Get some makeup tips tailored to the alt-beautiful woman–you1 Image: Licensed Dreamstime Stock.
One True Thing
We gals on the right wing have one big makeup need that most other women don’t have–our maquillage has to help hide the ugliness we harbor inside, which often shows through in our physicality in the form of a rigid, unappealing face; dead eyes; and ghoulish skin. But never fear! Here are some tips, using classic and more modern makeup products and tactics to help you look hot, even if ice, rather than blood, runs through your veins!
Wabi-Sabi for Your Pucker
Wabi-Sabi, in case you don’t know, my xenophobic, protectionist, and Western exceptionalist readers, is the Japanese philosophy that values imperfection. A makeup trend that was hot on this fall/winter season’s runways followed that idea.
“Tired of smudging your lipstick and having to constantly reapply it? Not a problem–several of the autumn/winter 2017 shows saw imperfect-looking lips being painstakingly created backstage for just that effect,” reported UK Vogue.
Ethereal Eyes
Here’s an eye-makeup trick that will not let it show through on your skin that the pursuit of your own dreams of money and power, as a card-carrying conservative, necessarily kill those of others, a dermis-related conundrum that many of us hard-right hotties face..
Our friends at Cosmopolitan reported that the Paris, Milan, and New York runways featured a subtly smoky eye, using nudes with dark undercurrents smudged around the peepers. Very soft an dreamy, for those days when you want to pretend you too are soft and dreamy, rather than strident and harsh-hearted.
Kinda Goes Without Saying
Given our devotion to tradition, we don’t have to, but will anyway, remind you that you should never, ever leave the house without your entire face covered in a mask of foundation. You must show the world that, despite your self-involved, me-centric political views, you want its approval, especially the approval of men!
Some of our favorite picks for a thick, unyielding base these days are: Nars All Day Luminous Weightless Foundation, MAC Studio Fix Fluid Foundation with SPF 15 (this will help keep you beautifully white-skinned, which you can then coat with a spray tan, of course), and Vincent Longo Liquid Canvas Healthy Fluid Sheer Matte Foundation.
A Never-Fail Pointer
A friend once told us, here at Spread Your Right Wings‘ Beauty Department, a wonderful tip that’s never failed us, especially when we’re in a rush to get to an Alt-Right, tiki-torch-lit, meeting: when it doubt, blush it out! A swirl of peachy-pink blush on the cheeks always gives the illusion that you still may have some humanity left inside, even when you don’t, and you’re proud of it. But we have to look human, even if our views our monster-ish, to get ahead, don’t we GOP ladies?
Lots of Lashes, But Not the Whipping Kind
Back in the good old days, like the 19th century, if people crossed the conservative line, we could just literally whip them back into shape. Then our beautiful, perfect country’s legal system took un unfortunately human-rights-based turn.
But we can still do up our EYElashes, can’t we ladies?
We have a pick for the best mascara of this end-of-year season to give you a come-hither look, which you might otherwise find difficult given your decrepit soul. The eyes are the window to it, after all, so ya’ gotta be careful!
Anyway, seven to ten coats of Lancome Monsieur Big mascara will do your evil eyes a world of good this season.
You Might Also Like…
Our book review for this week–How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must) by Anniekins Coulter.
How to arrange your conservative domicile according to the principles of Feng Shui.
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© 2017 Akbar Khan
