Dance ’til ya’ can’t dance no‘ mo’ –C + C Music Factory./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, contrastwerkstatt.
Every era has the dance moves, routines, and fads that define it: the 60s had The Twist, the 70s had The Hustle, the 80s had breakdancing, the 90s had Macarena, and the 2000s had The Nene. Well, the Trump era may not be taking place in such periods as neatly defined decades, given that it began, much to the shock, chagrin, and consternation of those sad sacks on the left in oh-so-late 2016. But that doesn’t mean it lacks its own booty-swaying, shoulder-shaking, foot-fancy-ing ways of tripping the light fantastic that define it. We hope you’re stretched, warmed up, and wearing loose-fitting clothing, because you’re not going to be able to stop yourself from cutting a rug when we fill you in on the hip-thrusting moves you need to know to join in the terpsichorean fun at the next boring-AF Republican fundraiser, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers!
Now, you would think that in a post whose goal is to teach you dances there would be actual images to guide you. Oh, come now, all you Alt-Martha Grahams! This is the Trump Era, when standard, best practices are hurled out the window like a hard drive at Paul Manafort’s house when there’s a knock at the door in the middle of the night! There will be no such pictures to guide you. We know that you, our readers, being from the right wing of the political spectrum, aren’t used to thinking for yourselves. And you’re probably also white, hence seriously lacking rhythm, but we’re going to raise the bar and expect you to meet us there. We’re going to describe the basic moves associated with these oh-so-hip (we can’t decide if we intended that pun or not–we’ll get back to you) dances, and then you insert your very own, personal Alt-stamp on it. Ready? OK!
Related: Look at these right-wing optical illusions that’ll blow your mind.
The Screw
This toe-twinkling move is finds its inspiration in what President Donald Trump is doing to the country. As in, screwing it, in case it wasn’t clear. To do it, adopt a wide-legged stance–but make sure your worldview isn’t wide–and put your hands on your hips like a petulant right-wing child. Next, thrust your crotch in and out, you know, as if you’re fucking someone! Alternate these forward thrusts with a backward booty-pop as if presenting your behind to someone. And that’s pretty much what the right has done and forced everyone else to go along with it by electing Mr. Unfit, Trump himself, to office and supporting his appointment of the most unfit people to the highest policy-making and law-enforcement positions in the land.
The Collusion
This is a dance for two! You basically link arms with your partner so that you’re facing opposite directions, then spin around and around, noticing how easy it is and how natural it feels. This is probably the way the Trump campaign felt when they were actively conspiring with Russia to get Donnykins elected! Stop your spinning abruptly, then fall to the ground in a heap, symbolizing how it’s all coming crashing down around Trump and his merry band of idiots now. Notice how unnatural, scary, and bad that feels, and think, “Oh, so this is why Trump is denying the whole thing, because it’s scary to think your crimes are going to be exposed and something that was going really well is going to be upended and your life ruined. Duh! Now you see it all so clearly, and his you realized his protestations are meaningless and what anyone would do, guilt or not, in the same situation. Now get back up and do it again!
The Global Warming Isn’t Happening
Place your feet shoulder-width apart. Make a circle shape with your hands in front of you. Then use your hands to simulate the rising of smoke, you know, because the world is literally burning up before our eyes. Now mime-cough, as in pantomime a coughing gesture. And mime-cough, and mime-cough, and mimey- mimey- mime-cough! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Work it out! Work it out! Keep it going! Keep it going! Now insert some of your own pantomimes of actions you associate with pollution or its side effects! Good–there you go!
The Internet Disinformer
Did all our differently-abled friends think we forgot about them in all the rug-cutting fun? Never! We found a dance that is just for our wheelchair-bound friends and, thus, is meant to be performed in a seated position. So sit down, if you’re not already. First, stick your neck out, down, and up like a turtle–or a RWNJ (Right Wing Nut Job) peering at his (and not her, because women and other gender categories don’t matter). Next, point your finger in front of you to your right, then in front of you to the middle, then in front of you to your left. That’s a funky manifestation of the act of lecturing other people about stupid right-wing conspiracy theories!
And: If guns are a public health issue, then we have a simple solution.
It’s Never Too Late to Gyrate!
That was fun, wasn’t it SYRW readers? We know you loved it, so don’t even try to deny it! Take a moment to cool down and have a big glass of water to rehydrate!
Make sure you consult your right-wing doctor before starting this or any exercise program, SYRW readers. SYRW absolves itself of any responsibility for injuries you sustain partaking in the above toe-tapping fun, which, let’s face it, are likely, given that if you’re a member of the right wing of the political spectrum, and thus, are, like, a million years old. That being said, we hope that knowing all about the hot, hot, hot-but-not-because-of-global-warming-because-that’s-not-happening dance moves everyone who’s anyone in the Alt-world is moving their oh-so-white asses to leads to some serious fun, fitness, and fantabulousness for you. You’re not the fittest bunch, let’s be honest.
Also: Read all about the shocking truth behind Erik Prince’s Seychelles’ meeting.
We better be off to search for the latest in idiotic, right-wing entertainment news to fill you in on next week. Until then, dear SYRW readers, remember: dance like no one except Cambridge Analytica is watching.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
