“Hey, come back! My mom and dad are Right Wing Nut Jobs, so they’re teaching me to bully kids who are different than me!”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, CerebralAperture.
What’s up, Alt-fun-lovers?!
My name is Merri Ment, and I’m the new Fun columnist here at everyone’s favorite silly, silly, and silly some more, Alt-right lifestyle blog, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). I’m so happy to be a part of the team here helping you, our readers, actualize your conservative goals, dreams, and ambitions through fourteen columns highlighting traditionalist methods of life-improvement as we take back the country from the liberals and progressives and make sure the heterosexist patriarchy continues to be the framework in which all legal citizens of the United States of America are forced to live in To put a finer point on it, I’m honored and excited to help you spread your right wings. I’m all about the fun, so let’s get started!
Related: The new Alt-right food pyramid to guide your conservative dietary choices.
Russian Roamer
Aaah, good ol’ anxiety-producing, competitive-in-a-weird-way, political-subtext-infused games. The American playground equivalent of a meal of meat and potatoes. This game put the red in red-blooded American men, and for that reason and others, it’s a fabulous way for conserva-kids to spend their time. Back in the day, it involved two teams, East and West, which were lined up horizontally, hands linked, on opposite sides of a play area. One team says, “Red Rover, Red Rover, send [name of opposing team member] over.” That wee whippersnapper must then run over to the team that summoned him (we’re bringing the male generic back along with the ever-so-useful and inclusive campaign to have people say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”). Upon reaching the opposite teams linked-hands lines, the opposite team-member summoned for must try to break the linked hands of two players. If he does he can then take one or both of the opposite team members whose hand-link he broke back to his home team. If he can not, he joins the opposite team. Wow–I’m bad at explaining how to play games. Maybe it’s because I hate them.
Anywho, the game keeps going on like this until only one team remains. Now, this odd little activity needs no revision to be Alt-right. It was Alt-right before the Alt-right was Alt-right! East is “Russia” and West is the “U.S.” The children playing all represent members of President Donald Trumps 2016 campaign and presidential administration, and they need not even be named. Every one of them is a Russian stooge. This game, then, actually takes on a less sinister tone than the ones I’ll describe below. Trump and his team, and the kids who play this game pretending to be members of it, as any good right-wing tot would, willingly join hostile foreign governments in nefarious activities that corrupt the American democracy! So go for it, young Republicans!
You Were a Grand Old Flag
You were a high-flying flag. Now, you’re basically just waiting to be turned into the Russian flag, flying limp and aimless until we Americans, thanks to President Donald Trump, just hand the U.S. of A. over to Vladimir Putin, no questions asked, no strings attached, no take-backs.
My personal favorite game of my youth was Capture the Flag. Back then, we strapped on belts with velcro patches to adhere either blue or red flags to. Then we went to our respective sides of a field and tried to abscond with the opposite team’s flag, protected by a goalie. We could be taken out of the game if, while over on the other side’s area, one of those team members ripped off our flag. Again, I am really bad at describing how to play a game. Or maybe it’s, again, just that I find doing so tedious and awful.
And: The truth behind Secretary David Shulkin’s exit from Team Trump.
Anyway, to inject the Alt into this game, simply adhere Russian flags to the belts instead of Red ones. And instead of blue ones, also use Russian ones. Because Fake News, Russian bots, and the bizarre sway Putin has over Trump have made the right wing the puppets of puppetmaster Putin.
If a player gets her flag taken away by the other team, she must go into the opposing team’s holding pen. There, she can be liberated by a team member of hers by having that team member tagging her. The liberating team member must yell, “I’m coming, Paul Manafort–I’m coming!” while tagging her. Alternately, the liberating team member could choose to insert the name of any other Team Trump members in daner of doing time in The Big House for Russia-related malfeasance.
Harmonious Furniture to Sit On
God, this article is getting dumber by the paragraph! Well, you try coming up with a synonym for “Musical Chairs.” Now, this is one childhood game I have a love-hate relationship with. Don’t ask me why. I said don’t. Stop. Stop it.
Line up 6-10 chairs so that alternating ones face opposite directions. Have 7-11 children, one more than there are chairs, dress up as a former or current member of Team Trump, those who’ve been fired or have resigned from the administration and those who still kill their souls by working for it. Turn on some Ted Nugent or Kid Rock, two Republican musicians, the first the worst person on Earth, the second just drunk and misguided is our guess. Suddenly stop the music, and then each member must find a seat. But one can’t, and he’s out. What a fun way to join in the fun of the chaos in the White House!
Also: How to get your home decor in line with climate-change-denial.
Kids Are Always Underfoot Except When You Want Them Around, Amirite?
To be honest, just after writing this post, I want to gather my kids and get to indulging in some reactionary, retrograde pastimes with them. As the old saying goes, “The family that behaves creepily oppressive and backward-thinking games together, stays together for at least the time they play those games together.” Come to think of it, maybe it’s not an old saying, it’s just one I heard in the SYRW offices today. But it’s true–so very true. I hope you’ll go now, dress your kids in clothing associated with the gender they were assigned at birth, take ’em out to what I assume is a sprawling suburban backyard and dive right into the diversions, entertainment, and amusement described above.
I’ll do the same, as I said. But first, I’ll scour the full-of-misinformation Internet for more puerile, moronic, and absurd divertissement, as the French say, to tell you all about next week.
Until then, have some fun, fun, fun! No–have a lot! And preferably have it at someone’s expense, like a woman, member of the LGBTQ community, a Hispanic person, a Jewish person, a Native American, a differently-abled person, a Muslim, or anyone who is liberal or progressive!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
