What a Trumpp admin interior design business might look like–interiorly!/Licensed Adobe stock, slavun.
Hello, Alt-design buffs! The chaos in our Dear Donald’s administration started with day one and just keeps on going, it seems! This one’s out, that one quits, this one’s “lost his mind” after dishing to a journalist about the palace intrigue at the White House. Just after Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House came out, rumors surfaced that top officials on Trump’s team were considering jumping the big, white ship to salvage what was left of their careers.
You know we here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) love our Trump administration members, especially the ones who’ve lasted this long, as it shows they have an inexplicable loyalty to The Donald, just like we do. So, given the exclusive, permanent access we’ve been granted to anyone and everyone inside the darkest, weirdest White House around, we asked three Trump officials how they would pitch an interior design to Alt-customers, should their political careers go kaput after the Trump admin is no more.
We asked the three to think of three interior design basics and how they would put a little of their special magic into each to get potential customers on board. “Account for function (focal point, furniture arrangement, and lighting), mood (inspiration piece, color cues, theme, patterns, texture, furniture) and personality (accessorizing, whimsy, the unexpected) in any decorating project…” HGTV recommends and we asked the twisted trio below to keep in mind.
We also asked each Trump acolyte we interviewed to name his or her business.
Related: Some decor ideas for the white collar prison cell that may await many Trump officials.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Huackabee Hearth and Home
“I’m a pretty traditional girl,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “A saying I try live by is, ‘A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds,’ which Ralph Waldo Emerson said. I take this to be a good thing. It means you’re loyal, and I am, to the president. Emerson was just another liberal, coastal, elitist.”
Function: “As far as function, I think the focal point of any living space I designed would be inspired by my current job, which I love so much. It would be a podium. This would allow the father in the family, who the Bible says is the head of it, to command attention, even in the era of cell phones and video games….Furniture? Obviously, chairs arranged in rows in front of that podium, then one on the side for the female head of the household, as she is really off-to-the-side until needed for cooking, cleaning, or procreation…lighting would be extremely bright, mostly focused on the podium, with more diffuse lighting on the audience and off to the side.”
Mood: I’m definitely into statement accents, as you can see from the necklaces on display on my neck every day in the briefing roomn, so, similarly I’d go for a big, attention-getting chandelier above the center of the room with the podium and chairs, or a heavy, knit throw tossed over one of the seats. Though I’m not the biggest fan of patterns–unless it’s harping about the media’s pattern of not giving the President a break–I’d go for a chunky houndstooth to upholster the podium and chairs in.
Personality: People who know me personally say I’m thoughtful and personable, while others say this can be hard to reconcile with my lying in the press room and my incessant defense of Trump’s indefensibility. So I’d go for picture frames all-around the room, some showing with pictures showing people smiling, others showing the same people scowling. The whimsical piece would be a brass wall hanging of the masks of comedy and drama. And the unexpected: a tasteful nude portrait of my hero, President Donald Trump. You said unexpected, didn’t you?”
Jason Miller: Jacquard Avant-Garde
“It might surprise people, because I worked for such a traditionalist president,” said Jason Miler erstwhile Trump campaign adviser, who still sometimes unofficially advises the president on all manner of things, “but I’m a very out-of-the-box kind of guy. For example, I gave my wife a ring box, and we had three kids, then I fathered a child with a mother to whom I didn’t give a ring box, while still married to my wife.
“See–unexpected. Did you expect I’d say I like heavy, floral, brocade fabrics, like jacquard? Well, I do,” Miller said.
Function: The focal point of any space I designed would have to be a big, cavernous man-couch upholstered in some type of jacquard. You never know, clearly, how many little ones it might need to support. I’d say a couple smaller armchairs in leather to bring in that avant-garde element also. The lighting would be mostly medium intensity lamps and maybe a tall one or two in the corner of the room. There has to be some familiar stuff, like my always-serene voice, to make people feel comfortable.”
And: Where to eat in Trump-era Washington, D.C.
Mood: I like cigars, so a large humidor on the triangular–again, avant-garde–coffee table. That would give the room a manly scent too, like my ever-present goatee gives me a rough, manly look. Patterns would be dark in color, heavy silk, floral. Love that Jacquard!
Personality: Like I said, I’m not what you expect in a lot of ways. I’d go for at least three Waterford crystal vases for accessories. A whimsical piece? Definitely an extra-large print of the cover of my favorite movie, “The Thomas Crown Affair.” And for the unexpected–an aquarium that’s immaculately-maintained, but never has any fish in it.
Kellyanne Conway: Candlelight and Coral
Function: I think form and function need to be one–but that doesn’t mean the functional form can’t be beautiful. You love my little word plays, don’t you? *giggles* I have the tastes of an adult girly girl. A bunch of crystal candlesticks with half-melted candles giving off a warm glow on top of a light oak, low-rise coffee table would be my focal point. My look would be rustic glam. I’d put a couch in warm tone, maybe a golden beige in there, with coral-colored pillows and coral window dressings. I’d, sadly, have to make the candles in the crystal candlesticks battery-powered, because sometimes I get a little loopy and drift off to sleep without knowing it. Not sure why. *giggles* But even for someone else’s space, I’d recommend electric instead of fire and fury.
Mood: I love family–my daughters are the center of my life–and good, good friends, like President Trump. So I’d like a side table crowded with framed pictures and photo albums of the loved ones of whomever I’m lying–I mean, decorating *giggles*–for. Patterns–let’s see: I really think butterfly and bird patterns bring a touch of nature into any living area, and that’s so important, especially because the Trump administration is killing the environment at a super-fast pace every day. *shrugs sadly*
Personality: I’ve got tons–ya’ need some? *guffaws* No, I like mature, almost staid, but feminine and lovable. I’d go for a patchwork quilt thrown on the back of the couch. I’d have long decorative brass and silver vases, a couple, with even longer silk flowers and a couple feathers in each. For something unexpected: a Lisa Frank print framed on a side table.
Just Around the Collusive Corner
Given the way Robert Mueller’s probe is moving full-steam ahead, these Trump admin personalities may not only want, but need, to find work elsewhere. So, in the coming weeks and months be on the lookout for Huckabee Hearth and Home, Jacquard Avant-Garde, and Candelight and Coral.
Also: We brought you–exclusively–the real reason Omarosa left the White House.
And, until next time our Alt-design buffs, make your homes beautiful, like you.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
