Bask in the glow of our moral turpitude!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Maridav.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
My name is Dane Scarnegie, and I’m the new Wellness guide at everyone’s inane-but-irresistible, right-wing lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). As all you savvy yet somehow backward at the same time Alt-readers know, the concept of wellness stems from an understanding that a right-wingers well-being stems itself from taking a biopsychophysiosocial approach to achieving a condition of generally vigorous, robust, and proactive conservative contentment. I, Dane Scarnegie, seek to lead you on a path to a place called Right-Wing Wellness in this and future SYRW Wellness articles through dispatches from my own personal journey to wellness and those of guest contributors I meet along the way.
This week, I turn your attention to five behavioral practices that have fallen out of favor in the past 20 years or so, mostly because of the left’s touchy-feely, bleeding-heart, compassion-crazy take-over of the field of holistic health and wellness. As with so many areas of our lives over here on the right of the political spectrum, we’re taking back our power and creating a space to explore and actualize our own approach to being fulfilled, to thriving, and to living our best Alt-right life, as the motto of this website goes.
COPD? NMP!
Everyone knows smoking is bad for you at this point, we assume. It causes cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and generally makes you sick, shortens your life, and worsens your existence.
But, think of how obnoxious it is! At this point, when smoking–even smoking e-cigarettes, which emit water vapor and not smoke–is so frowned upon by the general culture that you almost never see people smoking in public except when they’re huddled in groups next to the rare outdoor ashtray, puffing away as quickly and surreptitiously as possible. It reminds you of how the white working class, the Christian, and the generally privileged, who make up a good chunk of the Allt-community are forced to experience our identities–in a marginalized, to appropriate a left-wing term, that’s how!
So, go to the nearest gas station, dear readers, and buy a pack of stogies, I say. Light up anywhere and everywhere you want, blowing smoke in the direction, faces, and entitled way of all these whiny, liberal snowflakes. A great, gaseous way to instantiate our indignant, overbearing, overweening, and petulant reaction to having to share the cultural pie that’s always been ours for the taking, no? Yes!
A Time to Seethe
For centuries, WASP cocktail hour was a sacred time in the daily lives of Anglo-old-money circles, and such people were our heroes, our models for right living, our benchmarks of soullessness. It’s time to reinstitute that everyday practice that took place in the liminal hour/s between day and night.
Every Alt-home should have a glass trolley with a mirrored surface on which to store crystal decanters full of well-aged spirits, and it should take center stage in the home’s primary communal living space. Come five o’clock, every member living in every Alt-home should be filling a highball, old-fashioned, or wine glass with his (and not “her,” because women and those of other gender categories don’t matter) favorite liquor. He should then imbibe, gulp down, and knock back the booze with abandon. He should let all his seething, white, heterosexist resentments come spilling forth, stumbling about and slurring his offensive-to-liberals words. What fun–but fun with a purpose!
Don’t Swallow Your Pride
The liberal, feel-good, psychobabble industrial complex has brainwashed us all into thinking that a quaint, cutesy family dinner each day is a primary practice that leads to positive health outcomes for children. Oh, please! You know what else is–tense, cringe-inducing meal times from the era of spanking and children being seen and not heard.
And:: The real story behind David Shulkin’s firing.
So, I propose a return to emotionally zipped-up, silent, psychological-scarring evening meals. You and your Alt-family should have a group supper, yes, but it should be full of brooding glances, angry outbursts, and if you’re doing things right, tears. This is how we lived for decades, and it’s no coincidence that we put a man on the moon, many McDonald’s all over the globe, and mass-produced junk of all sorts in every home. It’s the way of nuclear family in Mid-to-Late Capitalism, and SYRW’s bringing it back.
And: Get some merchandise inspired by Betsy Devos “Maybe I Should” 60 Minutes interview.
Cut Them Off
Does anything–anything–feel better than losing your cool in your car, the place you spend most of your life as a cog in the capito-military-industrial complex? When you perceive that you’ve been slighted by someone who butts in front of you on the road, makes a left turn when it was our turn, or swipes a parking spot you had your eye on, it feels damn good to blow a gasket and unleash on that person, fury projecting out of every pore of our beings in a way that, for some reason, is so much harder outside of our vehicles. It’s downright fulfilling just to have a fit in the semi-privacy of our cars. Of course, after the twisted high wears off, you feel a lot worse. But who cares! We’re trying to show the world we’re not a people you want to mess with. So next time someone does the tiniest thing you take issue with as you travel down the road to cultural irrelevance, rip your hair out, scream until you’re hoarse, beat your steering wheel or passenger seat mercilessly, and scream at your fellow humans that you will. not. be. ignored.
Dilbert 2.0
Oh, Dilbert: the cartoon who delivered incisive, spot-on commentary on the life of cubicle workers in the modern world. Despite how funny that classic comic strip was and the wisely critical stance it took toward existence in the office, we’re going to have to encourage our dear readers to revisit all that it shed a sweetly disparaging light on. Enough with a work-from-home day, casual Friday, ergonomic office furniture, nap breaks on the job! We want you disheveled, isolated, and agitated at work, hunched over a pile of papers in disarray; bathed in unforgiving fluorescent light; the specter of your smarmy, mendacious boss peering over your shoulder. It’s the perfect way–perhaps the only way–to make us all as bitter, rage-filled, and sufficiently beaten-down as we need to be in order to act out in all the Alt-ways we’ve come to be notorious for.
Go Into the Darkness
I encourage you, dear SYRW readers, to begin instituting the above practices in your right-wing life project as soon as conservatively possible. We, as a community, haven’t a minute to lose in being our most soulless, debased selves! Special Counsel Robert Mueller, Congressional Democrats, and the left-wing Resistance are mobilizing to reverse all the supposed progress we’ve made in the last year and change, led by our good-old-boy leader, His Orangeness President Donald Trump. We’re finally getting back in the saddle as a people. If we become complacent now, we risk being asleep at the wheel, or saddle, to extend that horseback metaphor, which makes us easy targets for the left to take the reins, once again, to use equine-lumbar imagery. The praxes I’ve outlined above reassert the cultural power, capital, and centrality that we never really lost–let’s be honest–but that Obama, Hillary, many other pinko Commies, and the nation’s general tilt toward progressiveness through a focus on inclusion, equality, and diversity made us feel we were losing.
If we behave in the ways I’ve outlined above, we’ll begin to show the world, particularly the social justice crew, that we’re mad as hell, and we’re not going to take it anymore. If we don’t get our way, we’ll act out by electing another kakistocrat and his merry band of idiots to power, or do something even more extreme!
Until next week, dear SYRW readers, go forth and give ’em Alt-hell! It’s good for you–trust me, and trust he who we model so much of our behavior on these days, President Donald Trump.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
