“Hold me Steve, and Brian–it makes me less scared to kill my conscience.” Seve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade/Image Credit: Salon, AP, Richard Drew.
Bon Appetit, traditionalist tasters! Is this dry, winter weather making you oh-so-thirsty? It sure is doing that to all of us here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). Sometimes you want a break from ho-hum H20, though, if you’re like us. That’s why we’re going to walk you through making a crisp, tasty jug of Grinning-Like-a-Nincompoop Kool Aid. This is the drink of choice at the media outlet that can one day say it was the number one reason the travesty known as Donald Trump was visited on the 321 million people that make up the population of the United States: Fox News. Three of the worst at Fox News are none other than Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade. If you drink our very special tasty brew, you’ll be grinning as you commit horror after horror, and then all the way to the bank.
DO Drink the Kool Aid
Sometimes you wonder if these idiots actually believe what they’re saying, Are they just really stupid or really horrible? Or, worst of all, both? Whatever the case, if you watch the “news” on Fox News and wonder, “How can I, too, say such patently untrue things with such conviction, loud and uncompromising, for my personal benefit in my every life?”, well, you need this Kool Aid recipe. Do you know why we left Dana Perrino off this list of Fox News f—-ups? Because we kind of saw her almost laughing as Rep. John Ratcliffe (R-Calif.) talked about the “secret society” of anti-Trumpers at the FBI. There may still be hope for her. And Shep Smith. He performs perhaps the most vital role in democractic society right now: a voice of reason on Fox News.
“The strange thing is [Deputy FBI Director] Andrew McCabe, who seems to be in the middle of this — and they [Strzok and Page] were certainly working under him, evidently there’s been pressure on Christopher Wray, ‘Can you get rid of this guy? You know, he seems to be a little bit of a problem,'” Kilmeade complained. “And Christopher Wray says not only am I not going to get rid of him, if you make me, I’m going to quit. So everything — I guess he’s backed off. Why does he have an allegiance to McCabe? Why wouldn’t you want a fresh start?”
We thank the good folks at Salon for transcribing this. We just love Fox News so goddamn much, it’s hard for us to watch, so we are grateful we don’t have to!
Ok, so really, Brian Kilmeade? Really? Why wouldn’t we want a fresh start? Ummm….that’s great, can we get one? Like impeach Trump, disband the dead-inside a-holes at your employer Fox News fresh start? Maybe could you get a fresh start doing something that doesn’t contribute to the let’s-not-believe-anything-but-what-suits-us-new-normal? Great, thanks.
Related:: If you read anything but Trump’s tweets, stop! And here’s why
Now, we’re going to show you how to whip up a beverage that’ll help you utter such nonsensical filth with a straight face!
Ingredients: What You’ll Need or Not Need, as the Case May Be
1 packet of Kool Aid
20 oz water
1 Seventh-rate “education”
2 big boobies or 1 small penis
0 morals
1 love of the big bucks
1 willingness to say and do anything.
Procedure: What to Do, Besides Anything for Money
So, let’s go ahead and start out with that sub-par “education,” we assume in mass media or communications. This is the go-to-area for the airiest of the airheads, the kind of people who insist they’re in a fraternity or sorority for the lifelong bonds, not the paying-for-privilege-and-consorting-with-conformists. You’re going to want to do that for about four years, chewing a pencil through the class you do the minimum required to get a passing grade in. Good job!
Now, for the knockers or pee pee, as the case may be. Shake those double D’s for the attention of your male coworkers and viewers. Or, think–Eek! sorry to make you do that, SYRW readers!–about how your small penis is compensated for by your tough take on life via conservative politics. Go ahead and shake or think, shake or think! Again, great going!
Did you bring your morals to this mixology lesson? That was a trick question! You’re not supposed to have any! In case you developed some along the way, go on now and toss them into the garbage disposal. Flick that switch to on, and let’s get back to work, work, work, and by that we mean fun, fun, fun!
And: Take a trip to the land of Mueller Probe Make Believe with us.
Remember that early Puff Daddy song, “It’s All About the Benjamins?’ How ’bout crankin’ that little ditty while you make this lip-smacking batch of goodness? Because, well, it is, after all, all about the Benjamins. This is the religion-of-choice at Fox News. It makes those wonderful folks willing to be talked into saying anything–and we mean anything–as long as there’s a big ol’ paycheck at the end of the soul-suicide road.
And that needs to be its own ingredient in this noxious stew, this murderous mixed drink, the willingness to say or do anything for money. You better believe that if Whoever-Ailes’-Replacement-Is Called Doocy, Earhardt, and Kilmeade into the office tomorrow morning and told them, “We’re now supporting Muelller and the FBI,” those three brain-dead idiots would flash they’re bleached-whites and nod their boobleheads in agreement. As long as there’s a luxury condo and a sleek car in it for them! Remember, there is no such thing as truth or knowledge in the Trump Era. It’s just what you want to believe, subj© ect to spin. And that which will rake in the chips.
Let’s throw all those ingredients in the jug of water and stir, stir, stir. Watch the wonderful vortex whirling about as you turn that wooden spatula ’round and ’round, like the meaningless cyclone of chaos our political reality has become.
Cheers!
Guess what you’ve earned, our dear SYRW readers! That’s right–some Grinning-Like-a-Nincompoop Kool Aid! Pour yourself a glass and chug-a-lug! Mmm, mmm. Can’t you feel your soul necrotizing as the smile spreads across your face? Now fight the urge to spit at your reflection in the stainless steel of the oven. That’s right, fight it! Swallow hard and, yes, we’re done. As a society. We’re done.
Also: Three Trump admin troglodytes audition to decorate your home.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
