Get on board or feel the wrath of our ballot-box sword, local anti-Trump politicians!/Licensed Adobe Stock, marls.
How are we doing, my questioning conservative readers? This week in Spread Your Right Wings‘ (SYRW) Advice column, I, Dr, Kaylee MacEnnaKnee, LCSW, who, like Trump, am completely unfit to give advice on any topic, offer you counsel on another important and nuanced issue. This time, I weigh in on a reader’s query about a local county politician she hopes to convert to Trumpism. Brava, to use an uncomfortably ethnic phrase, to this reader, remembering, as she is, that all politics is local. The revolution will be televised–on closed circuit TV at a painfully long county council meeting!
Dear Dr, MacEnnaKnee, LCSW,
I live on the West Coast in a decidedly politically centrist county, and I’m having an issue with a local politician. My county council representative is acceptable, i.e., Republican, but he’s one of those sticks in the mud who seems to sincerely believe in service to his constituents, the value of democratic institutions, and respecting the rule of law as sacrosanct. Anachronistic much? He’s so…pre-2016. Blech! Needless to say, he’s a Never Trumper, Obviously, I’ve thrown flaming bags of dog doo on his front stoop every week since the 2016 election, but that’s more for my personal satisfaction than anything else–and like a good Trump-ite, my personal gratification is enormously important to me. Don’t worry about that! I do want ask your advice on something very un-Trump-ite-ish, which is effecting positive political change. I know all about distrusting the political establishment, and voting an inept kelptocrat into office, of course. But I need help bringing about political in a way that isn’t just, like, tearing it all down in a rage–weird, right? Still: how do I get this county council dude aboard the Trump train?
Vexed in Verden
Related: Learn how to make a lip-smacking jug of Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News-Nincompoop-Kool-Aid!
Dear Vexed,
Ah, my dear Trump supporting readers, how happy you make me! You’re engaged–in the degradation of the republic, passionate–acting out with peurile temper tantrums, and thoughtful–about you, you, you! This is how we’ll win the cultural war we’re in against liberals who want to build up civil society through egalitarian, almost commune-like policies.
Now, what’s a better teacher than history, Vexed? Certainly not me, though I do think no end to myself, hiding a deep shame and fear, like a good Alt-lady. But, as they say, those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Or, better put, those who learn from history and then repeat it are spectacular fools. So let’s get down to some spectacularly foolish business!
Why not ask for a meeting with your local traditional-Republican county council member in his office? Bring along some McDonald’s, as the fastest way to a man’s heart is through victuals that are bad for it–also, any other food might be poisoned by Hillary’s emails. Smile, nod, and set a warm tone with innocuous chatter about the weather, sports, and the latest Netflix binge-watchable series that everyone’s talking about. After this buttering up, slowly turn the conversation to more serious matters.
Now say to this council member: here’s why you should support Trump, who’s slowly drifting the U.S. into authoritarianism. It worked like a charm for the Germans during, and certainly after, Hitler’s reign! Hitler rose to power not as eminently fairly as Trump did, but Trump is imitating his movement and behavior in office a lot: creepy, mob-mentality rallies; appealing to the disenfranchised electorate’s desire for a strong leader/Daddy figure; embodying our perceived disrespect of our nation in the perceived disrespect of each of us and vice versa; vilification of minorities; and antagonization of the media. Look how well that turned out! It ended in 6 million lives lost in a genocide, and a cultural humiliation so complete it’s oft-cited as the lowest point in human history, and it pretty much was. So, we’re good there.
Now say to this council member: it worked for the Italians around the same time, too. Again, they didn’t necessarily elect Mussolini, as the Electoral College did Trump. In fact, he just took over, with force and totality–admirably manly and ballsy, no? Anyhow, sure the Italians ended up hating Mussolini so much for ravaging their country so thoroughly that they beat, stoned, and hung upside down Mussolini’s dead body in a public forum. Clearly the sign of people who were happy with the way things had gone. Remind your council member pal, that whatever he wants to say about Musso-to-the-lini, that lovely guy made the trains run on time, as the saying goes, just as Trump is making the stock market climb and climb. Whatever price we have to pay–and it’s a hefty one–is worth it. Momentary monetary gratification, stimulation of our base desires, and surface-level appeasement areworth, apparently, anything.
And finally, remind your county council executive friend that the pretend-democracies of the Arab world, complete with rigged elections, voter intimidation, and secret-police brutality are wildly popular with the citizens they affect! Nevermind that whole “Arab Spring” thing. Spring is just a prelude to Summer. The Summer of Our Discontent, which right now feels like an almost drug-like high, but will someday come back to bite us in the ass like a ‘roided-up Rottweiler who hasn’t eaten in a month. But we’ll cross that sharp-toothed bridge when we come to it.
Peace Out, County Council Dude
As a closing flourish to wrap up your arguments, pick up a french fry from your shared paper sack of them. Stop it before it gets to your mouth, and look him straight in the eye. Say, “You can either get on board the Trump wagon or be left behind to be eaten by your fellow Republican and Democratic party poopers, like a political Donner Party.” Drop the french fry on his desk, push your chair out from under you, and be gone!
Also: 3 Trump admin stars audition to decorate your home!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
