Troubled children need not worry, as long as their political leanings end up being right-wing!/Image credit: Licensed Shutterstock stock, plantic.
Hello, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. It’s been quite an Alt-week hasn’t it? Naturally, the letters for advice from conservative questioners, being the introspective, sensitive lot we are, have been pouring into my office here at SYRW. My many assistants and I answer them all, but we can only publish one per week. We chose the following one from a distressed Alt-child [not pictured above] in Kenosha, Wisconsin, because so much of the correspondence we received this week echoed sentiments similar to his.
Dear Dr. MacEnnaKnee,
I live in Wisconsin, and I go to [——–] Middle School. My parents are Republicans, and I like President Donald Trump, too. I was hoping you could give me advice about something.
I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I also have ADHD. I take a medicine called Ritalin for that. I have depression and anxiety, and I go to a therapist on Monday and Wednesday for those.
I’m worried. With all these problems, will I be able to be a pilot like I’ve always wanted to?
Sincerely,
Concerned in Kenosha
Dear Concerned,
I’m so glad you wrote to me. If you had done so before 2016, my response would have been something like the following.
“You have a bright future ahead of you, Concerned. None of the “problems” you have need stop you from becoming a pilot. They’ll take attention–which you and your parents are giving them–and work–which you’re doing–to figure out, but you can do and be whatever you set your mind to. Don’t ever feel like there are limits to what you can achieve. Self-doubt and a pessimistic outlook have killed many-a-dream that should have been allowed to grow and blossom and take shape whatever way it would have. One of the beautiful things about being young, like you, is that the world is your oyster and life yours for the taking. So shuck that oyster and live your life!”
Related: Get the skinny on five new dining establishments that have sprouted up in Trump-era D.C.
That Was Then, This Is Now
As it is now 2018, and we have an example of flawless adulthood realization of life-goals on daily display for us at a little address called 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C. my response is different.
Not only can you achieve all your dreams and realize your highest ambitions, you can do it right now! A book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House, has just been released. Its author, Michael Wolff, said that in his interviews with dozens of White House staffers, the one through-line in their observations of Alt-President Trump that he could identify was that everyone thought The Donald was basically a 71-year-old child. He thinks simply, needs immediate gratification, can’t control his impulses. And he’s president, dear, little Confused! He’s President of the United States of America, which until a year ago, was the most powerful nation on the not-warming planet!
Inspiration for You
I’ve gone ahead and collected a few short examples of the Liberal Fake News Media’s descriptions of Dear Trump as not only a manchild, but a reckless fool. and a cruel bully, too, to inspire below. You should follow them, and do so with thoughtless, egotistical, nightmarish abandon.
“Trump has no comprehension of policy and cares about it less,’ observed The New Yorker.
“The president is often impulsive, mercurial, and difficult to manage, leading those around him to find creative ways to channel his energies,” according to The Washington Post.
“President Trump ‘looked like a third grader’ trying to ‘squirm out of a lie’ when asked about his wiretapping claims during a Fox News interview, CNN’s political director said Thursday,” noted The Hill.
The takeaway for you, my dear Concerned? Do what you want, and as the privileged child I assume you to be as the son of Republicans, just let others pick up the pieces. They called the 1980s The Me Decade. Apparently, the Aughts are the Me-and-to-Hell-With-You decade! Good news for little ones like you.
Also: How to make sure your fingernails are in top shape to tear it all down.
Your Battle Plan
So, why wait to be trained as a pilot, serve as a co-pilot, and then finally, when you’re in, like, your 50’s, get to pursue an airplane-flying career with all sorts of regulations and restrictions on you and even–gasp!–expectations of you! That’s what a Snowflake Liberal would do. You, my dear, are a proud, “very stable genius,” as Trump has called himself.
Hence, here’s what you should do today– tomorrow at the latest.
Go to the airport, run to a gate, speed down the walkway to an aircraft. When they shut the door in panic at seeing an unhinged-looking youngster bounding toward the plane, kick it down. Force your way into the cockpit. Grab a hold of the controls and simply figure out how to take off! Fly that sucker for as long as you can.
When you can no longer keep the plane in the air, just let it nosedive into the ground, plummet into the ocean, or careen into a mountainside, As it erupts into a fireball, killing everyone on board, I want you to laugh maniacally, remembering that you achieved your dream. You did what you wanted to do. And that is all that matters–you, and by extension, what you want. Nothing else, my sweet Concerned, Simply nothing else.
And: Read all about Ivanka’s inspired legal strategy for the Trump admin.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
