The man in the running for Most Disgusting Piece of Trash, with an eye on beating Trump for the title, Devin Nunes (R-California). Image Credit: devinnunes.com
What’s up, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, fashionistas, and beauty mavens? It can be easy to forget–when you’re effortlessly hot and stylish like us Conservative Cuties–that beauty can be used for a purpose–good or evil, whichever advances our self-involved life project at the moment.
The liberals have their safety pins, pussy hats, and rainbow everythings, so why shouldn’t we have some cute accessories to promote or garbage-morals issues, too?
If there’s anyone who needs our Alt-support right now, it’s that brain-dead lowlife, as Mel Horowitz said in Amy Heckerling’s Clueless, Representative Devin Nunes (R-Califonia). The beautiful soul known as DNun has taken it upon himself to do the right-wing community, the nation, and yes, the world, a favor by attempting to delegitimize and derail Robert Mueller’s investigation into whether Donald Trump’s campaign colluded with the Russian government, or attempted to, to get His Orangeness elected. What a great guy!
To show Nunes that we’ve got his back, even though he’s collectively stabbed the entire nation in its back, we’re starting a movement: a Fez for Nunes. So go get yourself a Fez and wear it everywhere you go to show you’re in it to win it with Nunes! How ’bout a cute pair of jeggings and some tacky stilettos to round out the look? Maybe a Republican Red top, some Racist Red lipstick, and some Rapist Red nails to go with it? Get creative, SYRW readers!
Related: Get the Alt-truth about the right-wing origin of some of the most popular yoga poses.
And read on for all the reasons you simply must wear a Fez for Nunes if you want to keep your membership card for the Depraved Republican Monster Club!
The Struggle Is Real
Now, some may say: if Donald Trump has nothing to hide, why doesn’t he and why don’t his lackeys simply let Robert Mueller’s investigation take its course and vindicate them? Innocent people don’t fear being investigated. But no, the Democrats and their Fake News Media can’t just let dear Donald alone, so we’re not going to let Mueller alone.
Luckily for the downfall of democratic institutions that we’re witnessing, Nunes has volunteered to be to the mold stuck to the underside of the S.S. Trump. Thank god that behemoth barrelling over women, immigrants, the LGBT, Muslims, the poor, the free press, international relations, and social safety net programs has the little tugboat that could, Devin Nunes, to guide it to port amidst the unforgiving seas of the Mueller investigation.
Banana Republicans
In one of the most twisted realities in this great big reality TV show called Current U.S. Politics, Nunes is head of a House committee investigating his BFF Donald Trump. Well, what a happy coincidence! Nunes the Bloodsucker had recused himself from the investigation based on the conflicts of interest presented by the fact that he worships at the altar of Trump, but he continued to meddle in and stymie it from a distance. When that became just too much trouble, he started openly, blatantly, and unapologetically trying to sink the Mueller probe.
In a letter obtained by Murdoch media outlet and full-time Trump mouthpiece Fox News, Nunes cited this as the reason for demanding unredacted versions of documents from Robert Mueller.
“It is my hope that this agreement will provide the Committee with all outstanding documents and witnesses necessary to complete its investigations,” Nunes wrote.
Also: These D.C. dining destinations have popped up in town since the Trump admin took office!
He went on to say that he and his committee are “extremely concerned by indications that top U.S. Government officials who were investigating a presidential campaign relied on unverified information that was funded by the opposing political campaign and was based on Russian sources.”
I think we all have definitive proof of something now, SYRW readers: even if you look like a simpleton, you can have gigantic balls.
So now, apparently, we Red-State Repubs are concerned about Russian sources! It can be so hard to keep up with being a horrible person, can’t it? Luckily we’re here to help keep you up to speed on what our opinion du jour is! Also, Nunes isn’t a bottom-feeding Trump troglodyte. Oh, heavens no! He’s just trying to make sure everything’s above board with the Mueller probe, sinister as it seems to be!
Kangaroo Courtier
Boing! Boing! Boing!
Here comes Devin Nunes to make our justice system represent a hopping marsupial judiciary. So cute! Much like a Fez!
Speaking of pockets like the ones marsupial mammals, like kangaroos, have, Nunes lives inside Trump’s. He sleeps in it, stretches his limbs and blinks his eyes as he wakes in it, goes about his day suckling on Trump’s boobies for nourishment in it, and does all his other business in it. It makes sense that he was on Trump’s transition team, no?
And it makes perfect sense that he would then be totes qualified to investigate the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia. Maybe he’s even one of those ties! It would explain his desperation to see the Mueller probe ended, wouldn’t it, SYRW readers?
I’m a Sociopath, You’re a Sociopath
Nunes, being the all-around champion of freedom and justice that he is, is also concerned–so very concerned–sorry, we’re getting a little choked up here–that the Trump dossier may have been the reason that the Mueller probe began, according to another shining example of journalism The Washington Times. Why exactly this is a problem, we’re not sure. All we need to know is that our wonderful leaders just want the best for us. Nunes is proof they do!
Perhaps when Devilish Devin is done sinking the Mueller probe, he can find pen a biography of Jack the Ripper, telling us all why he was just a misunderstood cutlery enthusiast! Or, maybe he can retire from politics and get involved in show business, producing a Vegas stage spectacular in which he removes a pair of sequined hot pants and defecates on the Constitution! Or, or! Or maybe he can star in a TV movie, Republican Rapist, about a conservative politician who assaults an entire nation at once. Oh, wait! He’s already doing that last one! Still, the first two options are always a great life choice, Numb Nuts Nunes!
Karma’s a Bitch
What goes around, comes around, Dear Devin and even Dearer Donald.
A panel on MSNBC’s AM Joy, according to Raw Story, noted that His Moronicness, Nunes, could likely face an obstruction of justice charge for his despicable efforts to sink the Mueller investigation.
We expect all you SYRW readers to be in the audience at his trial with your fezzes on!
It looks like payback might deliver a T.K.O to boxing-Austrailian-mammal-court-enthusiast, Devin Nunes, huh, SYRW readers?
This is why you must, must, must get a Fez for Nunes!
And: See how to decorate your home inspired by the nihilism of the Steve Bannon sort!
Until next week then, SYRW readers, go out and be moderately non-hideous on the outside even if you’re soul is ugly as sin!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
