Things are not always as they seem./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, ibreakstock.
Come sit next to me, Alt-design buffs! The “Me” I speak of is my favorite “me,” myself: Marla Stewman, the Home Decor columnist here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). I’m at the SYRW offices as I write this lovely, ultimately unhelpful, article to help you, as all my articles intend, make the inside of your home a beautiful Alt-instantiation of our right-wing philosophy of inequity, exclusivity, and cupidity, among other fantastic -ities. I have been reading a book by a Liberal Loonie, as I find such tomes to be endlessly entertaining. They make me laugh, laugh, and laugh some more. What are these bleeding hearts thinking? Well, whatever it is, their continued publications of reading material that for me to invest in gives us here at SYRW ways to flip the script on what they’re saying, and then make design choices based on those flipped scripts.
The book I’m immersed in now is Factualness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About the World–and Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, and Anna Rosling Ronnhung. Oh, those foolish Liberals. Living in ignorant bliss, while we who watch Fox News and read Infowars know what’s really going on. That is, of course, that the white, non-Jewish, non-Muslim, heterosexist patriarchy is under siege by our foes. And if we don’t fight for it, they’ll take it, starting with our dear guns, away from us. We all need headquarters that support this mission of taking America back from the marginalized groups we demonize, Making America Great Again, to use our secret code. Your home is your headquarters.
Today, I’m going to tell you about the ten biases Rosling claims lead us to think in ways that help create a worldview that things are bad, bad, bad, which animates many of our retrograde political stances. Then I’ll offer a quick suggestion about how you can use said biases, which to us are simply the right way to think, to decorate your home.
Related: The Sinclair Broadcasting script gets even more jacked up, courtesy of us.
It Takes Two
Bias One: It takes two do a lot of things, SYRW readers. And one such thing is to believe that the world is divided into two camps, separated by “a huge chasm of injustice,” as Rosling et. al. put in their book. Western thought, as Derrida and other deconstructionist philosophers pointed out, tends to think in dichotomies, and that’s just one reason we on the right love this bias, The Gap Instict.
Decor Tip; One: Install a whole, symbolizing that “chasm of injustice” in your living room.
Everything Sucks
Bias Two: Being the alarmist, reactionary folks we are necessitates that we engage in the Negativity Instinct, as Rosling, Rosling and Ronnhund call it. It assumes that things are much worse than they are.
Decor Tip: Instead of photographs, frame the negatives of the photographs, back from the day when they existed. They’re negative, like us!
Doing Lines
Bias Three: The Straight Line Instinct is when we assume bad things are getting worse in a way that would be represented by a straight line upward on a graph.
Decor Tip: Stripes–horizontal, vertical, diagonal, you name it–on any and all fabric and upholstery around your home will call to mind this thought bias, SYRW readers.
Gasp!
Bias Four: Next up is the Fear Instinct, which is biased thinking that stems from the tendency in humans to think fearfully, based on our evolutionary need to do so.
Decor Tip: Use yourself as an interior design piece anytime you’re home, chewing on your nails, wringing your hands, and darting your eyes from side to side.
Big Little Lies
Bias Five: The Size instinct, causes us to the state of the world out of proportion. In particular, we overinflate the bad and diminish the good.
Decor Tip: Use a ten-foot-by-ten-foot candy dish as a decorative accent. Put a side table from a dollhouse next to your favorite armchair.
Generals Aren’t Just In the Armed Forces
Bias Six: When we employ, to our peril, the generalization instinct, we assume categories that don’t exist, or exist to a far lesser degree than we presume.
Decor Tip: Put a bunch of flowers in a vase, all of different species.
And: Make some meals inspired by the right’s nearly nonexistent capacity for disgust.
Fatalism, Not Facts
Bias Seven: When we think according to the Destiny Instinct, we infer that inherent qualities decide the destinies of people.
Decor Tip: Mini-elephant tchotchkes all over your house, as they are the symbol of the right wing, would be a great way to underscore your conviction that people will be x, because they are y.
One, the Loneliest Number
Bias Eight: The Single Perspective Instinct is our tendency to latch on to one person’s, usually a screaming, unqualified Fox News banshee, explanation for something.
Decor Tip: Make certain all the seating in your family room is facing a television, which should be playing Fox News at all times, it goes without saying.
J’accuse!
Bias Nine: The Blame Instinct is Rosling, et. al.’s name for the appeal in human thought processes of “clear, simple” explanations for things.
Decor Tip: Prop up a small square of glass somewhere in your home. It’s clear and simple.
Now or Never
Bias Ten: Plagued by the Urgency Instinct, we default to thinking that something must be done now, now, now!
Decor Tip: Hang all the clocks in your home upside down, highlight the point that time is immaterial, as everything must be done right this second.
I know your eyes are already closed, imagining how adorable, non-inviting, and not-comfortable your personal castle will be once you’ve put into practice, always with a little personal flair, I trust, my suggestions above. I wish I could see the results, but I have far better things to do with my time than slum it with the readers of this blog, like you, to be frank. And I have to conceptualize the Interiors article for next week here on SYRW. And of course, I must not make eye contact with black people on the street, mutter annoyedly to myself as Jewish people and Muslims gather outside their places of worship, and complain that my Latina housekeeper can’t speak English. A conservative shithead’s work truly is never done, as the old saying I just made up goes.
Now, go get to decorating conservatively, conservating, as we call it here in the Interiors departmental offices. We’ll meet again, same time, same place, in seven days.
And: See the real reason David Shulkin go the ax from the Trump Admin.
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