A nice dish of comfort food can really lighten the mood during an interaction no one wants to be involved in!/Image: Licensed Shutterstock stock, dishes below not pictured here.
Good Day, Tasty Traditionalists and Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers!
The Fastest Way to a General’s Heart
Gen. John F. Kelly is not a big fan of his current job.
“I hate it,” he told us of being President Donald Trump’s Chief of Staff. “Hate it, hate it, hate it. Just hate it. It’s the worst. Worse than the worst.” We met Kelly in the White House kitchen to talk about how he uses the magic of breaking bread to break the tension in some #awkward situations. He looked in good spirits, wearing an apron with the words “Get Me Out Of Here” scrawled on it and flour hand-prints on his dark suit underneath. He jumped up to greet us, and we noted he seemed quite happy.
“Oh, that’s just because I’m in the kitchen doing something I love. When I’m out there,” he said, motioning in the direction of the main house. ‘s “…let’s just say it ain’t pretty!” He laughed heartily, his eyes registering a momentary flicker of joy.
We felt sad. We said, “Gen. Kelly, if you’re so happy in the kitchen, why not…you know…do this…full-time..?” Our hearts stopped as the post-question silence stretched into what seemed like hours and Kelly’s expression turned to ice as he straightened his head from a more friendly head-tilt to a menacingly rigid straight-up posure.
“So, anyway! I’ve always loved to whip up goodies in the kitchen–you know, as a way to relax, unwind, decompress,” Kelly began again as if snapping out of a trance.
Making mouth-watering treats in the cucina was a real treat for the senses and also culminated in flavorful fun he could share with others, whether it was at the tail end of a day when he had a job he liked–being a four-star general in the Marines–or at the job he took because, by all accounts, he felt he had to, Trump’s White House Chief of Staff.
So, we asked the occasionally-jovial General to help us make some meals to increase the tension, as he seems to enjoy doing, in situations we have to but don’t want to be in, like his current job.
Related: See how to whip up a batch of Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News-Nincompoop-Kool-Aid
Bon Appetit, SYRW readers!
Never Apologize
A few months ago, Kelly was mired in perhaps his most public kerfluffle to date, when Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-Fl.) accused the President of telling a mourning military widow her late husband “knew what he signed up for,” as reported by The New York Times.
Kelly jumped to Trump’s defense in the White House Press Briefing room, excoriating Rep, Wilson. As an example of her alleged low character, he cited that Wilson bragged of being responsible for securing the funds for an FBI building in Florida in a 2015 speech. A video showed this absolutely not to be the case, according to The Washington Post. Nevertheless, Kelly told the Tampa Bay Times he would “never” apologize.
All-righty, then! Looks like the perfect moment for Kelly’s Sandwich of Not Sorry.
Kelly said he follows this recipe for his Too Proud to Apologize Powerhouse Sandwich at Genius Kitchen. He then sits with the person or people he refuses to apologize to, tearing off each bite of this yummy treat with animalistic force and chewing it slowly.
“I make sure to sit directly across from them, making that scowling face I’m–let’s be honest–kind of becoming famous for,” he said, smirking.
A Swift Kick in the Kiester
And: You’ve gotta try these five hot, hot, hot eateries in Trump-era D.C.!
Kelly said Trump’s latest DACA proposal in the Capital Hill back-and-forth on the future of this hot immigration issue would lend a hand to immigrants “too lazy” to rise up of their “asses” to sign up for it, reported The Washington Post.
Tell us how ya’ really feel, General Kelly!
This situation, Kelly said, jumping up excitedly from his perch on a kitchen stool, called for his Unnecessarily Aggressive Eggplant Parmesan. He jogged gingerly over to a double-wide, stainless steel fridge and took out a large plate. He pulled back the plastic wrap covering the dish on it and insisted we take a bite. It simply melted on our tongues, SYRW readers, and a smile spread across our faces.
“See!” Gen. Kelly said, “It always makes things better,” this recipe he found at My Recipes. “This dish is why I keep being ornery and disagreeable–just so I and others have an excuse to eat this amazing fare!”
If you say, so Gen. Kelly!
Let Us Break It Down For You
Gen. Kelly Tuesday said President Trump hadn’t read the House Democrats rebuttal to Rep. Devin Nunes now-infamous memo released to the public this past Friday. Kelly said the 10-page memo was “too long,” reported The Hil.
“For situations like this, I pull out my Mind-Numbing Memo Mac and Cheese. It’s based on this recipe I found on the Food Network’s website.
He said that in the case of the Schiff Memo, as it’s becoming known, after Adam Schiff (D-Ca.) who helped write it, is unlikely to hold Don Don’s attention.
Also: Three Trump admin all-stars audition to decorate your home!
“So, I’ll feed him a bit of my Mind-Numbing Memo Mac and Cheese, read a paragraph of the memo, and on and on. That way the continued eating of the Mac-n-Cheese, which he would want, is tied to the completion of the memo is tied to continuing to read the memo. Finally, he’ll be ready to go down for his nap!”
SYRW Out!
At this, Gen. Kelly began to weep softly. Then he began to wail. He flung the contents of one of the tables in front of him onto the floor, got up and began banging his head against a wall. He asked, “Why, Lord?! Why?!!”
We backed quietly out of the room leaving him head-banging and crying. We could have used some of his Dishes of Discomfort!
We’re sure you’ll find lots of inelegant and frankly hellish situations that you need to eat your feelings over that these yummy, yummy dishes can help you and all those involved cope with.
There you have it, SYRW readers. Now, chow down!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
