People may try to make us see the truth about Trump, but we simply won’t!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, ellagrin.
Every day something happens that should make us on the right wing and us here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) be completely disgusted with President Donald Trump, regret our decision to vote him into office, and do everything in our power to see to his impeachment. Instead, we double, triple, quadruple-down on our poor decision-making. To admit we were wrong–oh, so, very wrong–would be hurtful to our egos, after all! Tut, tut! We must, must, must find ways to justify, rationalize, and excuse every last thing Don Don does. We like to say Liberals our “too sensitive,’ even likening them to snowflakes. But our deep, dark secret is that we are the most fragile ninnies on the planet.
So, let’s review the top three ways–and one bonus–we saw to it that Trumpy McTrumperson got elected by us despite his immorality, incompetence, lack of ethics, and general idiocy. Come on!
Prelude to a Disaster
How fun was it before the election, huh, ya’ll? Remember the good ol’ days, when it was all exciting, full of hope, there was a clear villain, and we could tell ourselves that once Trump gets into office, it would be the dawn of a new beginning.
Remember saying the following when people would express increasing incredulity as the months went on at our ridiculous intention to vote for this Orange Mess in a snazzy suit?: “He’s saying a lot of things other people aren’t.” Genius! Although, maybe the reason other people didn’t say the things he said is that they were bad things to say…
Here’s a brief list of people who also say things other people don’t: serial killers, Voldemort, dickheads, and marauding gangs of savages, Guess we should elect John Wayne Gacy, the Dark Lord, Martin Shkreli, or a medieval land-pirate to be president in 2020!
Businessmen Are Smart!
Nothing dazzles the American public like a spectacle, a sideshow, a pretty train wreck. The louder, gaudier, tackier, and more garish, something is the more we like it. If there’s a little patriarchal panache, some titillating tantalization, and some ostentatious wealth thrown in, well, we’re on board. Hence, reality TV, and Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice.”
“He made businesses run well on ‘The Apprentice’…he’s going to run the country like a business,” we used to say before Trump became president, making the idiotic leap from he’s good at business, so he’ll be a good president. Those shows were scripted from start to finish, a winner and a loser manufactured by producers. Apparently, real life doesn’t have producers! Well, honestly, this is the first we’ve heard of that!
Now, another part of the businessman-as-present plan we hadn’t really thought through was the business-like parts of being president–managing a team, being responsible for shareholder’s dis/pleasure, succeeding at running something well, Trump had never done. He ran a private family business at his own whims and declared bankruptcy six times, according to The Washington Post. Even if a well-rounded candidate with governing experience had elected him to run, say, the treasury, it should have made us do a Danny Thomas spit-take,
But since when is something that seems awesome on TV not exactly like that in real life? Oh, yeah….now that we think about it, that one time we went to see David Hasselhoff sign headshots at a boat show, he kind of just seemed like a normal guy with really bright teeth and cheesy hair.
Related: See the new species of leech scientists discovered and named, “The Nunes.”
Turn and Face the Change
So sang David Bowie, in his 1971 classic, “Changes,” and so we must do now. But we’ll put on some red-tinted classes and see things the way we want–no worries!
We were so mad at “politics as usual” in Washington, D.C., the corruption, the lying, the unkept promises, our taxes spent on things that seemed unnecessary, even outlandish in their extravagance. And so we said, to explain our allegiance to Trumo: “We need change.”
Now Trump and his mendacious family spend millions on their traveling from Mar-a-Lago, to New Jersey, to Washington, D.C., and we’ll…well, how will we excuse that?
We wanted the swamp drained, and Trump certainly delivered on that, installing a bunch of business buds and people who had seemed to succeed in other areas of life in posts in his government. Now it’s clear that we should have started out smaller than “tearing it all done,” like maybe thoughtful consideration of what it would mean that the Secretary of State, say, would have no experience in international diplomacy, But angry mobs don’t think, their bodies move in response to the reptilian parts of their brains telling them they and/or their tribes are under attack, and it’s a winner-take-all situation.
So we got our change, all right, sort of like getting explosive diarrhea is a change from an upset tummy.
And: Join us on a cruise of the rocky seas of Internet dis/misinformation.
The Last Resort
Of course, no matter what happens, we always have one “argument” to fall back on. If we wanted to look at it logically or dispassionately, we’d call it use of the Tu Quoque logical falllacy in which, “one attempts to discredit an opponent’s position by showing that the person making the argument has been unable to act in accordance with the position being argued for,” according to Psychology Concepts. But we add insult to injury when we use an even more fallacious mode of argument in defending Trump’s latest indefensible act by adding a “two-wrongs-don’t-make-a-right” fallacy to the tu quoque one. So someone’ll say:
Someone: “Donald Trump admitted to, even boasted about, sexually assaulting women on the ‘Access Hollywood’ tape.”
Us: Yeah, but Obama…
Someone: Uh, yeah, NO! No one’s talking about Obama. What about the ‘Access Hollywood’ tape?
Us: The economy’s doing so well…
Someone: First of all, you can’t just chalk all that up to Trump simply because it’s happening temporally in concert with his holding office, and second of all, WHAT ABOUT THE ‘ACCESS HOLLYWOOD TAPE.'”
Us: Well, Hillary sent 33,000 emails from a private server, and…”
Someone: Hi, 9-1-1. I’m with someone who’s clearly having a stroke.
Also: Pull up to the Salad Bar of Truth and make yourself a plate of what you want to believe!
There, There, Dear Fellow Trumpers
There’s no need to feel ashamed that everybody’s laughing at us–everybody in the whole, wide world, in fact. The immediate ego-damage that we fear would result from saying we made a mistake in backing and electing Trump, which would subside in about five minutes–well, that would just be too humiliating. Instead, let’s just continue to support anything and everything Trump does, because there’s a comforting consistency in doing so. And he’s tall, “rich,” white, and bombastic, so it feels good when he tells us he’s going to make everything okay.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
