Round and round it goes, with no end in sight./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, roberaten.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
If you’re feeling a little blah one what is an overcast, rainy day in Washington, D.C., I have just the titillating info about our favorite Alt-administration to fill you in on. There’s nothing like gawking and leering at innocuous–even inane–things to make stressful life situations that you’re personally invested in seem more bearable, right, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? Right!
Now, to say there’s a lot of employee turnover at the Trump White House is like saying Kellyanne Conway’s hair could use a hot oil treatment–stating the obvious! This one’s in, that one’s out, this one’s rumored to be leaving, that one denies there’s any talk of getting rid of that one only to fire that one the next day. The revolving door of secretaries, advisor, and counselors in the Trump Administration is enough to make your head spin, require Dramamine for the motion sickness, and even make you look into those acupressure bracelets that are supposed to treat nausea.
All this in-and-out requires–no, not a burger–but carefully-considered and methodically-executed crowd control. “Careful,” “method,” and “control” are not high on Trump’s list of favorite things. He’s more of a “reckless,” “haphazard,” and “flailing about” kind of man, which is one of the things we Alt-ers love about him. It’s so manly, so white-manly. He’s not going to be reined in by the imposition of order, rules, and–gasp!–regulation! Not in a million years, my dear SYRW readers!
Related: What Watership Down could tell us about the fate of the right wing!
One at a Time
As right-wingers, we’re a community who favors a mob mentality, conformism, and boilerplate behavior, as everyone knows. We take pride and comfort in the fact that our personalities, visages, and comportment are pretty much interchangeable. This is one of the things that bonds us so tightly together. Diversity in any respect would make things too chaotic, unpredictable, and helter-skelter, and it’s so much harder for our leaders to argue a point when their audience-members think for themselves.
Similarly, a constantly moving mass of people, in this case, staffers, makes it hard, if not impossible, to establish and maintain an orderly process of entrance and egress a the White House. That, my dears, is a safety hazard, especially when some staffers, like ex-Trump-right-hand-man, are forced out of their positions before they can get a security clearance. Hence, one of my oh-so-connected White House sources told me, Trump took the advice of the fed-up-to-here Secret Service members tasked with watching over His Toddlerness and is having turnstiles installed in the White House. One will control the parade of just-hireds coming into the White House, while another will force into submission the complementary procession of just-fireds leaving it.
The turnstiles will require a ticket to be inserted into them in order to move, and once a new hire or fire is through the turnstile, it will eject it back out for the user to take it back.
And: See what happened when Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced her latest employment-related decision.
Vinyl, But Not For Records
Once inside the Maison Blanche, visitors, as the people hired to work in the mile-a-minute HR disaster of the Trump admin, another source told me, those vinyl belts stretching out from waist-high poles will encourage comers-and-goers to form lines. My source tells me that Trump fears that the new right-wing trend of disdain for protocol and long-established rules that he helps worsen on a daily basis by disregarding centuries of norms, codes, and conventions of presidential behavior will encourage an environment in which newly hired and fired people try to climb over and under the vinyl-rope -line-establisher-thingies, and they just can’t have a stampede situation add to the disaster-area nature of life at the White House. Don’t worry, though–Trump isn’t about to change any of his ways– his tweeting, his impromptu press conferences where he drops bombshells, his announcing decisions that fly in the face of what advisers thought he was going to do. Never! That would make him less of a toddler-in-a-suit, not as much of an asylum-resident-running-the-asylum, and barely a nobody-tells-me-what-to-do-and-say manchild. And that would less “Trump!”
Also: Get the deets on the creative ways White House staffers are using their FitBits.
Keep It Moving, People
A third source tells me that the employee lines will snake back and forth until those in them reach a podium at which a bored, dissatisfied worker sits at a podium in latex gloves and wordlessly and without making eye contact will motion for entrees to display his (and only “his,” because women and other gender categories don’t matter). A machine will spit out a stylish piece of jewelry of varying colors made of paper and some other substance that’s impossible to rip apart when you want to take it off, depending on how long the entree is expected to stick around. A date and time stamp on the wear-tear-and-water-resistant bracelet will make it easy for Secret Service agents and other permanent staff, such as cafeteria workers and housekeeping, to see if he should still be on the premises. The over-it-all worker will then emit a loud, borderline rude sigh, as he encircles the wrist in front of him with the comely wristlet.
Oh, The Lack of Humanity
It just doesn’t get any wackier, zanier, and completely ineffectual, does it, SYRW readers and my favorite Gossipin’ Gabbies? Some–likely of the liberal persuasion–would find this non-stop employment tempest worrisome, wondering how anything will get done, and just what–if any–clear goals this trainwreck, er…uh, swiftly and purposefully moving Acela…is going to get anything accomplished. In fact, one might even wonder if this endless-hurricane quality makes our nation vulnerable to all sorts of internal and external bad actors, which the right is supposed to be oh-so-concerned with. Oh, well, hell’s bells, and stick a fork in it. I guess we’ll just have to wait until another monumental disaster to look back and wish we hadn’t voted this Giant Orange Butthead into office!
Until next time, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
