sBeing a right-wing nut job can sure stop up that blood flow sometimes./Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, Dimid.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers! This topic is probably one of our most out-there yet. Vein health for the conservative community. Or is it out there? We may act like heartless a-holes with ice in our veins, but in reality, most of us do seem to have some semblance of a circulatory system. And it needs taking care of just like that of liberals, centrists, and others on the political spectrum. The following are some tips for making sure your very-right veins are pumping in great condition, courtesy of the good folks at Life Enhancement.
Vhy Veins?
They carry the liquid of life, the tincture of sentience, the fluid of fanciful fun–blood–back to the vein to be oxygenated after their domestic partners, the arteries, carry it throughout our bodies for as their own vital work. So, we must keep these puppies in good pumping condition, especially because, as members of the conservative crowd, everything that makes us human is grinding to a halt with each passing day in the Trump Era. And before it, but even faster, now.
The E Word
If you’re anything like us here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), you’re getting a little tired of hearing how exercise is the answer to all of life’s problems. But our tiredness could probably be helped by exercise, right? Getting moving is so important for every system in the human body, and veins are no exception. So, get up, and shake your groove thang, let loose your limns, and foxtrot with your feet! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! We see you! It’s your birthday! It’s your birthday! Turn on some Kid Rock, some Amy Grant, some Lynrd Skynrd, some gospel, some Ted Nugent, some whoever and move those maracas. As Penny said in Dirty Dancing, “God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake ‘eeeeeeeeem!”
Get to Knows the Hose
Related: Some ways to spoonfeed info to someone who just ain’t getting it–like Trump!
This next suggestion may not be the sexiest or more youthful, but it works pretty well for a spectacular vascular system. It’s compression stockings. If you’re already like, “Oh, hell naw!” just hear us out. Think of them as Spanx for your legs! That’s a little more youthful and sexy, after all. And also: grow up! This is your life we’re talking about. So go to the pharmacy get a pair of nude leg-restrictors and pull ’em on. It’s such a chore to get these bad boys on, you may accomplish both the exercise and the compression at once. Compression helps your veins,
Desk-ies Can Be So Pesk-ies
In case you hadn’t heard, “Sitting is the new standing,” as Fiona (Rene Russo) said in The Intern. It’s a bummer for our health in so many ways, and what it could do to our veins is one of them. It discourages circulation, so if you sit at a desk for a good portion of your day, get up and walk about periodically and for at least one good chunk of time (twenty-plus minutes). If you’re a leg-crosser in the seated position, uncross as much as possible. This is where the right-wing could come in, too! If you have a man’s genitalia, then think of it is freeing that which the right-wing patriarchy is based on. If you have a va-j-j think of it as opening the world up to the only part of you the right wing cares about–well, along with your boobs. And if you’re any gender in between those two poles, the right just doesn’t even think you exist, so there’s that.
High-Altitude Livin’
And: Some ideas on using decor choices to attempt to delegitimize the left.
Ready for some fun? Elevate your legs above your heart for ten to fifteen minutes per day. Try falling backward onto a bed and then staying still with your legs in the air (if you’re a conservative woman, this should sound familiar). Or, imagine that God asked to see the soles of your feet and show him, dammit–show him! Or try propping your legs up on some furniture as you watch Fox News or read the laughable book just out, The Faith of Donald J. Trump by David Brody and Scott Lamb–we are people of faith, many but not all of us at SYRW, and it’s insulting that someone would pretend that Don Jon isn’t the most spiritually bankrupt human alive. But it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round, we suppose.
Binge on Bulk
We thought we’d round out this article by coming full circle with more advice you’re likely tired of hearing by now. Eat fiber! This irreplacable ingredient is, of course, found mostly in fruits and veggies. Some examples of those yummy right-wing foodstuffs you could try would be Conservative Corn–tears through your system like Seema Verma’s doing to health care subsidies, right?, Arch-Conservative Arugula–bitter about having to share the cultural spotlight women and minorities, or Broccoli Rabe–the second word is just one letter away from rape as in rape culture. Ingesting lots of fiber is necessary for reducing hemorrhoids, which our the spider veins of the digestive system.
Movement Massage
Now, we came up with the following ourselves, we’ll have you know. To keep things moving, particularly in the lower limbs, try five strokes on any body part you can reach applying gentle pressure and a rhythmic up-and-down or side-to-side movement. Hell, why not try ten strokes. Do this while sitting in traffic on the way to your soul-crushing job as a cog in the capitalist machine, while waiting on the phone to donate to Roy Moore’s next political campaign, or while taking a break from chanting, “Build the Wall,” at a Trump rally. Now, we did create this little massage, but you must consult your health-care provider before doing it.
Final Thoughts on Not Getting Blood Clots
Also: See what we suggest for Mike Pence to thaw the diplomatic deep freeze on the Korean peninsula.
If your veins are pumping like they should, you’ll be positively lit from within despite your shriveled lump coal you call a conservative ticker. You’ll glow, despite wanting to take the spotlight off societal others and point it at yourself only. And you’ll have the ruddy, blowsy complexion of someone who isn’t a vampire who lives off the suffering cultural scapegoats.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
