And-1-and-2-I Hate-My Job!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, georgerudy.
Hello, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. Hope you’re well on this decidedly digital day, you tech lovers!
With our exclusive access to anyone and any place related to the Trump White House and Administration, combined with our interest, in the SYRW Tech Department, in all things non-analog, we’ve got some neato news for you this week. We heard murmurs that pretty much everyone on Team Trump has a FitBit, the fitness tracker that’s taken the wrist-having world by storm. As you know, dear readers, it tracks and logs many body metrics such as heartbeat, steps taken, respiration, and so on and so forth. But some members have found ways to have their FitBits keep a log of some more specifically Trump-related metrics. Here’s the scoop!
Paper Bags Are So 2015
Remember 2015, when this was all., and people still breathed into paper bags to calm down a fit of hyperventilating. No one really thought it was possible back them, including the political right, or even Trump and his campaign team, according to Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House by Michael Wolff, that a Trump presidency would. Apparently, it was and is! And so, here we are. The past year and three months have seen more rejections at the White House than a season of The Bachelor. Preibus is fired, Cohn, quits, Tillerson’s fired, and those are just three names in a list of Trump staff exits that’s at 35, reported CNN. There are more to come, according to this report by NBC News.
One Trump staffer who agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity has found a way to use her FitBit to track her hypervigilance vis a vis her fear of getting fired. Anytime she sees coworkers whispering and looking in her direction, reads another one of Trump’s tweets about his dissatisfaction with a staffer, or hears a cable news anchor talk about a personnel “bloodbath” to come, as Fox News put it, she begins exhibiting signs of a panic attack. Two of these symptoms include quickening respiration and rapid heartbeat, both of which her FitBit keeps a record of.
Related: The 10 movies every Trump supporter must see!
“At the end of the day, I look through my FitBit’s daily respiration and heart rate logs and think, ‘Oh, it was a mildly-not-horrific day,’ or ‘Oh, this looks right–I did lock myself in a bathroom stall to cry 18 times today,” said the staffer.
These Sensible Heels Were Meant for Walking
Another, once again anonymous staffer said her FitBits step tracker is the most important to her. One one of her first days as a member of the White House staff, she said, she noted how many steps she took. That number remained largely, even remarkably, consistent for weeks, then months after. Hence, she had an idea of how many steps she takes in a day at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. If she notices more steps counted by her personal fitness tracking device, she knows they were steps she took to walk out of the building after an in-the-moment decision to quit her job. She can then can count how many sad, resigned steps she took back into the building after losing her nerve, too, then.
And with the advanced capabilities of not a FitBit Blaze, not a FitBit Fire, but a FitBit arson, she can see even more telling information that her wrist-buddy records.
“When I get home, I can see what time I took the steps away from the building and back, then I can compare that time to when the daily White House disasters of the previous day occurred,” she said, with a forced smile that quickly turned into quiet, chin-to-chest weeping.
Come In, Sir–But Hopefully Not for Long
A third anonymity-guaranteed staffer told us he uses his FitBit Ocular in the moment at work to see what happens to his eye blink rate when General John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff knocks on his door.
“I’m scared of him. He makes me nervous, because if he comes to my office, it’s usually to lay the blame for something Trump did on me,” this staffer said.
Studies by psychologists have found that stress can induce “excessive blinking,” which WebMD also notes.
“I feel like it might also be connected to how my eyes seem to get dry when I get upset, like the blinking is my body’s way of relieving that dryness,” the staffer said.
And: What do the consistency levels of foods have to do with political consistency–find out!
Night Terrors-ism
And finally, one staffer doesn’t begin her Trump-staff-related tracking until she gets home.
“I wear my FitBit to bed. The next morning I look at how many times I woke, both times I was aware of and times that were imperceptible to me the previous night,” the staffer, also speaking on the condition of anonymity, told us.
He said the more chaotic the day at the White House, the more fitful his night of sleep is, he’s found. He tosses, turns, adjusts his pillow, gets up to use the bathroom, reaches over to check his phone, sometimes even getting up and doing some work until he feels sleepy enough to return to bed.
“I can’t go on like this much longer. I hate my job–hate, hate, hate it. The reason I stay is a secret we all over at the White House have agreed to keep, but I can’t get out unless I’m fired or there’s legal trouble for me if I don’t, like there was for Hope Hicks,” he said.
Oh, the horrors of working or President Donald Trump and what a joy it is to turn them into news stories and bring them to you in weekly posts on an Alt-right lifestyle blog. We’re referring, of course, to SYRW. It’s pretty amazing how these Trump staffers will do anything, even make use a fun fitness tracker in creative ways, to avoid just quitting and getting different jobs. What they’re getting out of working for this dumpster fire on a trainwreck when that train collides with a mountainside head-on, we’re not totally sure. But we’re always glad to know new tech-related info and apprises our readers of it.
Until next week, readers, remember: the revolution is being digitized.
And: Trump and Trump admin-member-inspired museum exhibits.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
