Pack your clothes in as if packing heat–a gun reference, woo hoo!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, natapro.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados!
If you’ve got your itinerary, accommodations, and other travel considerations are taken care of for your next Alt-inspired jaunt, the only thing left to do is pack. That can be easier said than done, as the prospect of packing sends can send our right-wing minds, limited as they are in size and ability, reeling with all the choices to make and the restrictions to be aware of. Never fear! Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) is here for you, as always, we’ve got some suitcase and carry-on filling tips for your next non-eco-friendly, mini-imperialist jaunt to a lesser nation (all of them besides our dear U.S. of A.) or within the what we constantly call the greatest nation on Earth without really thinking about what that would entail.
Following this inspired pointers will make the getting to and back from wherever you’re going much less unpleasant than those can be. Then you’ll have more energy to gawk at locals; chew gum loudly everywhere you go and drop the wrappers on the ground; and mostly watch movies in your hotel room and order overpriced room service.
A Numbers Game
First, check with the airplane, train, ship, bus or whatever else carrier you’re using too see how many bags you can check for free with the price of your ticket. Try to stay at or under that number, but if you can’t, no biggie–we on the right-wing have plenty of disposable income, right, SYRW readers.
Loaf Around!
Now, open the first suitcase you wish to pack. The best tip we ever got was to roll all our clothes into a loaf-shape. This saves so much space inside your suitcase that you’ll be shocked. Then you’ll have more room for the politically-conservative publications you might want to bring along, to make sure your Alt-game doesn’t get rusty while you’re away, and/or the charging cords for the digital devices that will allow you to check the Internet as often as possible while on your trip to make sure you’re up-to-date on all the ways Trump is poisoning the American democracy while you sip Mai Tais on the beach.
If you shake out all the wrinkles in your clothes and fold them nice and neat before rolling into a tube-like formation, you don’t have to worry about wrinkles caused by doing this. We’ve done it a million times, trust us.
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Avoid Spills
If you’re simply just not as Alt-beautiful as you wish to be without certain cosmetics, toiletries, and makeup products you use at home–and let us assure you: you’re not–we have a couple good tips for you to ensure a spill-free suitcase or carry-on, whichever type of luggage you want to put your “bathroom items” in.
If you’re putting them in your suitcase, do it last, as you can put some sort of plastic, like a trash bag, on top of your clothes, for an extra barrier between your apparel and your toiletries. It’s like the barriers between each branch of the federal government that exist in America in the form of checks and balances that President Donald Trump is doing away with every day in his steady march toward authoritarianism.
Now, you can go the older-school route and put each bottle, tub, tube, etc. in a Ziploc bag or many in a large one, then put those inside a Dopp kit-type bag. Or you can unscrew the cap of any product that allows you to do so, put a thin layer of plastic wrap on top of the opening, then screw the cap back on. Either of these methods should prevent spills in your luggage, unlike the spilling of blood and guts that happens each time President Trump initiates another employee-related bloodbath at the White House.
Pack just a few tops, bottoms, shoes, and accessories that you can mix-and-match, so you’re not lugging a behemoth of a suticase around everywhere you go. After all, Trump’s doing the same to the federal government, leaving open positions that need to be filled to ensure the proper functioning of the federal government. And we know you SYRW readers, like all of us here at the website, like to put a little Trump in everything you do.
And: The lessons for conservatives in Richard Adams’ Lapine classic Watership Down.
Odds and Ends
“Odd” like when people say our dear President Trump is “smart,” “End” like the end of the world when the environmental apocalypse comes faster than any of us had imagined, thanks to Trump and his Admin’s global-warming-denial.
Anywho, put your passport and other documents in a safe place, maybe a pouch or fabric envelope meant just for such things, and return them to it after each use. You don’t want to delay returning to your U.S. home, given that it might look wholly different than it did when you left, depending on the extent of the damage Trump will have done to it while you were away.
Pack an extra day or two of any medications you take, and carry them in your personal carry-on. In case your checked baggage gets lost or rerouted, or your return flight is delayed or canceled, you’ll always have your meds with you, that way. And you’re going to want to be in top shape so you can come home to the stars-and-stripes land to be murdered by environmental deregulation, a lack of healthcare thanks to Trump’s Health and Human Services picks, or His Orangeness’ doing away with all sorts of federal safeguards meant to protect citizens to appease his anti-“Deep State” base.
Wear socks, so your bare feet don’t have to touch the airport floor when you take your shoes off at security. Again, this is a great time to reaffirm your Alt-right hatred of Muslims!
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We imagine that reading this article, written, as it was by some of the most wanderlust-ful folks in the SYRW offices, has already made you feel less stressed by the prospect of your next sojourn. You’re welcome! That’s what we’re here for at this website, to give you advice tailored to your regressive and retrograde anti-progressive lifestyle! Remember to curse all Muslims as you’re being subjected to the now-normal security measures the Transportation Safety Authority instituted after the terrorist attacks of September, 11th, which less than 20 out of the world’s one billion Muslims perpetrated. It’s a great way to reinforce your misguided, unfair animus toward adherents of Islam.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
