Serenity can be yours, even if you’re Michael Cohen, Esq,/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Romolo Tavani.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
In many parts of the country, it’s still quite cold, despite the fact that we’re well into the month of April. I, Dane Scarnegie, your Wellness guru here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) hope the weather, unaffected as it is by climate change, which we right-wingers deny the existence of–to our peril, I should note–gets just a little warmer and balmier. In reality, it’ll probably be scaldingly hot in a couple days, extreme and unpredictable because of CO2 emissions that we Alt-ers insist make no difference.
Somewhere it’s already hot is White House Counsel Michael Cohen’s New York City office. The FBI raided that poor little headquarters Monday, searching for information on President Donald Trump’s Stormy Daniels imbroglio, as reported by The New York Times and pretty every other news outlet in the Milky Way galaxy (not the candy bar, my wise, right-wing Wellness charges. The poor guy! Cohen has just been trying to do his job, protecting a terrible person and the terrible things he says and does through the use of unethical, immoral, and probably illegal means. Those Liberal Loonies just can’t let us right-wingers be, even when we’re just trying to do good–no, great–things for humanity. “Very unfair!” as our fantabulous leader enjoys saying.
Related: You can use money to shut people up in lots of ways.
We can only imagine how difficult this FBI was on Cohen, a blameless victim who fancies himself a Ray Donovan-style, thuggish fixer for Trump. When you’re in the middle of an acutely and actively stressful situation like law enforcement storming–even Stormy-ing–your place of work in can be hard to remain focused on your personal Alt-wellness. Hence, I thought I’d review for all you SYRW readers some ways to do just that. We’re right-wingers, and we can have, do, and be anything we want, daggumit!
Baby’s Breath Ain’t Just a Flower
If you’re not familiar with belly breathing yet, this first tip is for you–and even if you are, this will be a good refresher paragraph. Belly breathing, as it’s called, is nature’s anxiolytic. When you hear banging on your door and a barrel-chested voice barks that it’s the FBI, your first response should be to take a deep breath. It can even help to imagine calm filling your lungs and stress taking a vacay from your inhabiting you as you exhale. However, “shoulder breathing,” or making your upper body rise and fall with your breath isn’t too helpful. You should make your belly expand as you inhale and contract as you exhale, hence the name “belly breathing.” The Feds may think your a touch touched as they ransack your apt and your breath-control maintains your relaxation, but nevermind then. Nothing can touch your inner calm, you little Michael Cohen, Â you!
Prickly Situation
A general life-rule is to establish and maintain mindfulness, or a focus on the present, rather than fretting about the past or worrying about the future. Yogis, gurus, and spiritual seekers have spent lifetimes getting to that mental place, though. A great mini-exercise to do when you find your mind going everywhere but now is to bring your attention to your body. As you slouch into a chair waiting for the Bureau-dudes to finish turning your place upside-down, your mind will want to go to terrible places. Do not go! A fantastic way to remain here-and-now is to say out loud, “I feel the tingling life energy in my hands,” three times and see that as you say it, too! If you’re still spinning, say the same about your feet!
And: The Sinclair Broadcasting script gets even more jacked up courtesy of SYRW.
How Does It Feel?
A “body scan” is a lovely way to accomplish the corporeal repose that results from but also causes mental placidity. Starting at your skull, which, granted you can do much to control, ask yourself if you’re holding tension in that anatomical location. If so, let it go! Anxiety, worry, and strain can only stick around if you allow them
The body is always your anchor in the present, but it can hold so much negativity that being anywhere but there is tempting. That’s why conscious relaxation of your muscles can be necessary. When an FBI agent puts a hand on your shoulder and looks you dead in the eye, telling you that you can make plundering your home much easier if you cooperate, or your office in Mikey Cohen’s case, ask them, politely, “Can’t it wait–I’m in the middle of a body scan to see where tension is residing in my physical person right now?” Progressively relax every muscle in your body, then. You can even make it clench each muscle and hold the tension, then let it out, to make it easier to work with the muscles we don’t normally think about much.
Also: How QAnon can help you achieve maximum self-efficacy.
The practices I’ve laid out above are good for more than when the authorities violate your privacy, sovereignty, and personal sanctity by barging in and having their way with your very own Alt-space. They can help in any “very unfair” situation. When you’re secretly watching CNN because you know Fox News is BS and you get a sinking feeling you were wrong about Trump all along, remember to belly-breathe When you’re at a Trump rally, and it suddenly dawns on you that he is an idiot with who speaks at the level of a fourth-grader, as this study found and Newsweek recounted, focus on the buzz-like feeling in your hands/feet. And when you see an immigrant family crying as Immigration and Customs Enforcement rips them from each other’s arms to deport some of them, making you feel sad, do a body scan.
Until next week, readers, be well in the bizarre Alt-way we’re choosing to be in the Trump Era.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
