Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!/Image Credit: Licensed Adobe Stock, Henry Shmitt.
By Illget Youmypretty, Guest Contributor
We Alt-right Republicans, like the staff here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) wanted President Donald Trump to “drain the swamp,” of career politicians who understood how to get things done, slowly and orderly, in favor of a know-nothing head of state who would a team of kakistocracrats, those least fit to run his cabinet. And we got our wish! We love it. It gets more chaotic, undisciplined, and even nonsensical every day. I say, let’s take it to the next level.
Watching Sam Nunberg act like a four-year-old after ingesting a grande Pike Place Roast with 17 shots of espresso, sweating and talking like a meth addict during a media blitz in which he said he would refuse to cooperate with Special Counsel Robert Mueller was splendiferous. It thrilled me to the point that I was clapping and screaming at the TV screen as I saw Nunberg meltdown. For a moment, it like I was watching a scene from Network, except CNN and MSNBC didn’t manipulate or exploit Nunberg. He made a spectacle of himself of his own volition. This is how we Trump supporters are Making America Great Again: by supporting the carrying out of politics as a combination of the showmanship of P.T. Barnum and the nonsensicalness of one of the Mad Hatter’s tea party.
This week, Trump wasted no time, the hard-working, stable, genius, with a touch of Alzheimer’s he is, in imposing steel and aluminum tariffs without consulting any of his economic advisers or Republican Congressional leaders, which CNBC reports he may have done in a rush to preempt any discussion on the issue. His old pal, Carl Icahn, also sold stock in a steel company he had about $30 million invested in, so that added an insider trading possibility to the ill-advised policy decision cake. Obama and Hillary’s emails were too smart to ever do something so blatant, shameless, and insulting to the intelligence of the American people. These people are not even bothering to hide how they’re making fools of you, people! Have a little dignity, for God’s sake!
Economic adviser Gary Cohn then quit in protest. Another one bites the dust! Good riddance! If you can’t take the high winds, duck into a tornado shelter, wimps. Trump is a tall, blustery, unhinged, Alt-president in a rage. We don’t need anyone but him to run our democracy into the ground. This fact may behind Trump’s intent to fire Chief of Staff Gen. John Kelly next–then, rumor has it he’ll do the unthinkable, and fire Javanka, according to Gabriel Sherman at Vanity Fair. Previously, his son-in-law and daughter were thought to be perpetually safe from the daily, increasing mayhem at 1600 Pennsylvania.
To make matters even more deliciously lacking in rhyme-or-reason with, he agreed, again with no input from staff, to sit down and talk nuclear detente with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Previously, he taunted and one-upped Jong Un on Twitter and in speeches, behaving like the schoolyard bully we like him to be.
So, on to that next level I mentioned. I recommend he fire everyone in the White House–from the housekeeping staff to the entire cabinet. Then he should replace them with random people he grabs off the street. Could I be one of them? Oh, a girl can dream, can’t she? He should then divorce First Lady Melania and marry a crack-addicted prostitute he meets in a seedy neighborhood in Washington, D.C.
That kakistocracy-to-be will put the current one to shame. Everyone in the White House will know even less about the departments, Interior, Housing an Urban Development, Education, and several others they’re charged with leading.
Just walking down Connecticut Avenue, NW, I met a bedraggled, rail then woman whom I asked if she would marry President Trump. She chuckled and said while itching her bottom, “I sure do…I would.” She said she would make her pet FLOTUS cause the reintroduction of smoking cigarettes in public spaces. See–it would work.
And: Have you heard what Melania’s new pet FLOTUS cause is–you gotta see it to believe it!
Trump was a “Reality TV” “star,” so he could even travel around the country holding auditions American Idol-style. Contestants on “Administration Idol” could enter a room with him two fellow judges seated next to him with cups emblazoned with the logo of the high-calorie soda always in front of them. Trump could ask them to say in one minute what they would do as, say, EPA Director.
When I asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders about my idea in Friday’s press briefing, all the liberal Fake News media serious journalists looked at me like I was Sam-Nunberg-level cukoo.
Sanders replied, “For once I don’t have to say, ‘I’ll get back to you,’ or ‘I don’t know.’ The President would surely love your ideas. You and I should talk after.” We did, and she smiled so hard I thought her face would burst. She said the President would surely like to speak to me and she promised to relay my ideas to him. I never heard back, but that’s exactly what I wanted: MORE chaos! Yes! No plan, no following through on anything, no stable opinions. It should just be wild, erratic flailing about like tree limbs during a Nor’easter
Please, SYRW readers, call the White House Comment Line at 800-Sou-lless and fill the president’s voicemail with ideas about how to take the bedlam to ever higher levels. Everyone must stand on their heads at all times! No one may eat anything but Everlasting Gobstoppers on the White House campus! The official language of the Presidency is Pig Latin and all employed by Trump must only speak it! No dress clothes allowed at work, only flower-print housecoats and plastic shower caps for both men and women! All White House employees must break at least five physical items in the White House each day! Do you see where I’m going with this?
You do? I don’t. That’s the point the maelstrom of behavior I want to see at Trump’s White House! No one will ever know what to expect, not the staff, the media, paid political pundits on TV–not even Trump’s mouthpiece, Fox News. It’ll just be a senile man thrashing about like a shark in confinement, and his staff’s doing the same.
We’ll just….well, we’ll just see what happens! It’s not like we have anything to lose. We on the right don’t feel white guys and their dutiful wives and privileged children are in charge anymore, so we really don’t care what happens to this country. We just want our guns.
Also: Products to help you tell the nation’s kids we value guns over them.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
