do love a good roll in my Alt-cash. stripping naked and letting the paper green touch every inch of my Protestant, white integumentary system, the body’s largest organ. I’m Snoozie Storeman, of course, and I haven’t gotten to pen one of my Money columns here at the right’s favorite Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) that only holds this esteemed position in our community of idiots because there is no other such blog for it to compete with. Luckily, taking pride in empty achievements like this–even just making them up in flat-out lies, as our leader, President Donald J. Trump does–is a hallmark of the contemporary right of the political spectrum in the U.S. of A.
As my comeback finance-based column here on SYRW, this week I’m going to review some ways you can, in the sad, misguided personal instantiation of conserva-politics that is your life go about doing what we claim, on the right, to love, which is the empty platitude “support our troops.” We pay no mind, of course, to the fact that the most “supportive” thing we could do is to advocate for an abolition of war so troops don’t have to die. However, none of this is of import to what I have to tell you today, as I reviewing an altogether different kind of war and your own troop-hood in it: trade war! This is the game-y, fun way we’re all describing how Trump is playing with our lives vis-a-vis the economy in a childish game of import-export oneupmanship, a wrongheaded attempt at asserting the American relevance he’s overseeing the rapid decline of through horrific stewardship of the country at every level. I needn’t tell you though, that for some bizarre reason, we Alt-ers like this horrific stewardship, of course.
Related: Did you know that Kellyanne Conway cured addiction?
Left/Left/Left/RIGHT/Left
Oh, Protestant-mostly-Evangelical God help me, that hurt to say “left” that many times. Anywho, first, we must establish who, in fact, and indeed, are the troops in the Trump Trade War. It’s us, readers. me, you, and all the other fabulous examples of how low a people can sink, the psychopaths who proudly populate the cultural space known as conservative politics. We are a people so sick we elevate a man who boasts of sexual assault. We are a group that explains away (poorly) the words of a man who says some Neo-Nazis are very fine people. And we are simply folks who defend the actions of an administration that rends families apart because it needs to demonize immigrants in its quest to turn the country into Germany in 1939.
We are the most loyal people on the planet. Yes, it’s true. There is nothing–and I mean that very literally–that will ever make us turn our backs on President Trump. We embody the old saying, coined by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “A foolish consistency is the hobgobline of little minds.” And we’re proud of our foolishly consistent support of Trump and his alternately cruel and stupid policy moves.
The Glory of the Coming of the Trade Lord
Everywhere you go, the words “trade war” should be on your Alt-lips. When you’re at the grocery store and you accidentally get orange Jell-O instead of red, ask the checkout Mexican, “Oh, shoot–can I trade this for another one. TRADE WAR this?”
As you root on your favorite baseball team, say to your seatmate, “They need to trade LeBron already. They need to TRADE WAR him.”
And when a salesperson at Costco asks you if you’d like to trade the detergent you’re not happy with for another, reply, “Yes, I would. I’d like to TRADE WAR it!”
I’ll be usually honest with you and tell you that your inter people are going to look at you as if your bat-s–t crazy; And, well, you kinda are. But if the multi-billion-dollar advertising industry has taught us anything, it’s that short, light-on-meaning chunks of language stay in people’s minds, almost hypnotizing them into behaving the way you want them to. In this case, that’s getting behind the spasmodic and extreme trade policies Trump’s enacting of late.
Another Old Saying
As you know–well, maybe you don’t because if you’re a right-winger, you’re pretty stupid–there’ an old saying: “All’s fair in love and war.” So if you happen to get into an argument with a Liberal Loonie–if you must as Ann Coulter oh-so-wisely noted–you should reach for any bulky, heavy items near you and begin throwing that at the Liberal. Make whistling and engine-imitating noises as you hurl these things at the Looney. Yell, “It’s a trade war! Eeeeeyoooo–pukghghghg!” Like, the sound of falling bomb
Trade war support accomplished right there!
Walk It Off
In the words of bitter, closeted ,1980s gym teachers with bowl cuts everywhere.
Next, I urge you to use your gait–or as Trump would spell it if he were aware of such a word, “gate”–to show your support for all things trade war. Everywhere you go from now on, you must, if you are a good little Trump supporter, walk in military-style lockstep. Someone who gives a shizz what you’re doing, which, granted, isn’t a lot of people, because everyone outside our rightist community of cretins is like, “These people are goners and are totally irrelevant,” ask why you’re acting like a complete idiot. You can say you’re a soldier in Trump’s Trade War!
And: Get some ideas of Meals of Discomfort courtesy of Chef John Kelly.
War Fun and Games
See, there? Even as it relates to trade, a collective life of pugilism, combat, and battle is the one for us conservatives. That’s one aspect of right-wing life that’s retained a familiar feel in this topsy and turvy, winding and curvy life over here on the oh-so-right-it’s-wrong end of the political spectrum in the U.S.A of 2018. The consumer goods we accept from other nations and at what prices we accept them must be a silly opportunity for us to assert our faux-patriot egos, acting in accordance with the simplistic belief that slapping tariffs on imports is a simple, WYSIWYG way of showing the rest of the world who’s boss. Us! It’s us, dammit. Some might say that playing with an immensely complicated and precarious reality as the economies of two or more nations is perhaps the stupidest way to make us feel proud and strong and like we’re showing everyone else what’s what. But we, my fellow Alt-right-ers and dearest readers, are not “some.” We are none. Because we are nothing. We just can’t seem to accept it and bow out gracefully, instead choosing to hold our fellow citizens hostage with our choice of leader. And now through the fun ways of supporting Trump’s trade war that I’ve told you about above.
Until my next column to come soon, remember: cha-CHING!
Also: You must support these Alt-right non-profits!
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