The new, “soft-authoritarian”-state we live in, where you can be pushed out of a job for not sufficiently sucking up to the boss, is enough to make you sick./Licensed Adobe Stock, kristen grundler.
Yesterday, Andrew McCabe stepped down as Deputy Director of the FBI, according to NBC News. This means he was pushed out by Republican, Trump-loyalist bullies, Stalin-stye. It occurred to us here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) that workplace purges will be the new normal. Well, clearly, given that we are on the right wing of the political spectrum, we always have our priorities straight and our workin’-it wits about us. So, as 2018 turns into 1984, here are some fashion pointers, the sartorial equivalent of holding your hair back as you upchuck into the toilet! The boss is in a bad mood, so you’re co-worker’s fired? As she barfs her way out, you’ve gotta protect yourself from flying, former stomach contents.
Splish, Splash, I Was Taking a Bath
So sang Bobby Darin in his 1958 classic. He probably meant water, but we mean in the contents of the intestines of your job, as your boss sticks his finger down your throat and the throats of your fellows. You must not protest at this violation, lest you be next on the list of firees! All you can do is keep silent and come prepared. If you’re a woman, you should think about smiling more, too.
So the first thing to keep in mind is the chest area. This is among the first parts of you people see. It need always be presentable, not littered with the stains of exploded ex-coworkers! Heavens, no! The best thing to prevent boob-area mess, then, is this: a bib. Who says bibs are for babies only! Tut, tut. They can be very effective at protecting the spiffy work attire of adults who are in the midst of an authoritarian bloodbath, too. Normally, if you’re a good little capitalist heterosexist patriarchy conformist, you’ll be looking down at your desk as the next McCabe is forced out of his job in a soft coup that replaces non-partisans with Trump rectum-lickers. But it’s natural to look up in terror every once in a while at the passing of a menacing shadow nearby or the eerie sounds of footsteps behind you as you wait to be axed. Don’t be hard on yourself. Just buy a good bib and tie it on for when this happens and the blood and guts are headed your way.
Body Cover Beautiful
Of course, you need to protect your threads from the stomach down as well. This is where an on the job apron can come in handy. And we don’t mean a starched pinafore, either. We mean a full, plastic, butcher’s apron. A dainty smock isn’t really going to cut it as you shoot the breeze with co-workers next to the rolling, bloody heads of people you used to be friends with and have to watch cry themselves home when the boss fires them on a whim. You need armor. Like a one-inch-thick body shield. This is war…er, work.
Playing With Fire Footsie
The ground, where angels fear to tread, is where stuff gets real. If this hasn’t been real enough for you. You’re going to want to put a barrier between your stylish footwear and the entrails, corpses, unidentifiable innards, and chunks of flesh all around.
And: Three Trump admin officials audition to decorate your home.
Hey, there, hospital booties! Like bibs for the non-baby, those blue or green surgical-room foot covers can serve all kinds of purposes for the non-medical among us. When Daddy Donald “removes” people like expendable non-living-entities for not being “loyal,” for example, is a great time to order a box of these disposably dandy pup-covers. When work’s over, you can just slide them off and be on your way. No harm, no foul. Except for the stench of putrefying flesh in the midst of democratic decay.
Hand Jobs for the Head Hottie
Oh, yeah, we said that. What we meant is, when the boss demands you witness all this wanton, willy-nilly wasting of superiors, subordinates, and other sad souls, and you capitulate, because you’re among the most repugnant people on the planet, a Congressional Republican Nazi sympathizer, well, you’re not going to want to damage your hands! What would you do when, next on his list of basic instinct ballsiness is the big, orange cheese’s ordering you to pleasure him with your dukes. We’re sorry, what’s that? You don’t want to? Well, there are lots of people who will do that and worse–er, more–so your ass is so fired that all the water in the world isn’t going to put it out.
Authors of Authoritarianism
Make no mistake, American citizenry, what you’re witnessing is the complete and total degradation and dismantling of the republic–one nation, six-feet-under. And it’s going not with a bang, but a sad, frightened whimper. A bang is for people with a mission, like terrorists. This is a nudge, nudge, nudge, because…oh, well, who cares.
We’re all complicit, because we’re standing here, watching, as Trump violates and brutalizes the Constitution. The people who could stop it all now, Congressional Republicans, Trump handlers, and the worst of the worst, the devils-in-Jersey-Shore-wear at Fox News, will be judged mercilessly by history–and us now, But, what do they care, they had a good run while they were here. And they kept their apparel oh-so-lovely the whole time, also, by guarding it against pieces of errant cookie-toss. And now you have the info to do the same!
Later, conservative cuties! See you on the flip side of the one-at-a-time overthrow! Oh, look at that: the Satan-loving Republicans are setting the scene for the beheading of Rod Rosenstein next, according to the New York Times. Get to the guillotine to watch, and cheer like the mob of morons we are!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
