Rob Porter’s out as White House Staff Secretary for President Donald Trump–but you won’t believe (or maybe you will, because it’s part of a pattern) what the position his superiors almost assigned him to!/Image:
Hey, Readers! It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, with some seriously juicy right-wing gossip for you.I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
A Porter in the Storm
Now, it’s no secret to anyone at this point that Rob Porter stepped down as White House Staff Secretary Wednesday when allegations of domestic abuse made by two of his ex-wives surfaced. In a pattern becoming rather familiar in the #metoo era, Porter stepped down before he could be fired, which we suppose saves some face, If you say so, right Spread Your Rights Wings (SYRW) readers?
Here’s the really stunning part of the Porter story though: just before his resignation this week, Porter was set to take the reins of the White House Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Task Force. Mind-boggling, yes, but when you think of it in the context of a common practice in our dear Trump admin, it makes a little more sense,
Chaos Is the Name of the Trump Political Game
We voted our dear, monumentally-unfit-for-the-job Don Don into office because we didn’t want it to be business as usual. And it sure hasn’t been, my Chatty Cathys and SYRW readers, has it? This is the most…unorthodox, shall we say, White House ever, And one of the ways this is the case is the people they charge with jobs you might think would be the last place they’d end up.
“The Trump administration makes it a point,” told me one of my very-connected-D.C.-insider sources, “to appoint not only unqualified but diametrically opposed people to prominent positions.”
It’s true, isn’t it?: A communications industry yes-man, Ajit Pai, is Chairman of the Federal Reserve Commission; someone who has no background or credentials in education, Betsy Devos, is Secretary of Education; and a climate-change denier, Scott Pruitt, is Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency. You kick ass, take names, and gut the accomplishments of the organizations you run, Trump appointees.
Next In Line…Not So Much
“President Trump wanted to get new, fresh perspectives on all these issues, including sexual assault and domestic violence. That’s why he put someone accused of domestic violence in charge of tackling that issue nationwide. Rob knew–knows–that issue like the back of his fist…er, hand..,” said another one of my sources with knowledge of Porter’s last weeks on Team Trump.
Alas, it was not meant to be, as Porter’s ex-wives allegations of abuse by Porter came to light, and he resigned,
When another one of my D.C. sources said the following, even I, a die-hard Trumper had a tough time keeping a straight face, but I did–after all, it’s our job to continue supporting Donald Jon and his dunderheaded decisions no matter what: “Think of all the insight, knowledge, and constructive input Rob had to offer on the subject of domestic violence, given that he committed it. Now, that’s all wasted.”
Politics as Unusual
We put a completely unfit and unhinged person in the White House partly because we were tired of the usual political appointees in posts like this. And we sure got what we wanted, Pai has been called a “Verizon puppet,” according to Ars Technica; an influential group of educators gave Betsy Devos gave Betsy Devos an “F” for her first year on the job, reported USA Today. And Scott “I Like It Hot” Pruitt Thursday said climate change could benefit humans, according to CNN. It seems like we were probably just a couple days away from hearing, “Battered wives gain a lot of economic benefit from their situations,” or something along those lines from Rob Porter.
Time Isn’t On Their Side
Part of why we love this shake-it-up-with-morons-in-positions-of-enormous-power is our spurious argument that if the people who normally get these jobs could effect change, why haven’t they, right SYRW readers and conservative busybodies? All of these important issues need outside-the-lines thinking.
The new normal is, then, outside-the-lines, over the top. and beyond the pale. We are giving new meaning to the phrases, “Up is down,” “White is black” Day is night.” Oh, wait–these phrases defined meaninglessness, chaos, and disturbingly nonsensical. In that case, we’re not doing anything new. New is the new old.
Let’s Not Forget the Four-Star Enabler
You didn’t really think I could forget that hunka-hunka-burning-rage, General John Kelly, now did you my conservative Koffee Klatch Kohorts? I didn’t! He was apparently, my sources tell me, a big Porter Supporter. Not too surprising, I say, as this man who was once thought to be–hope to be–a Presidential Panacea for all this sick and diseased about my dear Trump admin, then seen to be an apologist and enabler for it, is now exposed to be a full co-conspirator. Just when I thought my crush couldn’t get any more intense, Oh, swoon!
“By early fall, it was widely known among Trump’s top aides — including chief of staff John Kelly — both that Porter was facing troubles in obtaining the clearance and that his ex-wives claimed he had abused them. No action was taken to remove him from the staff, reported CNN.
But can we blame him? Gen, Kelly probably noticed a flicker of skill or capability beyond the ability that is most apparent and shared by White House staff–the ability to lick boots–and seized on it because he was parched by the drought of competence currently gripping the White House.
Off to a Lunch
Oh, my Gossiping Gabbies and Garys, I simply must run to a lunch with one of my sources now–you didn’t think this inside info came from not drinking a Dirty Marty and talking about nothing at Spago, D.C., did you?
Until next time, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
If you hear anything, don’t hesitate to email me at antisocialbutterfly@whiitehouse.gov. Thanks ever so much!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
